Merry Christmas From The Bowens!

Well we made it through the Christmas mayhem!  The kids had a blast and enjoyed all their gifts!   It made my day seeing Cole so excited over his Justin  Bieber "swag" shoes and Keil loving his new 3DS!  It's the type of joy that makes your heart smile when you are just not feeling the best!

Christmas day was a tough day for me.  As much as I loved seeing the kids so excited, my heart was hurting and missing Mom.  I was almost afraid to call home...just to dial the number and know that I wouldn't be talking to her.  Telling her everything the kids got, sharing our morning of laughs and sharing our plans for the day.  She loved Christmas so much and that has certainly rubbed off on me!  I love decorating and buying gifts, wrapping, entertaining...basically, everything to do with the season!  But this year, for obvious reasons, a lot of those things I couldn't do...just wait until next year! :) The call was made and I talked to Allan for quite a while, which ended in tears and a little bit of depression.  Just the fact that we all miss her so much and know that this was our first Christmas without her...makes it really tough!

But, my loving husband came to my side and made me feel better, as he always does!  He wrapped his warm arms around me and held me close until I stopped crying.  I think we both actually cried a little, which just shows how much we appreciate each other and our feelings.  Jason is my savior.   He doesn't read my blog, I think because he worries he might be a blubbering fool.  He is sensitive when he needs to be and very strong most other times.  I don't mind that he doesn't read it...although some days, I wish he did because I often worry that I don't tell him enough how much I appreciate all he is doing for me and our family.

So, I am 6 days post Chemo and feeling better than my last treatment.  I only had to take pain medication once over this phase and I am still continuing my steroids until Saturday.  I have a little pain today in my chest, back and legs and I am still very tried feeling and can only do a little at a time.  But, I feel 100% better than last time...I was in the hospital at this point...so it's got to be better!  Like with all treatments, I feel a little better each day and get a little more energy.  All will be ok in another week!  It just takes time! :) 

Thank you for all the cards, gifts, phone calls, and text messages over the past few days!  I love you all and we appreciate all your kinds words and hope for 2013!  I am so blessed to have you all in my life!



Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for me! xo

5 Down 1 To Go!!!!!

Well, today was a go!  My counts were good, which I knew because I was feeling so good this week!

We arrived at the hospital around 8:30am and did the routine...blood work...wait for results...see nurse and doctor...then upstairs to the Chemo pods.  When talking to the nurse and doctor they told us that they were going to leave my Chemo as is but that I was approved to receive the Neulasta (one shot instead of the seven that I had last time).  My nurse told me that I should have a little easier time with this drug and felt that a lot of the pain I was experiencing last time was from the Neupogen shots.  They also are continuing my steroids for an extra couple of days...and then slowly ween me off.  But because these drugs keep me tossing and turning all night, they also prescribed  me some sleeping pills!  Am I ever going to be high on drugs for the next little while!  Oh, they also gave me some new pain meds too!  Merry Christmas to me!!! LOL

I can't believe that I only have one treatment left!  I never thought this day would come...the excitement that I felt going to the hospital today was overwhelming!  To think that in June, I had so many mixed emotions and felt this was going to be the longest road ever.  Also, after Mom passed, I never thought I would have the strength or determination to make it though my treatment.  Well, I proved myself wrong...I am strong...and more determined than ever to get through the rest of this!  I am so proud of myself...but I couldn't have done it without the support of Jason and the kids!  They really kept me going through all this...seeing how much they love me and how much I mean to them!  It makes my heart smile! <3 :)  My friends...the true friends...have been by my side since the beginning...cheering me on...lifting me up when I needed it...and just being there for me to vent, cry and laugh with!  I couldn't have done it without you!  I watched the X-Factor last night...which I don't often watch but because Marcia and Alvin are here, they wanted to watch the finale.  When the two finalists came on and sang "The Climb", it struck a cord with me.  What a fitting song for my journey!  Have a listen to  My Journey Anthem   "The struggles I'm facing, The chances I'm taking, Sometimes might knock me down, but no, I'm not breaking"!  So true...with all that I was faced with this year...this is so fitting!  Just focusing on getting through day by day!  I remember this summer,  there was a day that I was really upset and Jason sat down next to me and said..."we are going to get through this together!  For every negative comment that comes our way, we are going to grab it, stomp on it, and consider it one step closer to beating this thing!"  He is my rock, my love...and I don't know what I would do without him!  We are climbing this mountain together!

I want to take this time to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and HEALTHY New Year!  My only wish this Christmas is that I will be better next Christmas and that I will be able to enjoy 2013 with a healthier body, mind and spirit!  That my kids and husband will continue to be healthy and that we all cherish each day that we spend together!

My pictures today are of a very happy and overwhelmed Angela...and the cold packs I have to wear during these treatments to help save my nails.  The Taxotere can make your nails...and possibly your teeth fall out.   Jason asked where the cold pack was for my mouth! LOL  Next treatment is scheduled for January 11th! 

 Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for me...I feel the love! :)

Visits From Home!

Feeling much better this week!  Still weak and tired but I can feel that with everyday I get a little bit better! 

I just can't believe that I only have two treatments left!  It seems so crazy!  To think that 6 months ago, I would be in this place, is beyond what I would have ever envisioned.  Living my life like everyone else...working, taking my kids to programs, going out with friends...now, I sit on my ass, my kids aren't in any programs and I can't go out with my friends!  Funny how life can change in an instant!  Never take for granted what you have, for it can be taken from you before you know it!

This week, like I said, has been much better than last week.  My mother's husband (I don't call him my step father because he never had to be a "father" to me) was here for the weekend (while I was in the hospital) and left for home on Monday.  The boys had such a great time with him!  We had some good talks and I think overall, it was something we all needed.  He was such a great support for us...I don't think he even realizes how much he helped out...just to be here for the boys so that Jason could be with me in the hospital, made a world of difference.  I just worry about Allan over the Christmas season.  He loved Mom so much and is so lonely without her....as we all are.  This Christmas is going to be a tough one for all of us!  We have all lost so much this year. 

My in-laws arrived on Wednesday and are here until into January.  They are scheduled to fly out on the 8th of January but since my last treatment date is scheduled for January 11, they may decide to extend their visit a few days.  They are such a big help...although my mother-in-law has a terrible cough that we are concerned she will pass to me!  We are both wearing masks and washing our hands frantically to make sure nothing gets passed to me.  Don't want to delay any treatments! 

Had an appointment on Wednesday with my Radiation Oncologist.  He went over the procedures of radiation and what to expect.  I am scheduled for January 28 to get my "tattoo" (which they refer to as mapping) and a CT scan.  They will get me ready to begin radiation on February 11 (4 weeks after I finish Chemo).  I will have 25 treatments of radiation on both my chest wall as well as under my arm pit.  He went over the risks, side effects (which are minimal compared to what I am experiencing now) and took me on a tour of the area where I will be getting the radiation everyday for 5 weeks!  Again, I can't believe I am getting ready for this next step...seems like it would take forever to get here...but now, it seems like it all passed in a blur...except for the side effects! LOL  The area where I will be going is beautiful!  Each "radiation pod" has an individual waiting area with lockers, a fireplace, lounge area and TV.  I will have my own area each time I go...nothing like style!  I think once radiation starts, I will have to enlist some of my friends to take me down and sit with me.  Each appointment should only be 1.5 to 2 hours.  I just figure that poor Jason can't take everyday off to come with me and one of the side effects is exhaustion so I may be tired to go by myself.  They say the exhaustion doesn't hit you until about week 3 so I guess I will have to rest up for the first two!  Any whooooo....that is what I have been up to this week! 

Looking forward to Christmas and 2013!!

Be strong, be positive and pray for me!

Hospital Bound!

Well, where do I begin!  It certainly has been a very eventful week...and not for the good!

I guess I will start with Wednesday night...I had a really hard time getting settled in for the night.  I was still in a lot of pain and discomfort from the Neupogen shots that I was taking daily and also the mixture of my Chemo drug Taxotere.  Both medications cause pain in the joints, major bones and muscle tissue.  So basically, I am not sure what is left to not have pain! LOL  Any who, back to trying to get settled.  I had received a prescription for Percocets on Monday because the Tylenol 3's just weren't cutting it.  So had taken my Percocet for the night, had my heating pad on my back and my legs elevated to relieve the pressure.  I was feeling really uneasy and not good at all.  Finally got to sleep and woke up around 4am with severe chest pain.  Thought it would go away with another Percocet so took one and it knocked me out until I woke at 7am with the same pain but this time it was radiating to my back and I was clammy with a slight fever. 

Jason got the boys up for school and ready to drop at the neighbors house early and I got up and called my nurse to see what I should do.  She told me to go to the ER.  So we started down to Credit Valley Hospital.  I was in so much pain and I was truly scared.  I thought I was having a heart attack!  It was the worst feeling I can even explain.  We arrived at the hospital and of course there was only one nurse working the ER desk.  After waiting what seemed a life time, she called my name and I quickly explained my situation and she told me to go sit and wait.  WHAT???  Go sit and wait...wait to have a heart attack, wait to catch a flu bug from one of the other infested people in the ER....I think not!  We did sit for a short period of time and they finally took me into a more isolated area where the tests began. 

First they did a EKG to determine whether I was in fact having a heart attack, clear!  So then, they were worried that I had a blood clot.  Apparently when you are on Chemo, the drugs thicken your blood and you are more prone to blood clots....sweet!  Did I mention how much fun all this is?  They had to access my port because they were going to be doing so many tests and rather than poke me multiple times, the port access, makes it a one time deal...or so I thought.  The nurse that accessed it the first time, didn't have a clue what she was doing.  You see, when you access my port, you are to drive the needle into the port like a dart...no pussy footing around.  Well, she proceeded to go very slow and tried to tell me that the pain I was feeling from that was because my port was "swollen".  Seriously....my port sticks out of my chest because it's supposed to!  Good God!!  Anyway, she finally got it in and started many "good" drugs which enabled me to sleep for a while.  They then ordered a chest x-ray and abdominal x-ray (to ensure no blockage).  Then I was sent for a CT of my heart.  Once in the CT area, one of the nurses told me I had the wrong port access in and it needed to be changed.  I let her change it and she knew what she was doing.  All tests came back clear so they contributed it to my system being very sensitive to this last treatment.  Apparently all the drugs and shots can cause a lot of pain in your sternum which can make you feel like you are having a heart attack.  NICE!!!  Two more "feelings" of a heart attack to endure!

They decided it was best at this point to admit me because I was still in pain, still had a fever and my blood counts were dangerously low.  It was no time at all that I had a private room in the Oncology unit.  It was a beautiful room and in a very quiet part of the hospital.  I was prepped with a cathater in my arm to administer a very stinging pain medication though needle.  I let them give me the needle 4 times and then cut them off, I couldn't take it any more.  Now please don't think that I am a wimp...at this point, I have been in so much pain I would think that I could take anything but this shot was very painful...it took away the pain quite nicely but the actual shot was to be desired!  I had numerous shots given in my abdomen...a couple with a blood thinner and my two remaining shots of Neupogen.  I slept on and off on Thursday night and was awaken early by the on call Oncologist.  He told me that my blood counts were slowly coming up but they wanted to keep me another night...and the fact that I was still having chest pains, he thought it best that I stay.  Friday night, I slept really well and was feeling well enough Saturday to be released.

So, now my next treatment is scheduled for December 21 and the doctors are going to tweek my treatment and my pain medications.  Hopefully with those changes and possibly switching from 7 Neupogen shots to 1 Neulasta shot, will make a difference.  Whatever happens, it will be one more down and one more to go!  Yay for me!!!  I am almost there!!!  Yes, it has been a VERY tough road and it's not over but I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel!  I am feeling very excited to see what 2013 has in store for me!

I have a couple of pictures of my venture in the hospital and will post them when Jason get's home (they are on his phone).  He wanted to take pictures of me in the ER but I was in no mood! :)

Anyway...you know the saying...be strong, be positive and please, please, please continue to pray for me!

Oh The Pain!

Had my 4th treatment on Friday and made it through ok.  Started my Neupogen injections yesterday and I am in so much pain I don't know what to do with myself.  My hips, lower back, knees and ankles are killing me.  I can take Advil and Tylenol 3 for the pain so started with the Advil because Tylenol 3 tends to constipate people...which is a lovely side effect of Chemo to begin with.   I have a heating pad on my lower back and my feet elevated to try to alleviate some of the pain and discomfort.  I can't even begin to tell you how uncomfortable I am right now.  The doctors warned me that this treatment would be more pain then nausea, which is so true.  I kind of think I would rather the nausea...at least it only lasted a few days.  I am so worried this pain is going to last for the full 7 days of injections and to top it all off, the nurses are only coming in one more day to show me how to give myself the injection!  It just keeps getting better and better!!  Ugh!

On a high note...#4 is complete and only two left.  I am always trying to stay so positive and look at the brighter side of things but it's a little hard with the pain.  I can't even imagine how some people deal with chronic pain...it must be so debilitating.

I started my Herceptin this treatment (because of being HER2+) and am scheduled for a heart scan tomorrow.  Herceptin is the drug that I will be taking for a year from now, every three weeks for 30 minute infusions.  The Herceptin can have a very serious side effect.  It can damage the heart and its ability to pump blood effectively.   The damage can be mild and result in either no symptoms or signs of mild heart failure, like shortness of breath. Less commonly, the heart damage is bad enough that people experience life-threatening congestive heart failure or a stroke.  Because of these possible side effects, the doctors will do a heart scan every three months to monitor my hearts ability to pump blood efficiently.  If they see any cause for concern they will stop the Herceptin and introduce heart strengthening drugs to help repair any damage. My last heart scan in September showed very good results with my heart pumping at a rate of 65% which is normal.

So, number 4 down and two to go...I am starting to feel like I am truly making it through all this...but only with the love and support from friends and family!  Couldn't do it without you!!

Be strong, be positive and continue to pray for me...especially that this pain will go away!

Just A Thought

At the beginning of all this, I never imagined that I would make it through to this point.  I felt like my world was tumbling down and after Mom died I realized that there was no where but up for me!  I kind of think that some of the things that have happened to me this year, have made me stronger and more of a fighter.  I feel like I want to prove something to me and everyone else.  Whether it's a stubborn streak in me or just the fighter, I want to show people that no matter what life throws you, you have to make the most of it.

Make the most of it?  Really??  How do you make the most of Cancer or losing important people in your life?  Well, I have had so much time to sit and ponder things that I realize what is important at this point in my life.  It's the little things, the people that are here now, thinking of what the future holds and all the memories of the past, that I have.  A lot of people go through life worrying about things they can't change, prioritizing jobs and success at the top of their list and living like robots.  Getting up each day, getting ready for work, going to work, coming home full of stress, yelling at their kids, yelling at their husband/wives, watching mindless television in silence and then going to bed...only to start it all over again the next day.  If those people would just slow down their lives and really dissect each moment, they would realize that all the things that they are doing, don't "really" count.  What counts is being able to get up each morning, appreciating your family and friends, and keeping those people at the top of your priority list.  Saying "I love you" to your husband and kids, not because it's habit but because your heart would be empty if they weren't here with you.   I don't really know where I am going with this, I just felt I needed to write it.

So Friday is #4...who would have thunk it?  I look back and think of how I was feeling in June when I first found the lump.  I was scared and weak with emotion.  I thought, this is going to be a long, hard road.  Look at me now, at treatment 4 and feeling not so bad!  This treatment will be with my new drugs so I am not sure how my body will accept it but I am hopeful that I will not have too many of the side effects.  I am excited and a little overwhelmed that after this Friday I will have only two treatments left.  It has been a long journey and a tough one too but my husband and kids keep me going.  Each day I wake up and am thankful for a day of feeling well, thankful for Keil getting up early to sit and watch the morning news with me, thankful for Cole getting up and asking for his cereal and giving me a kiss and hug, thankful for Jason getting up and helping me get the kids ready for school.  I am thankful for all I have and I know some of you might think that is hard to believe, that I would be thankful for all that God has served me this year.  But I am just thankful for those little things that make me happy, which in turn, make me stronger and make my day! 

Be strong, be positive and please pray for me!

BOOB!!

I am so excited, overwhelmed and feeling whole!  I went this morning to get fitted for a prosthesis.  I thought I would have to wait for a few weeks but they had "my size" in stock and I am now wearing a bra and I have a "boob"! 

After finding out that I had breast cancer and making the decision to have my breast removed, I never looked back!  I never "mourned" my breast, although the doctors say that will come.  I got used to not having a breast and got used to not wearing a bra.  I got used to the look of being flat on one side!  I always knew that I would have reconstruction but knew it would be far down the road for me.  I opted not to get a prosthesis because I really felt that it didn't bother me, the way that I looked.  Just last week, I decided that I would get a prosthesis...not because I think I am not beautiful, but because I wanted to feel "normal" again.  I want to feel as much like myself as I can!

Well, let me just say...I am over the moon!  I met with Dianne this morning and she brought out a selection of prosthesis for me to look at, to feel and try on.  Then she brought me numerous bras to choose from.  After I put the first bra on with my prosthesis, I couldn't believe the overwhelming emotions!  I wanted to cry and laugh all at the same time!  Once I saw myself in the mirror, I realized how much my breast once made me feel whole, once made me feel beautiful!  I am crying just writing this..you can't even imagine how I am feeling!  I am so happy I could scream!!  Can you hear me? LOL It was so worth the money...just like my wig...now I feel like "me"! :)

Be strong, be positive and continue to pray for me...because I feel the love! :)

What's Up Next!

Feeling a lot better this week!  Three down...three to go! Yay!!!!

The weekend turned out to be busy for us.  Jason, with my direction, put up the Christmas decorations outside.  I did some of the work but mostly sat and directed him, passing him hangers when he needed them.  It was such a beautiful weekend here!  I know, some of you are probably thinking I am crazy putting up my decorations this early but I figure if I pick at it (trying to save my energy), then I should be finished by Christmas!

I love Christmas so much!!  I have awesome memories from growing up.  Mom was a lover of Christmas too!  She would have the house decorated with the latest styles.  I saw feather trees way before everyone else!  Her tree was always beautifully decorated.  She took pride in all her decorations.  I know that my sister will do the house and Mom's memory justice this Christmas.  She will ensure that things are just the way Mom would want them!

Enough about Christmas...for now! LOL  So, my next treatment is scheduled for November 30th.  This will be my first treatment with my new drugs.  This second stage of my treatment will involve drugs that will make my bones, joints and muscles pain.  Also, I will be receiving a drug called Herceptin, which I will have every three weeks for a year.  This is a drug that is used in Breast Cancer patients that are HER 2+.  Again, HER 2+ means that I had an aggressive form of BC...notice I said HAD!  Yup, that's right, I am still on the notion that this is just an insurance policy!  Also, this treatment will involve 7 days of injections of a drug that will help keep my white blood cell counts up.  So, these next treatments are so different from my first that I am not sure how my body is going to react.  The nurses say that I won't have the nausea like I had but I will feel like I am getting the flu...very tired, achy and just overall blah!  Should be interesting!!  Oh, and to top it all off, I will probably have weight gain with these drugs....the good news just never ends! :)  I don't care, as long as it works!

Thank you once again for all your support!  I have a wonderful group of friends and the most amazing family!  Love you all xo

A special thank you to Gloria, Sandra and Colleen for the beautiful flowers!  Love and miss you special ladies! xo

Be strong, be positive and please continue to pray for me!

Angels Wings!

Another angel get's her wings!

Today I got a call around 6:30am from my sister telling me that my Aunt Linda passed away.  Linda is my mother's sister.  She has been dealing with, what else, Cancer for the past few months.  She was so strong during Mom's funeral and very optimistic but I think she knew then that she wasn't going to make it through this horrible disease.  She was brave and strong for all of us during our difficult times. 

Linda was always there during our family ups and downs.  When my sister was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of two, my aunt was one of the ones to travel back and forth to Halifax for treatments.  She was there supporting my Mom and helping out whenever she could.  She was always the voice of reason and the tell it as it is kind of girl.  We have talked quite a few times after my treatments started and she has given me lots of advice to help me through it all.  I know she was so worried about me and was always brave and strong when sharing her thoughts and advice. 

I remember when I was little, Mom would take my brother and I to Linda's for visits.  We loved going and playing with our cousins!  I always hated leaving...I just always felt good being there.  When she worked at the bank, Mom would always take me in for a visit and I just loved seeing Linda on the other side of the tellers desk.  She was always so good to us.  Later, as we all grew up, we would meet at her place on Christmas Eve for drinks and the most delicious treats.  I always have fun when I am with the MacFarlanes!  They always make you laugh, freak you out with ghost stories (family favorite) and just make you feel loved!  I always leave their company feeling good! 

This summer they were all there helping out when Mom passed.  Frankie and Todd were there to share their stories that just cracked us all up!  The combination of the two is a force to be reckoned with!  My beautiful cousin Karla...well she is just that!  She has a soul that radiates beauty!  My aunt and uncle did an amazing job!  They created three beautiful children that I am very proud to call my family! 

My uncle Frank is the quiet, stand back and let Linda take charge kind of guy!  He loves to laugh and share stories too!  My heart aches for him today and for the days ahead.  I know that he will be fine because he is surrounded by so much love!  Even though I am sad by this event in my life, I am also grateful that I have so many awesome memories of my aunt!

RIP my lovely angel!  I know Mom was waiting with open arms! Love you forever and always!

Never take life for granted!

Ugh!!

Yes, it's been a tough one!

Had my treatment on Friday and I am taking a long time to bounce back from this one.  They decided to give me Gravol by IV after my treatment and it knocked me out!  I slept on the way home and crawled into bed for the rest of the night.  Instead of taking my regular anti nausea drugs, I decided to take gravol for the remainder of the weekend.  It worked for me!  A lot better this time with not as much nausea and a tolerable headache.  Although I didn't have a lot of nausea I am really run down this time. 

I have been weak and feeling even more nauseated as the days go on.  Having a lot of stomach cramps and just overall not feeling well.  Heartburn, which is a side effect of the Chemo has plagued me this time too.  I got a prescription for that but it gives me the shakes.  I am just so tired of not feeling well!  Tired of not feeling myself! 

You know, I go on facebook everyday...sometimes numerous times a day because I am bored.  But there is one thing that I am noticing lately with all my friends...they are not happy!  They are stressed because of Christmas coming, ranting because they got cut off by someone at the store or just complaining about the sun not shining!  My sister decided a couple of weeks ago that she wasn't going to go on facebook anymore because it was too depressing.  I am starting to think the same thing.  You know, it's easy to complain about these things when you don't really have anything to complain about!  Be thankful that you are healthy, that your children are healthy and that you were able to wake up this morning!  I would never judge someone for what they think is their "problems" in life but really, people need to start realizing what life really is.  It's a gift, a precious gift that should never be taken for granted. 

Before my diagnosis, I complained that I was too busy, that I didn't feel I got enough help around the house, etc....but now, I realize all those things mean nothing!  Really, in the grand scheme of things, does it really mean anything?  You control your life, your reactions to situations.  You can step back from your life and slow things down if you really want to!  You don't have to get upset with the person that cut you off...they aren't wasting time thinking about you, so why should you expend all this energy worrying about them!  I think that we can all make small steps to change the way that we behave, react and live!  I know all of this has opened my eyes to so many things.  The way that I live is going to change, it has changed!   I worry now about making myself better for my kids and Jason and being happy!  Everyday may not be a "happy" day but I plan to have more of those than days complaining about things that don't matter!

Be strong, stay positive and pray for me!

 

Fingers Crossed!

I have been feeling a lot better this week.  Not as tired and feeling like I have a bit more energy.

Tomorrow is my treatment day!  I am hoping that my counts will be up and I can receive my Chemo.  I will be so disappointed if I can't get it.  I have been good all week....sitting around doing nothing and looking at the dust and dirt building up around me!  I have toys from one end of my house to the other and dust bunnies living under my tables...which I'll be more than happy to start charging rent! LOL  It's not that important!!  I was going to step out today and get a few groceries but Jason was adamant this morning, that I don't get off the couch!  He can be pretty forceful when he wants to be!

In fact, Jason has been absolutely amazing.  He has been working hard all day and then coming home to cater to me and the boys.  I have been helping with dinner and clean up but most nights he does it for me...the clean up.  Then he's off to Keil's room to help with homework (which is usually 2 hours each night).  I do Cole's homework because it's usually not that much and I can understand English better than French (Keil is in French Immersion).  Then, after the kids are in bed, it's our time and really Jason's time to relax.  I don't know what I would do without him.  It makes me really proud to be his wife and to have him in my life.  I am sure that he didn't sign up for this but he did sign up for in sickness and in health! :)  He probably thought fetching a bucket when I have a hang over was the "in sickness" part and buying me apples instead of chips for the "in health" part!  LOL  I just wanted everyone to know how great he is...if you didn't already know!

So, tomorrow is the day...fingers crossed! :0)

Be strong, be positive and pray for me tomorrow!

Taking Care of Me!

I have no idea how I am going to do this!  Sitting around all week, just relaxing and avoiding people...this is not going to be good! 

We all work really hard, being professionals, being mothers/fathers/wives/husbands and we always say we are too busy to relax.  We say we never have enough time to just sit down and relax.  Crazy when you are told by your doctor to do just that and you have an issue with it!  I guess because I feel good otherwise, it's hard to just sit here and watch TV all day...well not all day because I am still very tired and I do have to nap during the day too.  This is going to be a tough week but I know in the end it is just one more step to making me healthy!

I received an email from a friend last night that really changed my thoughts on things.  First, a lot of friends have been asking if they can come visit me or if I can go for lunch.  I so appreciate everyone caring so much and wanting to keep me preoccupied with lunches and visits.  I have been meeting up with some people and having people visit but after my friends email and reading some of the information the hospital gave me, I am going to have to pass on these offers.  You see, my friends mother was diagnosed with cancer and was going through treatments but continued to do the everyday activities that made her happy.  Not only made her happy but they were things that she felt she had to do....running errands, visiting friends and family.  Unfortunately she developed two infections within a short period of each other and eventually died from those infections, not the cancer.  Now after reading this email, I didn't think "why is my friend telling me this?"  "Is she trying to upset me?"...no, that's not what I thought at all.  What I thought was "wow, she really cares about me!"  "She really wants me to get better and not jeopardize my health!" 

So, I have decided that I am going to "hibernate" for the next few months.  I am not going to sit in my house all day everyday for the next few months but I am going to avoid situations that could potentially cause infection.  My doctors and all the reading that I have done, have indicated that this is the best solution for the cold and flu season.  I figure I would rather "hibernate" for a few months than "hibernate" for life!  My life is too precious and I am going to do everything that I can to make sure it lasts for at least another 40+ years! 

So, I would like to thank my friend (you know who you are) and let you know that "sorry, I can't" is now in my vocabulary!  We have to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of anyone else! :)

Be strong, be positive and pray for me!

Well That Explains It!

My last post I noted how tired I was during the week and that I just couldn't seem to bounce back.  Well my appointment yesterday explained why that was happening.

I went for my Chemo treatment yesterday at 8:30am.  I had my blood work done and after waiting an hour for results the doctor told me I couldn't receive my Chemo because my Neutrophils were too low.  Neutrophils are types of mature white blood cells which fight off infection.  If I were to receive Chemo when these are low, I would get really sick and my body would take a lot longer to recover.  I asked the nurse if it was something that I did and she said no but that I do have to rest more.  I have been doing a lot lately!  I have been mowing the lawn, running errands, cleaning the house and getting ready for Halloween.  I did a lot of that my second week after my last Chemo.  I was too tired last week to do much of anything, but I still did some running around and cleaning. The nurse told me I have to do NOTHING all week and they will check my counts again on Friday, November 9th.  This totally sucks because it was a milestone for me!  It was my third and final treatment of FEC (the type of Chemo that makes me really sick).  I just want to stay on schedule and get this over with!  This is another reason why I can't really see people because it could compromise my counts and then prolong my treatments.  I just can't take that risk!  So like I said, I am scheduled for treatment this Friday and hopefully my counts will be high enough to get it. 

I met another mother at the hospital yesterday that has breast cancer too.  She is 41 and has a 7 year old daughter and a 5 year old son.  She found the lump a couple of months ago and when the doctor did an ultrasound and mammogram, the ultrasound showed something but the mammogram showed nothing.  She was then sent for a biopsy and another ultrasound which concluded that she had a 3.5cm tumor that was cancer.  The doctor wanted to do surgery right away but I think she was in denial.  She was not happy with her doctor so decided to get another opinion.  By the time she met with her current doctor, the tumor grew to 5.5cm.  Now, they are doing Chemo first and then surgery.  She doesn't know if she is HER2+ or hormone receptor +.  I can't imagine not knowing the final diagnosis but knowing I had a fast growing tumor in my breast.  I would want them to just cut it off!  What a worry that would be!  She is someone that is in a low risk category too.  Breast cancer is not in her family history (just like me), she eats only organic and she is a fitness buff!  It's scary that you can be so healthy and still get this disease.  I said to Jason when we were driving home...you think you have it bad until you hear someone else's story!   I can't imagine what she must be going through...the not knowing how big this thing is going to get before they remove it.  So many things to worry about!  I probably won't see her again because my treatments will be a week after hers.  But I only hope the best for her and will pray for her every night!

Be strong, stay positive and please pray for me and Sue-Lynn!

So Tired!

Been having a very low key week!

I think the effects of the Chemo are starting to take a toll on my body!  I have been feeling very tired for the past few days and haven't been able to do too much.  My body feels weak and I just feel like I could sleep all day.  I have been doing some reading on the internet and some of these symptoms are associated with low white blood cells.  Which, if my WBC's are low, I won't be able to receive Chemo on Friday. :(  I don't want to get off track and this will certainly do that!  Fingers crossed that I will be well enough to have my treatment.

I have decided this week that I am not going to take the anti nausea trial drug before my Chemo.  I figure that I would much rather be throwing up in a toilet then dealing with the headache that I had.  I can't even begin to describe how terrible the headache was.  Just imagine your head being squeezed between two metal plates and that it is going to explode any minute!  It was that feeling x10!  My father suffered from migraines all his life and I can't even imagine how he functioned on most days, feeling like that.  He was so strong and I am just realizing now how strong he had to have been.  Well, I am not that strong.  I can't go through another weekend of that so I will tell the nurses on Friday that I don't want the drug.  It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do.  You want to have relief from everything but you just don't know how to get it.  They give you all kinds of drugs for all the side effects but until you find the "right" cocktail for you, you just have to suffer! 

I have been having a little bit of depression lately and I have been trying hard to deal with it.  I wouldn't say that I am depressed all the time and in bed with the covers over my head, but I am feeling a bit down lately.  I think it's a combination of the weather, the fact that I now "feel sick" and that I am so far away from my family.  I worry about my brother and my sister everyday, even though they tell me not to.  I guess it's the middle child syndrome...or the motherly instinct.  I just wish that I was closer and healthier so that I could help out.  My sister is off work on stress leave and trying hard to deal with Mom's death (or maybe she is trying to sweep it under the rug)  either way, she needs guidance and support.  My brother is trying hard to build a house and seems to be running into road blocks at every corner.  He can't do work because of the high winds and his electrician just told him he can't do the electrical.  Now my brother has to try to find someone so that he can start to put walls up.  I just wish that we could catch a break!  This year, has been the year from hell for our family and we really need some good things to start happening!

A lot of things that I say in my blogs are not only for your benefit but they are also for mine.  You benefit from knowing how I am doing and what is up next for me and I benefit because I can vent and get things off my chest.  Now some people would think that by me venting I am airing my thoughts that no one needs to hear, but I wrote in one of my first blogs that I wasn't going to sensor my blog and that if I hurt someone's feelings, well then they just shouldn't read it.  I find writing here very therapeutic and it helps me to get through this nightmare!

Be strong, stay positive and pray for me!

 

A Little Bit of This and That!

Had a busy week!

I am taking advantage of when I am feeling well to do a little shopping, cleaning and organizing.  I have felt really good this week but I am noticing that I can only do a little before I start getting tired.  I usually hit a brick wall by 1pm and feel that I have to take a nap.  But I don't because I want to savor every minute of each day.  I haven't been sleeping well at night either so that may contribute to my lazy afternoons.

I am getting myself ready for my next treatment.  Trying to figure out when I should start taking some of my meds and whether or not I should do the trial anti nausea drug again.  I think if I take my anti nausea meds as soon as I get home from Chemo, then it may lessen the blow of side effects.  Also, since I had a massive headache from my last treatment, I am thinking I should be taking Advil (finally approved by my doc) as soon as I get home from treatment as well.  It's a game of what to do and when to do it to make me feel better.

The kids and Jason are starting to get colds so now I have to deal with the cold and flu season.  I was hoping that we would avoid it for a bit longer but not a chance. :(  I wasn't sure how I was going to fight it but called my nurse and she said that I can take Echinacea.   It's kind of scary to introduce drugs to your system when you already have so much in it!  I just don't want to miss a treatment because my blood count is low.  Which leads me to my next statement.  I know there are a lot of my friends that want to see me but I really have to watch what I may be exposing myself to.  So, I am apologizing now for possibly saying "sorry but I can't meet you for lunch" or "sorry but I can't have visitors this week".  I feel bad saying this but I really do need to stay healthy so that I can stay on track with my treatments.  

Finally got my wig trimmed up and highlighted!  I love it!!  I have been wearing it everyday this week, except when I have to wash it.  Any time I meet someone that I know, they tell me that it looks really natural and in fact looks like my own hair/style.  I am very pleased with it and I have to thank my brother in law for helping pay for it!  I always planned on getting a real human hair wig no matter what the cost.  Scott wanted me to feel comfortable in my wig and wanted me to have the best so he helped me get just that!  Thanks Scott!  I'll post pictures when I get a chance!

Be strong, stay positive and pray for me!

Looking Out The Window!

Yesterday was a tough day for me!

Got my wig and the color is not quite what I expected.  When I tried it on, I felt that it was a "wig"!  Well, of course it is but it really felt like a wig, now that I don't have much hair.  I was bummed out because I have been looking forward to getting it for two weeks now and just wanted it to be perfect.  I called the lady I purchased it from and she said she would put some highlights through it for me.  I would do it but I didn't want to take the chance of ruining it.  I think once some highlights are put though and I put some more layers and bangs in it, I will really like it.  Just got to remember that it isn't going to grow if I don't like it! LOL 

I thought about Mom a lot yesterday too.  I know she is here with me because some freeky things have been happening.  Once in a while, I can smell cigarette smoke.  I couldn't sleep the other night so I went down to the basement (we have a bed set up there now) and tried to get comfortable.  I thought I would bring my Kobo reader because I knew I wasn't overly tired.  I was reading Patti Mallette's book (Justin Bieber's Mom) and managed to finish a couple of chapters before shutting it down for the night.  Now, if any of you have a Kobo, you know that it saves the last book that you read on the screen and tells you the percentage that you have read.  So, I go down to the basement the next day to get my Kobo and on the screen was a book that I haven't even started reading and it said that it was 15% read!!!  Freeky....I think so!   The book was one that Cara downloaded when she was here (apparently it's similar to 50 Shades)...I guess Mom really liked it! LOL

After a couple of melt downs yesterday and supper I was sitting in my living room just looking out the window.  I find peace and comfort watching nature.  Watching the squirrels scurry, watching the leaves fall and watching....well, just nothing.  But one thing I did notice, is everyone going about their nightly routines.  People getting supper ready, doing homework with their kids and just having family time.  I realized how not too long ago, I was one of those families.  I was going on with my daily routines and only cared if the house was clean, when my next client would be coming, if I had enough groceries for the next couple of days.  Funny how your life can take a sudden turn.   We never know what is actually going on behind closed doors and sometimes, we just don't want to.  People looking in my windows might think that everything is normal here.  That we are going about the same routine that we have always done for the past 11 years.  But little do they know, our world has been turned upside down and it's not about the daily routines anymore.  Now it's about living!  Making sure the boys are having fun, that they are enjoying their lives.  Enjoying every minute with each other, good or bad.  Just taking each breath as it comes and exhaling with an even bigger breath...just knowing that you are alive!  It's amazing what you can see when you look out your window.

Be strong, be positive and pray for me! :)

Another Day Closer!

Starting to feel a bit better today!

I seem to be getting my energy back again, which the doctors said my energy would get worse as the treatments go.  I am glad because I can't seem to sit still!  I have been told to relax and take it easy but I find it hard when I see things around the house that need to get done.  I know everyone is thinking, the house can wait...and it certainly can, but I love doing things around my house and if it keeps my mind off things, then I welcome the distraction! 

Talked with my brother last night.  He is such a trooper!  Running a business, building a new house (and for you Ontario people...when I say building, I mean "he" is building his house).  He has the footings done and can start framing soon.  He has three adorable little girls that keep him busy and he is planning to come up to stay with me during my 4th treatment.  I know that it will be good for the both of us to get together...just hope he can handle the look of me.  He has been through an emotional roller coaster just like the rest of us and no matter how old you get, you don't want to see your family sick.  We are close as siblings but became a lot closer after my father died.  I think we both realized that family is the most important thing and that we have to always be here for one another, no matter what!  I am so excited to see him!

But before my brother comes, my sister is planning to visit!

For any of you who know Britt, she is usually good at keeping a secret but for some reason she couldn't keep this one!  She knew that I didn't have anyone coming for my next treatment so she has decided to come.  She was going to surprise me but with my reaction to her last surprise visit, I think she wanted to save me the heart failure. LOL  Looking forward to seeing her too!  She is still dealing with losing mom and my illness and I think it will be good for her to be close to me for the next little while.  Even though I won't be much company for the first few days!  I hope that we will be able to talk and get though some of this pain together. 

So, it looks like the fall is really picking up for visitors!!  Can't wait to see everyone because it just means one day closer to finishing these treatments! 

Be strong, be positive and pray for me!

Two Down Four To Go!!

Well, another treatment over with and it was a bit better this time.

The doctors tried me on a trial drug for nausea.  It gave me the worst headache I ever had in my life but I didn't vomit.  Had a lot of dry heaves which I think can be just as bad as vomiting.  Anyway, not sure if I will do it again next treatment or suffer though being sick.

My best friend Cara was here for a week, which is why I haven't been writing.  We have been that busy running around!  Just the way I like it...can't handle the cabin fever thing!  Not too sure Cara was able to keep up with me.  She thought she was coming here to clean my house and rub my back when I got sick...instead we hit a good shoe deal at the mall, got some clothes for the kids and their Halloween costumes!  Busy, Busy!!  Miss her like crazy now though!  We had some good laughs, cried a bit and watched numerous episodes of Long Island Medium!  We are so going to see her....Debbie is coming too!  When I am up for traveling, Teresa Caputo is on my bucket list!

Still waiting on my wig...which has been a big disappointment.  It was a week late and when I went to try it on, they sent the wrong color. Bluh!!!  It was this grey washed out blonde ashy tone wig.  Not at all what I ordered.  So they said it should be here today.  I am feeling way too dizzy and blurry to be going to see if my wig is in.  I'll just wait for their call.  Although I do need it...pretty bald!  Jason just said that I look like I shaved the sides of my head bald and left the faux hawk look down the back...only thing...the faux hawk is bald in spots!  I feel now when I take a shower, I have fist fulls of hair, although it's short but still coming out in hand fulls!  I have to wear my beeny hat now because my head is so cold!

Funny, I always thought I would have a problem losing my hair but I seem to be dealing with it quite well.  I think it's because I did it in stages.  I would recommend that to anyone going through this.  I found it helped the kids to cope a bit better too.  Cole came home from being in Barrie all weekend to seeing a much balder me and all he wanted to do was touch my head to see how soft it was.  Keil is adjusting well too.  It's taking him a bit longer but he is getting there.  They are great kids!  Love them so much :)

 Just got word that my mother's sister is not doing well and I would like to send out a big prayer for her!  Love you aunt Linda.  Feel better!

Friends and Family

Sorry for not writing in so long.  My computer has been down all week...and trust me, I have been going crazy without it!

Lots of things happening this week!  My sister in law, Debbie, left on Monday night.  Wow, didn't realize how much I missed her until she was gone!  Like I said before, we had a blast together and she made me laugh out loud and hard every day!  She was a huge help when she was here and all of us miss her dearly. 

Tuesday I went to my Look Good Feel Better program that was put on my volunteers at the hospital.  It's part of the Breast Cancer Association and it's free to women recently diagnosed with cancer.  When I arrived, there were 9 chairs and only 4 left.  Looking around the room, I realized how strong women are and how Breast Cancer affects so many!  I was the youngest participant but still felt like I belonged.  The program was informative and I got lots of free makeup and other beauty supplies.  But, I think my angels had other reasons for me to be there that day.   I was lucky enough to meet a girl around the same age as me (we were the only two in our 40's) and we chatted after the class for almost 1 hour.  She is HER2+ as well as Progesterone and Estrogen positive, just like me.  The only difference is that her tumor was smaller than mine and she only had one lymph node positive out of 13.  So, she is only being treated with Chemo and does not require Radiation.  We hit it off right from the beginning and have been texting each other every day since.  I even managed to go to her last treatment to sit with her for a bit.  She is super strong...single mom with two kids and struggling with a recent breakup.  I can see, that we are going to be friends for a very long time!

I am feeling really good!  I have all my energy, no nausea but I am losing my hair.  I have been on the go all week and feel wonderful!  I called my nurse yesterday to see if I might be able to get a new nausea drug for my next treatment.  She was going to look into it and let me know today.  While on the phone with her, I took the opportunity to ask for my MRI results from last week.  Brace yourself.....there was NO CANCER on my liver!  Yay!!!!   You don't even know how happy I was to hear that!  I cried, jumped up and down and got on the phone to call my family and friends!  It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders!  Now I am positive that my treatments are only an insurance policy!!!  Best news EVER!!!

My best friend since childhood is coming on Sunday to stay with me for the week.  Cara and I have been best friends since we were 7 and 8.  One day I was looking for someone to play with and my mother said, "why don't you call the little Logan girl down the road?"  Now, a lot of you don't know that I lived in a small rural community in Nova Scotia.  So, our closest neighbor was about a mile away....except for family.  So, Cara was my mile away neighbor.  I made the call and we have been besties ever since.  We have done everything together!  I even worked for her when I graduated from my hairdressing course.  She has always been there for me and I for her.  I can't wait for her to get here!  Jason has to go on training next week in the states so it's perfect timing for her to come.  She will be here for my next treatment and will probably be the one to shave my head!  It's going to be an interesting week!

Still missing my Mom everyday!  I think about her non stop and wish that she was here with me, physically!  I picked up the phone to call her yesterday and realized that one, my phone wasn't working yet, and two, she wouldn't be home to take my call! :(    I know she is with me because when I was lying in bed the other night, I could smell her.  Strange, I know but I really believe that if you want to see someone bad enough, then you will experience them.  Just like a few years ago, I was missing Dad like crazy.  I couldn't stop thinking of him for days.  I ended up having a dream about him and he held out his hand to take mine.  In my dream, I could actually feel the roughness of his hand.  I could feel the callus' and I could smell him.  It was the closest feeling I had since he passed.  

Everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!  Enjoy your time with friends and family....hold them close and tell them that you love them!

Be strong, be positive and pray for me!

Positivity Is The Key!

Had my MRI yesterday.  Results here in a week.

They had to do an MRI because they found two spots on my liver and just want to make sure that it's not the cancer spreading.  Puft...cancer spreading...are they crazy?  I don't have cancer anymore...all this Chemo and Radiation is just an insurance policy! 

Since the beginning of all this, I have maintained a positive outlook which I think is so important.  I often hear of people finding out they have cancer and just hiding away and slipping into a depression.  I can see how that can easily happen but I think if you do that, the cancer will thrive on your system being low and just take over.  I really do believe that your mind plays a huge role in your progress and healing.  I think the mind is way more powerful than we give it credit for. 

Instead of looking at it like...man, I was sick for 5 days and still not feeling 100%...I look at it like...I was only sick for 4 or 5 days and then was able to start doing things that I like again...and now I have two whole weeks of feeling 90%...tomorrow is going to be better than today....and I can handle being sick for 4 or 5 days once a month....it's only 6 or 7 months of my life!  Sorry that was a ramble but I think you get my point!  Positive, Positive, Positive! :)

One more thing...just want to thank all of my friends for participating in "Run for the Cure" this weekend!  I am truly honored and very humble that you would take time out of your busy schedules to run for me!  I am blessed to have such a wonderful group of friends and family!  Love you all <3 

Playing With Hair

My sister-in-law, Debbie, is here with me this week and we are having a blast!  You never really know how much you need someone until they are with you!  She makes me laugh from the gut everyday...you know that kind of laugh that makes your cheeks and stomach hurt and leaves you gasping for air!  We laugh about everything...and it feels so good!  Don't know what I am going to do without her! 

So we started shopping for wigs this week...my goodness, what an endeavor that was!  You know, it's really hard to find places that sell good wigs.  I want a good wig...I'm a hair person! LOL  I want a human hair wig...can't look fake, must be able to withstand heat tools and must always look good.  I did a search in Toronto for medical wigs and there isn't a lot of selection.  We happen to find a place here in Brampton that specializes in Chemo patients.  The owner, Debbie...or sometimes she wants to be called Annie (that's another story) is a real sweetheart!  She has explained every type of wig and what the best selection would be for me.  After trying on several styles...a lot just for fun...we picked out, what I think will be the perfect wig!  I have attached some photos of the style and color but will post actual photos once I receive the wig next week.

I am still having quite a bit of side effects from the Chemo.  I am dizzy everyday (thank God Debbie doesn't mind driving up here), I have a headache and I feel a bit nauseated (kind of like pregnancy, but obviously not).  I am hoping that once I let my doctors know, they will be able to change things up a bit or at least make some suggestions to lessen the symptoms.  I am still having trouble sleeping but am finding that each night gets a bit better.  In fact, that's the way everything is...with each day, it gets better! 

Be strong, be positive and pray for me please!

1 Down 5 To Go!

Feeling a bit better today.  The last couple of days have not been good.

Friday was my first treatment and it went ok.  The nurses that bandaged up my port, bandaged it up wrong and the Chemo nurses had to tug for quite some time to get the needle free.  It hurt like hell so they had to give me some Perkacets (sp?).  The actual treatment part was a breeze, it's what came after that was terrible.

Got home from the hospital and the nausea started to set in.  Took my meds but they didn't seem to help too much.  I was sick all night and feeling miserable!  Jason was wonderful, rubbing my back and washing my face.  Don't know what I would do without him.

Saturday I was really week and not feeling well at all but was able to hold down some small amounts of food.  I slept for most of the day only getting up for my meds and to eat.  I have had a massive headache since Friday night and it's just starting to minimize a bit.

Not much for writing today but wanted to let you know how I was doing.

Be strong, be positive and continue to pray for me!

Port-A-Cath

So, I am sitting here resting after having my Port-A-Cath inserted.  Might I say, that it was one of the worst things I have ever experienced!  Jason said on the way to the hospital "I think you are more nervous about this then you were having your breast off".  ...and I was.  I am just so tired of being poked, being uncomfortable and feeling pain.  I guess since we are just starting all this, I will have many more pokes, days of being uncomfortable...but hopefully no pain.

We arrived at CVH for 9:30am and went to Diagnostic Imaging in the Cancer Unit.  I only sat for a couple of minutes and they came to get me ready for the procedure.  Once we got into the surgical room, the doctor came to discuss the procedure with me....and let me tell you, it wasn't sounding so pleasant!  He asked me if I had any questions and all I could think of was "can you knock me out now before poking me with a needle?"...and "how long have you been doing this?"...WTF?  "How long have you been doing this?"  Geeze Louise...now I am worried about the ability of the doctors?!

Anyway, after all the nurses stopped laughing and the doctor composed himself...(I guess they don't get too many people asking them that),  the nurses started to get me ready for the procedure.  It seemed like it took forever before the doctor came back...hope I didn't offend him!  Anywho, they sanitized the area, put blankets all over me and then stood around and talked about moving and how much work it is to pack a house.  Oh, I just wanted to get it over with and the waiting was the most agonizing thing ever!!  Finally the doctor came in and started.  He first put a needle in my neck to help him find the main artery that he was going to put the lead from the Port into.  You can only imagine the pain I felt!  When he injected the solution from the needle the stinging was unbearable and I cried like a baby and screamed like a 2 year old!  Then finally, the freezing started to set in.  Then he injected another needle into the site where the Port was to go.  I was awake for the whole procedure (I guess the medicine was supposed to make me sleep).  He injected me once more with something else and it hurt like crazy again.  I guess it was more freezing but it didn't really work because I felt him stitching me up.  After the procedure, the nurses cleaned me up and took me to a recovery area.  Jason and I were the only ones there, so that was nice to have the quiet.  Finally the medicine kicked in and I fell asleep for about 1/2 hour.  They woke me up and told me I could go home after 45 mins in recovery.

We were home around noon and I slept for most of the afternoon.  I am still feeling tired and sore.  They left an IV needle (coming from the Port) so that the nurses can access my Port easily tomorrow morning.  Not looking forward to tomorrow morning...but also looking forward to it!  I just figure the sooner we get started, the sooner this will be over with!  So, I see my doctor at 9:15am and will begin Chemo after that.  Until tomorrow....

Be strong, stay positive and pray for me!

Friday It Is!!

This keeps getting better and better...not!! 

Yesterday, I had a follow up appointment with my Oncologist to review my test results from last week.  The heart scan showed that I am functioning normally with an Ejection fraction of 65% (which normal healthy adults have between 50% - 65%).  So I guess that means my heart will withstand the injections of Herceptin.  They will still do a heart scan every couple of months to make sure that doesn't change too much.  Results from my CT scan weren't so favorable.  The scan showed two "complex cystic lesions" on my liver.  Now I already have an hemangioma that they are watching every couple of years but now it appears that I have two other structures that they are concerned about.  One measures 1.4cm and the other is 1.2cm.  Not to say this is cancer but they are sending me for an MRI next week to help determine what exactly these things are.  Once again, I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. 

I find it sometimes hard to deal with all this.  To be totally honest, I am scared shitless! (spell check says that is not a word...but I am going to use it because that's what a MacKeil would do) LOL  I try to be strong everyday and make my life as normal as possible.  I try to take it one day at a time but often find myself looking at the big picture...and not necessarily liking what I see.  But, then something slaps me in the face (could be both Mom and Dad) and tells me "stop being so foolish" and "stop thinking that way"! 

A little side note, on my way home from the hospital (I was alone because Jason figured it would be just reviewing things and we both thought he didn't need to be there) I cried and prayed to Mom and Dad to help protect and save me from all this.  I asked them to give me a sign that everything was going to be ok.  When I got home and had my 1/2 hour cry...I looked out my window and there it was...my sign...a big beautiful rainbow.  For any of you that don't see the significance in that.  When my father died, his mother (my grandmother) looked out her window and a big rainbow was over our property.  So she knew that he had passed.  Also, when Dad was really sick, he would look out the front window and when he saw a rainbow, he would comment on how beautiful it was and would ask me to take a picture.  So, rainbows are very special to me and my siblings.  It's our way of knowing that our Dad (and now Mom) are with us.  Oh, and yesterday was 14 years since Dad passed.  I feel like I had multiple signs yesterday!  So, all that being said, once again, I pull up my boots and trudge on...come hell or high water, I am going to get through this...or a least give the fight of my life trying! 

I asked my Oncologist yesterday..."what are my chances, given all that you are seeing in these tests and reports?"...she responded, "you are going to be fine...it's not going to be easy, but you are going to be fine".  She just wants to find out what these "suspicious, complex lesions" on my liver are, then she can take care of things as need be.

So, now for the rest of the week!  Tomorrow morning I go to get my Port-A-Cath inserted.  They are going to give me a drug that just makes me "unaware" of what is going on.  Can they give me that drug for the next year?...just a thought! :)  The original plan was to give my Chemo immediately after the insertion but they feel that things might run behind and rather than being rushed, they figure that it would be better to wait until Friday; which Friday was my day of choice for Chemo.  I figure that Jason is taking my Chemo days off and then he will be home with me for probably my two worst days before he has to go back to work.  So Friday, September 21st, it is!!

Be strong, stay positive and keep praying for me!  Love you all!! <3

Just Thinking!!

Awww, the beginning of another week!

Sitting here on my front porch just thinking about what this week will bring and wishing that Mom was here with me.  I've really started to feel the effects of Mom not being here.  I said it was a little easier for me because I am away from home so it's not in front of me everyday but that is not true.  I actually think that because I am away, it's going to take me longer to get over.  To me, it's just like we haven't talked in a while.  That both our lives are so busy that we haven't had the time to call and catch up.  Numerous times, I have thought of calling and realize, after picking up the phone, that she isn't going to answer on the other end.  It's hard to think that she is not going to be the voice of reason on the phone.  That she is not going to be the one to tell me it's going to be alright and tomorrow is another day.  As the days go on and I get closer to receiving my treatment, I miss her more and more.  I know she would say, you're gonna make it...you're still beautiful...you are strong, but sometimes, I just need to hear her voice actually say it.

You know, looking back, I wish that I told her more often that I really loved her.  I said it to her every time I talked to her but it was out of habit.  That sounds a little harsh but it's true.  How often do we tell someone we love them...like our parents, our brothers, sisters or husbands/wives?  We say it everyday and we certainly mean it...but does it come out as just words or do they actually feel the love coming from our hearts and being spoken on our lips.  I guess some people would say, that is taking the people you love for granted...which I think a lot of us do, in some sort of way.  I just want people to know that when I say I love them, that I mean it from the depths of my heart.  That I would be so sad if they weren't here with me, in this life time.  That's all that I wish Mom could have known.  That I loved her...and I still do, with all my being!

Now, enough with the crying...felt good though!  So this is the week...or so they say.  I have an appointment tomorrow with my Oncologist to discuss the results from my Syma scan and CT scan as well as go over my treatment schedule and get my prescriptions for my nausea medication.  They mentioned to me last week that they could start my Chemo on Thursday after my Port insertion.  I am thinking that might be a good idea.  Each week that goes by, I worry that we are wasting precious time.  I am still 99.9% positive that all the treatment is just an insurance policy...but there is still that 0.1% that thinks that there may be cells that got away.  I figure you have to be somewhat realistic but still stay positive and optimistic.  I am only human...although, some of you, for some unknown reason, think I am Wonder Woman! LOL

Anyway, time to get on with my day...as I am sure all of you do too!

Be strong, stay positive and please pray for me!

Week In Review!

I had a very busy week again!  Not necessarily with appointments but with things I like to do.

On Monday, one of my regular clients came for a visit with her granddaughter.  We sat and had a coffee and got caught up on each others news.  It was so nice to be able to spend that time with her and not worry about finishing up before someone else came. 

Tuesday, I had my Syma scan (Heart).  It was not all that pleasant.  The actual test wasn't much...just lying on a table while a machine took pictures.  It was the injection that didn't agree with me...and the fact that the IV that was put in, left me with a huge bruise.  Through these last few tests, I have determined that I am allergic to the contrast that they are injecting me with.  About 1/2 hour after my scan, my stomach blew up like I was 6 months preggers and it cramped like crazy!  I just made it home in time to go to the bathroom.  I had two full days of running to the bathroom and bad pains and gas in my stomach.  Not fun at all!

Wednesday, I called one of my regular clients.  She has been coming to me for almost 4 years and she is the sweetest lady I know.  I always tell Jason that she reminds me of my grandmother Hadley...and if any of you knew my sweet Mable, you would know how much I loved her and how sweet she was.  She was always laughing and just this cute little lady that you just wanted to squeeze all the time.  Well, Gloria reminds me of her.  She's this tiny package of love!  We had a great chat and I realized during that conversation how good people really are, and how much my experiences have touch them.  Gloria, you're one in a million!

Thursday, I had my CT scan...which again, was not a pleasant test.  On arriving at the hospital, I was given two big cups filled with the most disgusting "juice".  I use the word "juice" very lightly when I am referring to this concoction!  I had another IV put in my arm and my bruise just got bigger...(they are always using my left arm now because they say that I have been "damaged" enough on my right side)...who says that...really?  Anyway, I had to drink this "juice"...did I mention how gross it was...over a 45 minute period.  There was another girl in the waiting area drinking her "juice" too and she was about ready to throw up!  Once my name was called, I was taken into the room with the CT machine.  The technician asked me to put my arms over my head.  Now, I can't put my arm over my head for very long but she seemed to think I could leave it there for the entire test without budging!  WRONG!!!  During the test, I was given a shot of contrast again...this time, the shot made me extremely warm all over (like I mean warm...like I was cooking from the inside out) and made you feel like you were peeing.  Not the most pleasant feeling!!  All I could think of was "great, I just got over the gas, shits and expanded stomach and now I am going to go through it again"...lovely!!   I will spare you all the details of what happened after leaving my test....let's just say before leaving the parking lot, I had to RUN back to the hospital twice!  Not what I wanted considering I was to meet a group of girls for lunch!

So, I managed to hold it together for lunch with a great group of friends.  Funny how we all met...Jason worked with all of them and they became my friends too.  When we first moved here, Jason worked for his uncles company.  It was a small engineering company and all of us would get together after work or after a company ball game, for drinks.  A couple of the girls started coming to me to get their hair done and introduced me to one of the other girls.  Now, there are five of them that keep in contact through facebook or from being my clients...one comes every so often to go through Keil and Cole's clothes, that don't fit them anymore.  They are a great group of girls and I really enjoyed myself...made me kind of forget all that has been going on...even the fact that I had the shits! Sorry for being so candid! 

Yesterday, the kids had a PA day....why do they need a PA day when school just started last week?  Anyway, I took my munchkins shopping and then did some purging at the house.  We are trying to get things "clutter free" before I start my treatments.  Let's just say...it's been interesting!  After spending the afternoon breaking up fights and cleaning, we headed down to Sick Kids for Keil's MRI.  He has a check up every two years for his Chairi Malformation.  He did amazing!  Didn't move one bit...stayed completely still!  Such a brave boy!!  All Cole was worried about was whether or not he would be able to see Selena Gomaz or Justin Bieber!  (He knew they were in town for TIFF) LOL 

Anyway, that was some of my week in review.  I am realizing now that I should be writing more often...because when I wait...I seem to ramble on and on! :)  I am also going to start posting pictures (once I figure out how to do it) so that you can all follow my journey and see how this is affecting me physically.  I am not ashamed to let everyone see...I am not the woman that wears baggy clothes to cover the fact that I am missing a boob, I will not be the woman that always has to wear her wig (I will get one to please Cole) and I am just not the woman who hides because she has cancer.  I don't care if people are uncomfortable...if I still feel beautiful, then why should I hide or be ashamed.  I know people are curious...because so many people are surprised that I look as good as I do...I guess they are expecting to see someone that "looks" like they have cancer...whatever that means!

Stay positive, be strong and please pray for me! <3

Reality!

...sitting here, not quite knowing what to write.

Friday Jason and I had a "group" information session at Credit Valley.  We were there for 1:45 and made our way to the class room.  We walked in and there were two other couples there.  Both couples were easily in their 70's.  As the rest of the attendees arrived, I noticed that I was the youngest member.  I know cancer doesn't discriminate against age, gender or race but to see that I was the youngest really made this all reality. 

First off, the clinical nurse presented the side effects, when to go to emergency and how her team will be able to support us.  Second, the nutritionist came in to speak to us about the obvious but also to tell us how to avoid some of the side effects or at least minimize them through nutrition.  Third, the social worker spoke to us about our feelings, what we might be feeling as we go though this journey, and how her team can help the patient, our caregiver and our family.  Forth, the pharmacist spoke to us about the toxic drugs that will be injected as well as the maintenance drugs.  Finally, the social worker took us all to the Chemo unit.  They have four pods that contain up to 20 reclining chairs.

Walking into the Chemo unit was quite an eye opener.  I guess I could say that it made everything so realistic.  Seeing all the patients that were receiving their treatments and watching them with their families.  Knowing that all these people are sick and fighting so hard to live.  I am one of those patients.

Tomorrow, I have my heart scan.

Be strong, be positive and please pray for me.

Week In Review

Appointments, appointments....and more appointments!  Poor Jason is missing that much work, they are probably wondering if he still actually works there!  He has been great and I am so thankful to have him by my side.

Tuesday's appointment with my Medical Oncologist, Dr. Rajagopal, was good.  She is very friendly and compassionate.  She explained to me the results from my surgery and the reason for needing Chemo.  My cancer is HER2 positive which basically means that a protein is being produced that promotes the growth of cancer cells...making my type of breast cancer aggressive.  A good thing is that my breast cancer is also positive for Progesterone and Estrogen receptors which means the cancer will respond well to treatment.  So, the regimen that Dr. Rajagopal suggests is aggressive and will include....six rounds of Chemo, with treatments being every three weeks.  On the fourth treatment, she will introduce a drug called Herceptin that will be given every three weeks for a year.  She calls this a maintenance drug.

They are going to insert a Port-A-Cath under my skin on September 20th. They will use that for taking blood and administering my Chemo.  This device will help save my veins from the toxins of Chemo.  They will leave it in for a year and continue to administer the Herceptin through it.  The Herceptin has a side effect that could cause problems with the heart, so they have scheduled me for a heart scan next week and will monitor my heart every 2-3 months (while on the drug).

My bone scan came back negative for cancer and my liver looked good but Dr. Rajagopal wants to double check things just to make sure the cancer didn't spread to any organs.  So, she has scheduled me for a CT scan next Thursday.  It will be a scan of my torso so that she can check everything.

Wednesday's appointment with my Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Yuen was good.  He basically said that I would require 5 weeks of radiation, one month after I finish my 6th Chemo treatment.  No serious side effects other than a sunburn (which can be eased with cream) and fatigue.  I will meet with him again closer to the end of my Chemo to get my tattoos and discuss the procedure again.

Today, I met with my surgeon, Dr. Niaz.  It was an appointment that I thought would be pretty routine...check my incision, check the healing, check my mobility....etc.  All that was done but then he told me something that I have a problem with.  Because I am having Radiation, I will not be able to get implants for my reconstruction.  I am quite upset by this and some of you may think I am being foolish.  You see, implants were the solution that was best for me because I don't have enough fat around my middle to create a new breast. (that's where they take the skin and muscle for reconstruction...from your waist) So that wasn't really an option for me.  Plus if I did have enough fat, it is a really invasive surgery.  Not the news I wanted to hear.  I realize it is a long time down the road but it was something I was looking forward to. 

...after all this rant, my Chemo will start on September 18th.  It's going to be a long road, a hard road but hopefully a smooth road!

Please stay positive, be strong and continue to pray for me!

Where To Begin!!

...and so I return! 

It's been a very stressful few weeks for me as well as extremely emotional.  Losing my Mom has been one of the most difficult things to deal with.  I never thought that I would be going through this journey without my Mom by my side.  I always knew that she would be there for me...waiting for my phone call after an appointment, reassuring me that I was going to be ok, and loving me unconditionally.  But sadly, she is not going to be there to share my triumphs with, my progress and my strength.  Mom was taken very suddenly from me on the evening of August 12th.  I spoke to her in the morning; she called to wish Jason a happy birthday.  She had tried to get a hold of us the day before (his actual birthday) but couldn't get through the phone line.  She seemed good when we spoke but didn't want to talk long because she was busy doing some things and said we would talk tomorrow.  I never knew at that moment that tomorrow would never come.  She had a massive heart attack that would take her life and there was nothing any of us could do about it.

After the initial shock, I knew that I had to get home to support my family.  Not once thinking about my illness and what I could be sacrificing by going.  We flew to Nova Scotia the next day and soon the realization that she was really gone started to sink in.  Three weeks have passed since Mom received her angel wings and I have decided that I need to focus on getting better...that is what Mom would have wanted. As hard as it is, to not focus on my loss, I need to pull up my boots and get ready for the next chapter of this crazy life.   I have a message sitting on my answering machine from Mom and I will hear her voice whenever, I need that little pick me up!  She is still cheering me on and helping me to be strong...just in a different way.

So...now to the progress that I have achieved over the past few weeks.  My numbness and tingling has subsided a bit and I have most of the movement back in my arm.  I am strong and feeling great!  I realized that while I was home, hugging/being hugged, and feeling numb from losing my mother, it helped with the therapy on my arm.  I wasn't realizing at the time that I was actually exercising my arm and shoulder, every time I hugged someone...and I hugged a lot of people!   I also realized that having Mom here for two weeks was a real blessing!  So, my cloud does have a silver lining!

I meet with my Oncology Team this week.  Tuesday (my birthday), I will meet with the Medical Oncology doctor that will consult with me regarding my Chemo treatment....Oops, maybe I am getting ahead of myself.  The day that I was flying out to Nova Scotia, my surgeon called with results from my surgery.  I was supposed to have a follow up appointment with him on Thursday, August 16 to discuss my results.  But because I had to call him to see if I could fly after just having my last drainage tube and staples removed  (morning of August 12) he decided he needed to tell me the results on the phone.  My tumor was in fact 2.8cm and the cancer had spread to 2 of 5 lymph nodes.  With those results, it was evident that I would require Chemo and Radiation. 

Now, back to the appointments...so Tuesday...meet with my Medical Oncology doctor, Wednesday...meet with my Radiation Oncology doctor and Thursday...follow up with my surgeon.  All of my appointments will be at Credit Valley Hospital.  I am assuming that after these appointments, I will have my schedule of Chemo and Radiation appointments.   As it stands now, I will be having 4-6 months of Chemo treatments and will lose my hair, followed by one month break and then one month of Radiation everyday (except weekends). 

It's going to be a long hard road but I know that with my strength and positive attitude, as well as the prayers and support from friends and family, I will come through this with flying colors! LOL

Thank you to everyone that has sent cards, flowers, donations, emails and phone calls...I thank you from the bottom of my heart!  I am so blessed to have you all in my life.

Please be strong, stay positive and keep sending those prayers!