Happy New Year!!

I can't even believe how fast this year passed us by! 

Well it was certainly a different Christmas for us this year.  We had an awesome Christmas full of entertaining, good food, lots of laughs and excitement as we watched the boys open all their gifts from Santa!  I was under the tree passing out all the gifts, taking pictures and video, making coffee, finding batteries, opening toys...you know, those hard ones that you need a knife and screwdriver to open the endless supply of ties! As frustrating as they were, trying to cut a million of them per toy, I enjoyed every minute of it.   Much different than last year...I couldn't move off the couch to help distribute the gifts and tried to smile at the kids and show some sort of excitement as they opened their gifts.  I felt like crap and to feel amazing this year, was a welcomed gift all in its own!!

Before I sat down to write today, I briefly went through all my blogs from December of last year.  I was in a lot of pain last year and very weak.  It's funny how you forget some of what you have been through.  Unless I actually sit down and think about things, I find it hard to comprehend how sick I actually was.  Then I look at the pictures and "see" how sick I was.  It was funny, Cole looked at our family calendar for December and I always have a picture at the top of the calendar to remind us of what we experienced in that month, the year before.  Well, the picture this month is of our family last Christmas.  Cole didn't even recognize me...well, he knew it was me but he couldn't believe it was me.  He said "wow Mom, you look so different!"  and to think that he always called me beautiful, even when I was sick and looking my worst.  Makes me proud of my kids and the compassion they showed during my treatments.  They certainly are good boys! :)

So, I am trying to prepare myself for the beginning of my reconstruction.  This time next week, I will be in surgery again to begin the long and painful process of reconstruction.  I have so many mixed emotions surrounding this.  I am excited to begin because it just means I am closer to being "normal".  I am scared shitless about the pain and discomfort that comes with all these procedures.  I am nervous about the final results...will I be happy, will I feel like a woman, will I regret it?  All kinds of things go through your mind!  The thing is, once we start the process, there is no turning back!  So, I have to suck up the pain and get past my fears and try to find the good in this entire journey!  All I can say is that I have total faith in my doctors and I know that this next journey is going to be a piece of cake compared to what I have been through! :) 

January 7th will mark the day that I begin my journey to healthy new boobies!!!  YAY!!!

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2014!!  May all your dreams come true!!

Where A Year Can Take You

I can not believe, when I look at pictures from last Christmas, how much I have changed!  I have been looking back again, on pictures that were taken this time last year and I can't even believe that it is me in the photos!  I look so different...I felt so different!  It seems like so long ago yet sometimes, it feels like only a couple of months have passed.  I am so excited to say that it's almost a year since my last Chemo treatment.  Who would have thought that I would be sitting here, admiring my Christmas lights, emailing friends, watching Christmas movies with my kids, playing in the snow, making cookies, Christmas shopping and feeling the best I have ever felt!  It almost seems like a nightmare and not reality at all.  But then, I look down and I see the part of me that has been missing for so long.  The part of me that makes me feel like a woman...the part of me that makes me feel comfortable and confident in my clothes.  It's then that I realize that I did live the nightmare but I survived!

This week was a busy week for me.  I had two pre-op appointments, one with my family doctor and one with my plastic surgeon.  Both were fairly short appointments but each a little different.  My family doctor had to fill out some forms and ask me about my family history.  It made for an emotional day because when speaking about my mother and father, I couldn't help realize that they are actually both gone and that I have been through all this without them being "physically" here.  I guess it's hard not to think about it when my family doctor's intern is giving me the "you poor thing" talk.  Telling me that "it is so sad what you have been through" and asking me "how did you get through it".  Sometimes I wonder if I should make up this elaborate story just to shut them up.  Especially when I had to take Cole with me (he was home sick with a sore throat that day) and she just kept going on and on.  When someone's eyes start welling up with tears, don't you think it's time to shut your mouth and just get on with the exam?  Some doctors have no idea.

My appointment with my plastic surgeons office was quick but not painless.  I had blood work done, which I am used to being pricked now and then the nurse proceeded to tell me about "what to expect on the day of surgery".  Oh my goodness, I think I would have rather that she didn't say anything and told me to just come the day of surgery and make sure I had a driver....and leave it at that.  She explained the typical stuff, only clear fluids 4 hours prior to surgery, no solid foods for 24 hours prior and wear loose clothing...etc.  Then she went on to tell me that it was a very painful surgery and that my donor site would be extremely sore because it is such and invasive surgery...but that they would send me home with "good" drugs!  Ugh...is this all going to be worth it?  I am so used to feeling good that I am not looking forward to being down and out again.  She said that these next two procedures would take about a week of healing.  I guess when I look back on the past year....a week of healing is not so bad.  I am just not looking forward to the pain...I hate pain :(

So, now I get to enjoy Christmas with my family and friends and try to mentally prepare myself for what the New Year has in store for me!  Kind of exciting but a little scary too!  I will be posting pictures of my procedures so if you are not interested in seeing the actual process, please don't read my blog.  Remember, this was a blog for me...and my close family and friends that needed to know how I was doing.  It is a venue for me to vent, be brutally honest and to help people understand what life is like, living with Breast Cancer.  I will try to put a caption at the top of each post to warn people of possible pictures. 

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for all those people dealing with this terrible disease.

Oh My Goodness....It's Been WAY Too Long!!

I apologize for not writing in a while...and I have so much to tell!  My life has been a little on hold because we purchased a puppy and he had been more like a baby then a puppy (and we all know how busy a baby will keep you).  Unfortunately, we as a family decided that the timing was just not right to have the new addition.  So, we sent him to a loving home where he has another dog friend and two cats to play with.  He is adjusting well to his new environment.  It was a hard decision to make but we knew in the end, it was the right one for all of us.  So, that was keeping me very busy for the month of November.  Now, on to all the news I have to tell! :)

First, I finished my last Herceptin treatment on November 7!  Again, it was an emotional day, ringing the bell again.  I was sure that I had another treatment the end of November but when I went for my appointment on the 7th, my nurse told me it was the last one.  I rang the bell with my nurses as Jason didn't come because he thought I had one more.  So, now that I am totally finished IV treatments, I was able to get my port removed last week.  I went into surgery around 1:20pm in the afternoon and got out around 2:30pm.  The doctor asked if I wanted to keep my port, (was that really something people did?) I decided that it would be neat to keep it.  It was my life line for an entire year...it saved my veins from the poison of Chemo and it provided doctors an access point for blood work and other tests...saving me from being pricked over and over.  So, yes I decided to keep it...the boys think it's pretty cool!  So, two more milestones reached on this journey! :)

Now, to the not so great stuff.  Since I returned from vacation in August, I have been having some pain in my chest on my mastectomy side.  It's like a sharp pain that shoots from the front to my back when I take a deep breath or move a certain way.  It comes and goes so I wasn't overly concerned.  When I told my nurse, she told me that I should have it checked out.  So, my doctor scheduled a bone scan and a CT scan.  I had my bone scan on November 1 and my CT scan two weeks later.  Now my nurse usually calls me with results when she has them but I wasn't hearing back from her after my bone scan. (and the tech told me that my results would be in the system that night)...I had a feeling at this point that something was wrong because the technician kept asking me if I had an accident in the past 6 months.  They had to take numerous pictures of my right side and kept asking if I had fallen or if I injured that side.   Not a good feeling! :(

Finally, it was time for my CT scan and after my scan I went to see my Chemo nurse.  I told him that I didn't hear results from my bone scan so he was kind enough to print a copy of my results and give them to me.  Now I know why you are not supposed to receive results from anyone but your doctor.  The results were that they found "activity" on my eighth, ninth and tenth ribs.  They stated that there was mild activity found on my last scan (August 2012) but not enough to be noted.  This test showed that the activity was increased.  Well, lets just say that I was in a complete daze driving home from the hospital.  All I could think of was that the cancer had spread and I now had it in my bones.  What would I do?  What would I tell the boys?  How was Jason going to deal with this?  It was like I was in a fog trying to make it to the clear and I couldn't get there.  I couldn't think straight...and probably shouldn't have been driving.  I made it home safely and sat and cried for over an hour.  I called Jason and he decided to come home from work to be with me.  I called my Oncology nurse and asked her for my results (I didn't want her to know that I already saw them)...and she told me she couldn't give them to me over the phone....and they were waiting on the results from my CT scan.  She asked me to call her back on Thursday (this was Tuesday) and she should have all the results back.  My world was thrown into a spin and I felt like I was loosing control of what I had worked so hard to maintain for the past year. 

Thursday came and I called my nurse first thing in the morning...of course that was too early for her to know anything so she told me to call back in the afternoon.  I called back again around 1:00pm and she told me that they had to call the radiologist on call to review my tests.  Oh my God!!!!  Could it get any worse...waiting for results has got to be the most agonizing thing in the world!  I called her back at 4:00pm and my CT scan showed no spread of cancer and that what they had seen on my ribs was "likely" scar tissue.  It's been hard to revert my mind back to the positive, but I have been working hard at it for the past couple of weeks.  I don't want to think that they might be wrong...and what if.  I just want to continue with my life and enjoy every minute.

So, I think I told you all about Malina (my plastic surgeon's patient that is going through the same reconstruction process that I am).  She had her surgery to remove her "good" breast and have the expander/implant put in place.  Her surgery was on October 15 and she told me to give her a few weeks of recovery before calling to see how she made out.  I gave it a month and called her.  She is over the moon happy with her image!  She said it was very unpleasant and that she had a good 3 weeks of not being able to do anything.  She couldn't even get out of bed without someone helping her.  She had a fair amount of pain and had her drains in for almost 3 weeks.  She was starting to feel better and get around a bit more when I was talking with her (at 4 weeks).  The one thing she said..."I don't regret a thing!"  She loves the results and she loved Dr. Semple!

Today, I received my call from Dr. Semple's office...my reconstruction is about to begin!!  I have my pre-op next Thursday, December 12 and my first fat grafting procedure is scheduled for January 7th!!  OMG I am so excited I can barely contain myself!!  Leslie, Dr. Semple's secretary, called to give me my first and second appointments for the fat grafting, with my second being April 8th.   This is really happening!!!  I am getting my new boobies and I couldn't be happier!!  Lots will be going on over the next month and I will try my best to keep you all posted and will post pictures as well.

It's been a long road and it's not over yet...but I see that my life is definitely moving in the right direction! :)

Be positive, be strong and please continue to pray for all the people struggling to get through this terrible disease!

Weeks Are Flying By!!

The weeks are just flying by!! 

Last week I had my Herceptin treatment and was told that I only have two left!!  I will be so happy to get this port out.  Don't get me wrong, I loved having it because it definitely saved my veins but sometimes it pulls and I don't really like the look of a lump sticking out of my chest....had a bad experience with that before LOL!!  So, I believe my last treatment will be on November 28 (my next being November 7) and then I can arrange to have the port taken out. 

I have been having some chest pain for quite some time now and I wasn't sure if I pulled a muscle or if it was something else.  I notified the nurse at my last Herceptin treatment and she called my Oncologist to discuss.  She ordered a bone scan and CT scan immediately.  I have my bone scan on November 1 and my CT scan on November 12.  I guess I can look at it this way...they are taking all the precautions to make sure there is no cancer to be found in my body.  I am kind of relieved that they are doing these tests but I will admit, I am also tired of sitting at the hospital.  I guess I should be thankful that I have great doctors and nurses that want to see me get well and not be sick again.  It's always a stressful time waiting to hear back from these tests and your mind tends to go over every possible scenario.

Jason and I sat in our room last night talking about all that we have been through and what we still have to complete before this whole illness is behind us.  You know, I never really told him how scared I get sometimes.  How my body is tired and I just keep pushing on so that no one worries.   I don't want my family to worry about me.  We all have so much going on in our lives that to add more stress to anyone, is not going to help the situation.  I feel good but I know I could feel even better.  I am hoping that when my Herceptin finishes, I will feel that much better.  Who knows what it is doing to my body (besides killing HER2 receptors) or how it is limiting me from feeling my best.  Jason expressed how worried he is that he will lose me or that he is going to get cancer.  You hope and pray that you never have to deal with it, but when you do, whether yourself or a spouse, it opens your eyes to a whole other world.  One of constant worry and realizing that life is very precious.  We just have to keep plugging along and hope cancer will never show it's ugly head again! 

I am still waiting to speak with Malina again and also hear from Dr. Semple's office regarding appointments.

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray. :)

So Much To Be Thankful For!

I just took a moment to look back on my blog...boy, have I come a long way!

I did a lot of reflecting last October.  Seeing the leaves change color  and fall...the way my life changed and those same trees getting their "new" leaves in Spring...just like I got my "new" life.  I reflected on getting through my second treatment and loosing my hair.  I feel, after reading some of my posts, that I was in a dark, sheltered place.  One that I didn't know if I was going to get out of.  Even though people told me I was so positive, reading my words, I remember how I felt....very alone and scared.

Now, I feel alive and blessed to have this second chance at life.  I feel like I want to do so many things, take advantage of time with my kids and just slow life down.  It's crazy how I want things to slow down so that I can really enjoy them, yet I want the days to click by so that I am closer to reconstruction.  Before I know it, the time will be here and I will be totally into the next chapter of my life.

In my last post, I mentioned that Dr. Semple (my plastic surgeon)...the best of the best ;)  was going to give me the name of a patient that was undergoing the same procedure that he had discussed with me.  Well, his secretary, Leslie, contacted me last week with the name of a patient that was expecting my call.  Malina is her name and she is 39.  I don't know a lot of the details surrounding Malina's diagnosis but she was more than willing to share her experience with reconstruction.  (I will ask her next time about her diagnosis)  She did tell me that, like me, Breast Cancer was not in her family.  Seems to be more the case these days...is it our food chain, our environment or what I think was the cause of mine, the birth control pill. 

Malina is a very kind and knowledgeable survivor.  She started the process with Dr. Semple 6 months ago.  She decided to go with the fat grafting procedure, with expanders, because her sister's mother-in-law was a patient of Dr. Semple and had the procedure done a year ago and was quite happy with her results.  Malina has had her two fat grafting sessions done and can't believe the results.  The fat grafting is to repair the radiated skin, it doesn't form a mound of any sort.  After her second fat grafting, Malina noticed that her skin was repairing itself.  The skin that was damaged from radiation was beginning to change color and become more like the rest of her skin.  It was more supple and soft.  She also regained some of the sensation back from where nerves were cut from her mastectomy.  That is truly unbelievable!!!  I can't believe fat, that is removed from your stomach and injected into your mastectomy scar, can actually heal you!  Crazy!!!   She explained how they made a small incision in her belly button and removed the fat and then injected it into three incisions along her mastectomy scar.  She said that it was a day surgery and that she was only sore and bruised for about a week.  She had surgery on October 15 to remove the other breast and have an implant put in, and an expander put into her mastectomy side.  She told me to call her back in a couple of weeks to see how everything went.

I thought about her all day yesterday.  Wondering how she was feeling, if she was excited, scared or just numb with emotion.  When I spoke to her, she was looking forward to getting this next step complete.  She said that Dr. Semple has been nothing but professional, compassionate, informative and positive.  He has taken very good care of her and she wouldn't change anything.  I will keep you updated on Malina's progress.

I should have my appointments set up in the next month.  I spoke to Leslie yesterday and she said that she is still waiting to hear from the general surgeon, for an appointment time and then she can coordinate my first fat grafting procedure.  She indicated that Dr. Semple is booked solid for the rest of this year and that although I am on a waiting list, I probably won't start until January.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving with their loved ones!  We have so much to be thankful for in this household!

Be positive, be strong and support the cause! :)

2013 Run For The Cure!

What an emotional day!!  It was a day in which I reflected back on all the shit that I went though.  The countless tests, pricks, pokes, and poisons that enveloped my body for the past year.   The last 1/2 km was the hardest and I thought back to my last week of radiation.  How crazy it was to think that I actually made it...and I was determined to finish the race with the same positive outlook that I have always had.  Jason was by my side through the whole run, but we didn't talk...I think we were both so overwhelmed and proud that we made it!  He let me go at my own pace and supported me when I felt that I needed to slow down and encouraged me to pick up speed and continue...a carbon copy of our past year. 

I rounded the corner at the 2km mark and there, in a Sou'wester and rain jacket, was my cheering section.  My friend Vera came out to cheer me on and managed to "appear" two more times during the run.  The most emotional appearance was when I was struggling to get up a hill.  Jason was encouraging me and in the distance, I saw Vera.  My eyes began to well up and I found it hard to catch my breath.  Seeing her at the side of the road and hearing her cheer me on, made me feel like I had the support of the world and I could make it though anything.  She doesn't realize how her being there symbolized my cheering section in heaven.  I know that my parents would be so proud of me and all that I have achieved, just as I know, Vera was proud of me.  Vera, you are a star and I am so honored that you shine bright for me!  You lifted me up when I thought I couldn't go on...very thankful for our friendship!

Crossing the finish line was incredible!  For the past three weeks, I have been thinking to myself "who am I kidding, I won't be able to run this...walk yes, run...not so much!"  But I did it, with my partner in crime by my side...well Jason ran ahead to take pictures but he was there and had the biggest smile on his face.  To hear him tell me how proud he is of me, just made this victory so much sweeter!  I crumbled into his arms and we both cried...happy tears that we finished the race together.  This has been a day that I will cherish forever!

Thank you to all my friends and family who supported me with donations!  I raised an incredible $1360.01!!!  Yes, one cent...it has special meaning for my loving friend Vera! 

Fall Is Here...and so am I!!

I kind of forgot how to long on to my blog!  It's been so long since I wrote something that I have probably lost a lot of my followers.  For those of you that are sticking with me, I am back at it and have oodles to tell!

First off, my summer was fantastic!!  We all went home for two weeks in July and the boys and I stayed on for an extra two weeks.  We enjoyed ourselves so much...just felt like we could really relax...no worrying about doctors appointments or tests...just relaxing and focusing on family, friends and enjoying ourselves!  The boys were able to spend a ton of time with their cousins and wanted to actually stay in Nova Scotia.  It's such a hard decision to make, whether to move back home or stay here in Ontario.  But, that is a decision for another time! :)

Once we returned from our vacation, in mid August, I came back to a load of tests!  Had treatment, blood work and a heart scan on the day after returning, and then an MRI two weeks ago.  I am happy to report that all came back clear, negative and awesome!  My heart scan was the best it's ever been (including the scan done before treatments started)...it was 66%!  I tell everyone it was from all the love, laughs, great food and fresh salt air that brought my heart up to its best! :)  My blood work came back "remarkable", as quoted by my oncologist and my MRI showed no signs of cancer on the brain.  You see, once I returned from vacation, I was experiencing an increase in headaches and the first thing I worried about was that the cancer spread to my brain.  Well, I worried myself for nothing!  All is good! Yay me!!

So now I still go for treatment of Herceptin every three weeks, but I will be finished with that the end of November.  Also, I am now at the point where I won't be seeing my oncologist and nurse for another 6 months...that's half a year!!  Isn't that something?  Every time I go to the hospital, I feel like I reach another milestone in this chapter.  It's just incredible! 

The big news and next chapter is reconstruction!  Yes, I am going to get a new boobie!! :)  I met with my first plastic surgeon on August 22nd.  Jason and I drove to downtown Mississauga and sat in a stuffy, arrogant, posh plastic surgery clinic.  I never felt so out of place in my entire life.  When we walked in, there were people in the waiting room and the reception desk was out of sight.  I walked, hesitantly over to the reception area and found two, pumped up, shiny faced, nipped and tucked ladies!  Boy did I feel out of place!  I told them who I was and they asked me to take a seat.  As I sat there, holding my charts from Credit Valley and watched as ladies came in and out, I realized that this was not where I was going to have my surgery done.  I told Jason that I felt uncomfortable and he told me I was crazy!  We were taken into another waiting area and finally the doctor came in to see us.  He was the most arrogant, ass hole that I have ever met!  No compassion or bed side manner at all!  He was short with me and almost mocking me that I had such a big chart from the hospital.  He didn't even take the time to look it over to see what he was dealing with.  I knew right away that I would not give this doctor the pleasure of reconstructing me!  My appointment was all of 5 minutes...no, maybe I am being a little hasty...I'll give him 7 mins...we got up and left both feeling a bit deflated.  I cried the whole way home, thinking, is that what I am going to have to deal with?  Is this how it is going to be...feeling like I am a burden to the doctors because they have to "reconstruct" and not just put an implant in for cosmetic reasons?  It was the most hollow feeling I have felt during this entire process.  In fact, I was ready to give up...but I'm glad that I didn't. 

If you remember in my earlier blogs I said that I believe there is a silver lining in every situation...well, I was about to hear from my silver lining!   My surgeon, Dr. Niaz, had referred me back in April to "the best" plastic surgeon downtown Toronto.  I called this PS and was told by the receptionist that the doctor is very busy and I wouldn't be having my consultation until next year some time, hence the reason he is called "the best".  I was devastated, thinking that I would have to wait until next year to even meet with a doctor whom would discuss my options.  It seemed like this was going to be such a long process.  I quickly pushed reconstruction to the back of my mind and focused on getting back on track with life.  Then two weeks ago I received a call on my cell phone that would once again, change my life!  This PS that I was waiting so long to meet, had a cancellation and was able to see me the next day!  I was that excited I couldn't contain myself!  I called Jason and asked him to rearrange his schedule so that he would be able to come with me.  I called the neighbor to see if she could watch the kids when they arrived home from school and I gathered up all my reports from Credit Valley.

Traveling downtown, I was a little nervous and overwhelmed with emotion.  I couldn't believe we were finally going to meet Dr. John Semple!  Since finding out Dr. Semple was the PS I was referred to, I had been researching him on the internet.  He IS the best of the best!!!  He developed and pioneered new surgical techniques in breast restoration. He led a group of scientists, engineers and surgeons in producing new technologies for soft tissue regeneration and reconstruction following cancer surgery.  He is a professor in the department of surgery at the University of Toronto and former president of the Canadian Society of Plastic Surgeons. Now Dr. Semple has been named chair in surgical breast cancer research by the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation – Ontario Region. WOW...could I get any better?  I think not! :)

We met with Dr. Semple and his team and to my surprise, he had high hopes for my reconstruction!  He asked what my hopes were and I told him that I would like to avoid being cut any more.  I was tired of staring at scars and wanted to avoid being out of commission for too long.  "Well, he said, I think you are a perfect candidate for a new procedure that we are doing here at the hospital.  What we do, is liposuction around your abdomen (I'm liking this so far LOL) and inject the fat cells into the radiated area and the stem cells from the "fat grafting" will help to repair the cells that have been radiated, enabling your skin to stretch and then allowing us to insert an expander and then an implant."  Wow...really?  I can get implants at the end of all this, something that I was told would never be possible because I had radiation.  This is so exciting!!!  He has done a number of patients and has had only great results.  Although this is going to be a long process (over a year), I am thrilled that I will be able to get implants and avoid being cut around my abdomen or Latissimus Dorsi muscle.

So, I am just waiting to hear back from Dr. Semple's office regarding, timing, referral to general surgeon to remove other breast and contact information for patients that have already had the procedure done. 

Thank you to everyone who has stuck though all this with me!  This is a new chapter in my life and I am happy to be sharing it with all of you...the good, the bad and the ugly....but in the end...it will be the best!!!

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for all the women, men and children that have to deal with this dreaded disease!

July Update!

Not much new to report! 

I met with my family doctor last week and she checked my incision.  I found another lump but I believe it is from working out and my muscle has popped...or that's what I would like to think.  My doctor also said that it could be scar tissue or a fluid cyst.  She felt it and said that it didn't feel like anything to be concerned about.  She has scheduled me for an ultrasound as well as a mammogram of my other breast.  I am scheduled for July 17th...the day before I leave on vacation.  I am not going to stress over it...I know it's nothing.  I will have a busy day on the 17th...I have Herceptin in the morning and my other tests in the afternoon. 

I am still having some discomfort in my feet, ankles and knees.  I checked with the doctor and she said, as well as my nurse, that the pain is a combination of residual chemo and Tamoxifen.  My nurse said that I may experience this pain for the period of time that I am on Tamoxifen.  Ugh...what a pain in the ass...or feet...whatever! LOL 

I have been really busy with the boys now that they are finished school!  Trips to the library, park and mall...play dates, birthday parties...ugh...a busy summer already!  This week they are both in camp...Keil is in Basketball camp and Cole is in Sports camp.  He wanted to go into Dance camp but they didn't have enough participants for it to go forward.  I'll have to sign him up in the fall.  They are both getting excited to go home to Nova Scotia....they ask me everyday "how many more days till we get on our plane?"  I love that they are excited to get home and see all their cousins and other family.  It's going to be lots of fun and hopefully relaxing!

Not too sure if I will be updating my blog during vacation.  I am staying at my cousins cottage and I don't think they have internet.  I'll do my best...when I get my results from tests, I will definitely let everyone know.

Have a wonderful summer!

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray!

Summer Is Here!!

Well, we are finally at the end of the school year!  One week left and the boys will be able to relax and enjoy the summer...and I won't have to make another lunch box for two months!!  We have lots planned for the summer and we can not wait!  We have all had such a long winter, it is so nice to look forward to the heat of the summer. 

Not much new with me.  I have treatment this Thursday and an appointment with my family doctor next week (July 4).  I made the appointment because I want a second opinion on reconstruction.  So, I am hoping my family doctor can make a referral for me.  Also, I have been working out for the past few months and have developed a "bulge" at my surgery site and I want her to check it....and hopefully tell me it's just my muscle.  I am sure that's all it is, but it's better safe than sorry with anything concerning my chest...or my body for that matter!  So, on to my next update...I have been having a lot of aching in my feet and ankles since I finished treatment.  I called my nurse last week because I am now having aches in my hands and joints...again, not sure if it is from working out.  She told me she would talk to my Oncologist and see if she may want to order a bone scan.  Also, I am waiting for a call to get my mammogram done.  It's been a year and I should have had one scheduled by now.  But, there has been a lot of miscommunication between my Oncologist, Surgeon and family doctor.  I think I have it all sorted out, so should be hearing from the hospital soon on an appointment date.

We are getting excited to be going home for vacation.  The boys and I are going for a month and Jason will be coming for two weeks.  We all need a vacation...time to relax and get away from here and doctors! :)   Although we will miss our friends here, this summer, we are looking forward to spending time with family and friends! 

Like I said in the beginning, not much new with me...just plugging along and trying to stay healthy!

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray!!

What A Year!

It's amazing when you look back on a year and see how far you have come, how many things have changed and how YOU have changed as a person!

It was a year ago today that Jason found a lump in my right breast.  I remember that moment like it was yesterday!  When he brought it to my attention, I cried like a baby.  It was all that I could do! Thinking that cancer has always been a part of my life...like so many others effected by this terrible disease, I was scared to think that it could possibly be happening to me.  I wasn't even 40 yet!  I'm not saying that once you hit 40 you should expect for bad things to happen, but I did think, I am too young for this to be happening to me!  I remember all the thoughts that raced through my mind...is this really going to be cancer, what if I don't survive, how will my boys grow up without me, how will Jason move on without me?  These were all questions that went through my mind as I made the call to my doctor. 

You never expect bad things to happen to you.  You feel bad for the people that have shit luck and you hope that you never have to experience half the things that others do.  But that is not the way that life works!  We all, at some point, will lose a loved one, will be sick and think that you will never get better...but we do, we get better, we get over losing someone..as a race, we are resilient to our environment.  We all know that life goes on and that you just have to pull your boots up and trudge on!  I realize that it is really hard to get past some things in your life, trust me, I have been there more times than I care to note.  But in the end, we all get through it...with love and guidance from loved ones or by just having a good friend to vent to. 

If I look back on my year and you told me that I was going to make it through the other side, stronger, more knowledgeable, more loving and caring, and healthier, I would have thrown my hands up and said, you are crazy!  I could never get through all that!  Trust me, there were days that I wanted to curl up in a ball and just hide until it was all over, but I knew that if I did that, darkness would take over and I would be one lost soul.  I knew that for me and my family, I had to face this head on and tackle it to the ground, kick it to the curb and jump with victory!  Which is what I did! 

I would never wish this past year on my worst enemy, nor would I change a thing....it has made me stronger, more patient, happier, proud and has also reminded me not to take a single day for granted!  Love the people that love you and forget the ones that don't.  For life is way to short to waste any time on things that don't make you happy.

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for all those that let darkness knock and their door.

On The Road To Reconstruction!

The next stop in this journey is reconstruction...and it is a huge part of the recovery process!

As I told you all before, I met with my surgeon last month to discuss a referral to a plastic surgeon for reconstruction and to remove my other breast and reconstruct that as well.  I still haven't heard from the doctor on an appointment.  I thought I would start the process of seriously investigating all my options for surgery.  Wow, there is a lot of information out there...seems like anything is possible!!  But then you talk to other patients who get information from their doctors that tell them, you are limited.  Ugh...not something you want to hear after surviving breast cancer. 

You just want your body back!  You want to feel like a woman again and feel sexy...but why do we put such labels on ourselves?  Society makes such an effort to show us what is "normal", what is "womanly", and what is "sexy"...and in every media forum you will see beautiful women with beautiful breasts.  Whether they are average, big or small.  You don't often see an ad with a woman after breast cancer.  Why is that?  Why do they not chose women that have suffered through this terrible disease?  We should all be celebrating them!! Is it because we are not perfect now...that somehow breast cancer has tarnished us.  We are all women that want to feel "normal", "womanly" and "sexy" again...but is it a breast that will make us feel that way?  It's sad to say, but I think it is.  I think that by having both breasts, you feel better about yourself.  I recently bought a new bra with a prosthesis built in and I haven't taken it off...well, to wash it..but I wear it everyday because it makes me feel better.

I wish that people could accept you for having one breast...but even a breast cancer patient that I met said to me..."I am going into surgery and making them remove both breasts...after seeing you with one just hanging,  I wouldn't feel beautiful".  Made me a little upset, of course it would...my first thought was, so you don't think I am beautiful?  Really...why would someone say that...especially someone that is going through the same thing as you?  You would think that they would use as much compassion with you as you show them.  I just think that some people say things and don't really realize what is coming out of their mouth.  Not that I expect everyone to tip toe around me because they are scared they might say "the wrong thing" and hurt my feelings.  But I do expect you to use "human" judgement when speaking to me.

Anyway, kind of got off track there...sorry! :)  So, back to reconstruction...I contacted my referral doctor's office to see when I could expect my consultation appointment but I haven't heard back from them.  Apparently, I could be waiting 3-4 months before I hear of my appointment date....then another 3 months for the actual appointment and then 3-4 months before surgery.  A long lengthy process but it's a part of this journey where I can make most of the decisions. 

That's about it for now...Herceptin on June 6th...and getting excited to be going home this summer!

Stay positive, be strong and continue to pray! :)

Oh The People You Meet!

Had my appointment today with my Oncologist...this was my follow up after finishing treatment.  I am scheduled to meet with her every 15 weeks.  Seems like a long time, especially when you have tons of questions all the time! LOL

I had my blood work done, met with my Oncologist and had my Herceptin.  It was a long day at the hospital....I kind of forgot what a day at the hospital was like! :)  My doctor was so happy to see me "looking so good!" She even rubbed my head for good luck!  She said that I look better than most people at this point in their treatment.  It was so nice to hear!  She also told me the results from my heart scan last week.  They were great!  I guess all the cardio exercise I am doing is really helping!  All in all, it was a great appointment! 

I had a lot of questions for her and she told me to just go and live my life!  Don't think about the cancer that I had, and don't be focused on what I should or shouldn't be doing!  I told her that I am hearing all kinds of different things from other cancer patients...like, eliminate hormone injected foods, eliminate parabens (such as deodorant)...stay away from sugar....she told me to stop listing to other people and just live my life....enjoy my life!  Those were the best words I have ever heard!  She also said that I am well beyond my way to health and that I am doing awesome!!  I love it!!! 

Before I met with the doctor, I had 1.5 hours to kill.  Instead of going across the road to the mall and doing a little shopping, I chose to stay at the hospital and play games on my phone.  While sitting engrossed in my game of sudoku, I noticed an elderly lady looking in my direction.  I thought, "oh no...hope this isn't someone that is going to sit there for the next hour giving me the sympathetic eye!"   Then she got up and started walking towards me and proceeded to sit down next to me.  We ended up talking for over an hour!  What a fabulous lady!  She immigrated from Germany many years ago at 18.  She was diagnosed with liver cancer and had a tumor that was wrapped around one of her arteries.  She has been going through chemo since last year and her tumor had shrunk but then started to grow again.  She was getting a progress report today. 

We chatted like she was my grandmother and I her daughter!  We laughed, teared up, and shared our stories.  She said to me "I just had to come over here to talk to you...you are so beautiful, your skin is so radiant, your hair is beautiful and thick."  She said that she told her husband, "there is something about that young girl that I just need to talk to her...she looks so friendly and happy!"  Funny, when she first came over to me she asked me where I got my hair done...I told her it was compliments of Credit Valley Hospital! LOL  She thought I was waiting for someone...she said I didn't look like someone going through cancer...I look the picture of health!  WOW....that is totally awesome...because I did go through cancer and I am healthy now...I guess it shows! :)

Anywho....it pays to take a moment to sit and relax...you never know who you might meet!  Oh and her name is Segrite (Sp?) pronounced Secret!  Totally love her...before I left the hospital I popped in to see her getting chemo and she told me her progress report was good...the tumor shrunk again!  Yay for my friend Secret...73 years young and a little trooper!

Next appointment is June 6th for my Herceptin.

Be positive, be strong and please pray for my new friend Secret...I know that's not how you spell it...but that's how you say it! :)

Happy Mother's Day!

Well this is a really hard day for me.  I am trying to be happy for the boys but I can't stop thinking of Mom.  I miss her more everyday and I feel like a little piece of my heart breaks every time I think of her. 

Mom was my best friend!  I often think of her and wish that she was there for me to call.  It has been such a tough year for me and trying to move through it without my Mom was one of the hardest things.  I thought we would travel this journey together...she promised me that she would be there for me after my surgery.  She told me that whenever I felt that I needed to call, she would be there.   But then God took her from me...I guess he thought that she would better serve me from above then here, next to me!  I remember just after my surgery when it was time to take off the bandages and remove some of my staples...I cried so hard at the sight of me...Mom hugged me close and told me it was going to be alright.  She told me that I was still beautiful and that she couldn't imagine her life without me.   Then she said, if God could take me and spare you from all this, I would want that.  God I wish she didn't say that!

Mom was here for me during my surgery and I had her for two weeks after...oh to have those moments back again.  To tell her how much I love her and that I couldn't imagine my life without her.  Little did I know that I would be faced with continuing my life without her.  I would tell her that she didn't need to worry about me, I would be ok.  That I would be strong and get through this...that I would stay positive and fight till I couldn't fight no more. 

I know that Mom is watching over me...that she is loving me and guiding me everyday.  I know that she would be proud of the woman I have become.  I can truly say that I am who I am because of my Mom...seeing her go through so much pain and suffering in her life made me the strong woman that I am today.  Seeing my Dad fight through his illness has made me the fighter that I am today.  I owe my existence to my wonderful parents...they raised me to be all I can be!  I couldn't ask for better parents!

Happy Mother's Day Mom...I love and miss you with all my heart!

If Roses grow in Heaven
Lord, please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

Yikes, It's Been So Long!

I've been reminded by quite a few people that I haven't blogged in quite some time.  So I thought I would sit in a quiet area of the house (which is hard to find these days :) and write a little update!  Wow, I didn't realize how many people I actually touch with my blog!  The emails and text messages have been overwhelming!  I guess I better make it a point to write something, even if I don't think it's worth writing...people want to know...and I love that! :)

I will begin by telling about my appointment with my awesome surgeon, Dr. Niaz!  I met with him for a follow up after radiation...which was a couple of weeks ago.  He was so happy with my progress and made it a point to tell me constantly how well I have been dealing with all of this.  I am not sure how you are supposed to deal with it...but if staying positive, planning the future and laughing about it is considered dealing with it well...then I will have to agree with him...I am dealing with it well! He looked my radiated skin over and was super impressed with how well it looked and felt.  I guess the 3 jars of cream made a huge difference! LOL  I tried hard to put it on three times a day during my radiation.  I think it made all the difference in the world!  

After much discussion, we decided that we would take my other breast during the reconstruction surgery.   I'm really nervous about the reconstruction.  Dr. Niaz feels that I will only be able to have the TRAM surgery or LAT, but after speaking with another Breast Cancer survivor, she told me to wait to see plastics as they may decide differently after seeing my skin.  So, Dr. Niaz has sent through a referral to Sunnybrook Women's Hospital in Toronto.  He said that it will take approximately 3-4 months before I get my consultation and then another 3 months before surgery.  Absolutely crazy to think I could be finished all this in another 6-8 months!!  I am still waiting for the phone call to tell me when my appointment will be.

I am still trying hard to get my weight off...making some progress but it's slow...as anyone in menopause can relate!  I power walk everyday, do Pilates and weight training.  I usually take Sunday off so I don't feel like all I do is exercise.  Since I finished Chemo, I have lost 10lbs...which most of that was steroids and drugs.  I just have to try to get used to a new shape and a new body overall.  It's the toughest part of healing!  Feeling like you are busting your ass to workout and see only slow results.  I guess I should be happy that I am seeing results at all.  Some women that are on Tamoxifen say that they gain between 30 and 50lbs!  I'll keep on truckin'!  LOL

Appointments coming up:
Heart Scan - tomorrow
Herceptin - May 16th
Dermatologist - June 4th (to assess my Rosacea)

Stay positive, be strong and continue to pray for all of the women, men and children that are dealing with this dreadful disease!

What is our purpose?

Do you ever wonder what your purpose in life is?  Do you ever think that you will never find what it might be? 

I just watched an inspiring story on W5.  It was about Spencer West and his drive to use his disability to help raise money to help support sustainable water initiatives in Kenya.  What a dynamic personality!  He lost both his legs when he was 5 and lived his life adjusting to his environment and to the stares from people that didn't understand his plight.  He climbed Mount Kilimanjero, with his two friends, dealing with the elements, with the changes in altitude...fighting breathing issues....yet, it was his friends that got sick from the climb and it was Spencer that coached them on.  When they reached the summit, they collapsed with complete exhaustion but with such pride and joy!  It was so inspiring!

What are we all doing with our lives?  I know I feel at times like I am just living each day like a robot...getting up and having my coffee...getting the kids up and ready for school, cleaning my house, making supper, doing home work, lazing in front of the TV then collapsing in bed....just to wake and do it all over again.  I just feel that after facing the challenges that I did this past year, I should have this life altering ah ha moment!  The last 9 months have been such a blur for me.  Both Jason and I feel that we were just going through the motions...almost like traveling though a fog.  Dealing with what doctors had to say to us, dealing with the side effects...just dealing with things!  But now, I am wondering why I haven't made more of an effort to make crucial changes to my life.  I know it's hard to make changes, but I am almost disappointed with myself for falling back into the same routine that I had prior to my diagnosis.

What was I put on this earth to do?  Was I put here to only be a good wife, loving mother and devoted friend or was I meant to do something more?  There are so many things that I would love to do but I don't feel that I could even attempt them.  I just feel that I should be doing more in the world...more with my life...this precious life that God has given me!  What if God was to take me in the next 5 years...would I be happy with all that I have done...would I have any regrets?  I think I would...I think we all would!  I don't want to leave this world without changing some things, without doing some things and without finding what I was put here for...I know, such a deep question!  Will we ever truly know what God had planned for us, why He gave us life...why He can take it away in an instance.

During my journey, so many people sent me messages using words to describe me...courageous,  inspirational, graceful, strong, amazing...  I wish I could inspire myself...I wish I was strong enough to challenge myself more...I wish I could be happy with what I have and not want more....but I do want more!  More time to find out my purpose, more love to share, more strength to give, more wisdom to pass on to my kids. 

Things I learned this past year...true friends and family will be there for you no matter what.   You CAN be strong when faced with what you thought would be the end of you.  If your feeling down and out...tomorrow is a new day.  There are people dealing with bigger problems then you...And the most important thing I learned this year...that I love my life and I am not any where near leaving!

I know this blog is a little deep and might be confusing, but I know what I am trying to say in my head...just sometimes it's hard to get out in words!

 

A Little Bit of This and That!

Well, I made an appointment with my GP to investigate the pain that I have been having in my upper stomach.  She looked me over and is sending me to a GI Specialist.  She also gave me a prescription for heartburn medication.  She said that you can have heart burn that doesn't necessarily come up your throat, but stays in your stomach region.  I spoke with one of my Chemo nurses yesterday about it and she said if the meds don't help in a week max, to make another appointment and get checked out.

I had my Herceptin yesterday and I had to take the boys with me...their first time seeing me get treatment.  I love my boys!!  They were so good, sitting quietly, asking the nurses what they were doing to me and how things work.  Keil must have asked a million questions while Cole was a little squeamish at the sight of my blood in the needle.  I know that being so young and seeing their mother go through Breast Cancer is not the optimum life experience, but I do think this will shape them to be compassionate and empathetic men when they grow up!

I am sure everyone has been watching the news lately and heard about the Chemo patients that received watered down Chemo.  My first thoughts when I heard this was, "my God, those poor people"...then I realized that this could be me!  (I still don't think of myself as having Cancer)  While at the hospital, I asked my nurses if this could have happened here.  Although it could, it's unlikely because they mix the Chemo there, at my hospital.  They don't order it from an outside source.  This is why my hospital, Credit Valley is one of the top Cancer hospitals in Ontario!  So, looks like all is good with my Chemo administration!!

I am writing this in bed and watching Jason sleep beside me...this man is so awesome!  He has been beside me throughout this whole ordeal and has never once displayed a selfish attitude.  He is always getting me things, asking if I am ok, making sure I have what I need to be comfortable.  We often talk about how this past year has been such a blur for the two of us.  Recently, I put together a list of the trips to the hospital in the past 8 months...it really opened our eyes to what we have been through...brought it into perspective.   When you get married and say your vows, you never think that you will have to deal with the "in sickness or health"...other than, getting a bucket for your partner after a night of partying!  Well, we really lived those vows this past year and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else!

My next appointments are Herceptin on April 26 and my Heart Scan on May 8.  On a side note, my skin is looking much better and healing quite nicely from the radiation burn.  I am still putting my cream on twice a day!  Overall, feeling great! :)

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for those fighting the good fight!

Happy Easter!!

It's been an up and down couple of weeks for me!

During radiation, my skin was doing really well.  The technicians told me every day that it was looking good and that they didn't think I would experience some of the side effects that most people get.  Well, I think they spoke to soon...or I should have knocked on wood or something!  Last weekend my skin began to blister and break!  OUCH!!  It got really red and sensitive as each day passed.  I continued to apply my cream and polysporin to the entire area, hoping that I could maintain and control more blistering.  It did help some but I did get two more large blisters around my scar that opened up the same day.  I made an appointment to see my Radiation Oncologist and Nurse.  They looked at it and told me it looks awesome...WHAT??....looks awesome?   Really?  My nurse told me that on a scale of 1-10...my skin is a "0".  She said that whatever I am doing, keep it up...it looks really good compared to what most people look like.  I can't imagine it being worse, because it really was painful.  I have continued the cream and it is healing nicely and not as sore as it was.  I do see improvements everyday! :)

I've also been experiencing some nausea and pain in my upper stomach, just under my diaphragm.  It seems to happen every day around supper time.  It's not always after I eat or before...it just seems to be that time of day.  The pain and nausea was so bad I took two Gravol and went to bed.   I called my nurse to see what she thought and she suggested that I see my GP and get a referral to a GI Specialist.  I haven't made the appointment yet...will do it the first of the week.  I have noticed that it only happens on the days that I exercise.  I don't know if I may have an ulcer that is getting irritated when I exercise, causing the nausea or what it is. 

One of the hardest things for me now, is when I am not feeling the best or have a pain, my head goes to..."could this be cancer some where else".  It's hard not to think like that!  There are no tests that the doctors do to confirm that you are cancer free.  The government doesn't have a protocol for cancer screening after treatments.  It's absolutely crazy!!  So, I have to live the rest of my life, terrified every time I have an odd symptom!  It just doesn't seem fair!  The only test that I will continue to have is a mammogram and my Liver MRI.  Most times, I can shake the thought from my head (that the cancer might spread)...but that odd time, I worry...which I think is quite common.  I just need to continue to work on making me healthy...physically and mentally!

I have been thinking of Mom a lot lately.   I started purging my house and came across some birthday cards that she sent me...very emotional to see her hand writing and read her words.  I am so glad that I kept them...although it is hard to read them, it's a nice reminder of how much she loved me! :)  Mom spent every Spring purging our house and re-decorating...looks like I am cut from the same cloth! :)

Easter reminds us that hope must never be lost for as dark as the road may seem, there always lies light at the end of it. May all your prayers be fulfilled. May our Lord send his choicest blessings upon you and your family this Easter. Have a Blessed Easter.

Be patient, be strong and continue to pray!

The Finish Line!

...and that's it...all done...finished...the end of treatments!!!  Another emotional day...although there were no tears...just giddy laughing though my entire appointment.  The technicians laughed along with me and told me they never want to see me again...diddo to that! :) 

I arrived at the hospital 45 mins early...not too excited...do ya think? LOL  Luckily, there were no other patients waiting and they were able to take me in right away!  It was overwhelming, hearing them record my measurements for the last time!  I actually knew all my measurements and could recite them to the technicians as they were getting me ready.  I was alone at my appointment and I thought that it would bother me...completing another milestone without someone there to support me...but I actually enjoyed the quiet and it gave me time to think about everything I encountered and overcame during this part of my journey.  Wow, would my Mom and Dad ever be proud!!!  I know they would worry about me the entire process but they would celebrate the end as proud parents. :) 

I left the hospital and arrived home around lunch time and opened my last gift from my good friend Kristine.  What an amazing and thoughtful friend I have!  Every day I opened a gift from her and laughed at some of them...even the boys got into it...asking if I opened my gift for the day and fighting over who would give it to me!  It was a nice distraction from the treatments!  Thank you so much my friend...you are something special! :)  Jason arrived home early with a beautiful card and bamboo plant with congratulation balloons stuck in the pot.  He also picked out a little angel and stuck it in the pot too!  His card was full of words of praise, encouragement and love!  He is amazing...did I ever tell you that? LOL  My in-laws sent me a gift card so that we could go out for dinner to celebrate...and that we did...at my favorite place, The Keg!!  Thanks Mom and Dad! xo  It was a day to remember...full of love, support and happiness!

I received the results from my liver MRI....NO CHANGES....and NO CANCER METASTASIS!!!   Yay for me!!  Follow up again in 3 months with another MRI.  So that's it...no more appointments until April 5 for my Herceptin and then May 8 for my next heart scan!  What in the world am I going to do with no appointments to get to each day....find my new normal life!! 

Next up....reconstruction!  I am going to start making appointments to meet with my surgeon and plastics!  But first, I am going to enjoy a few months with no doctors in my life! :)

Be positive, be strong and thank you for all your prayers!  Love each and every one of you!! :)

ONE...Such A Wonderful Number!!!

I am starting to get very lazy keeping up my blog...only because everyday I am gone to my appointments, running errands and entertaining the boys!  It just means I am full of energy and busy getting back to my life! :) 

ONE....ONE treatment left!!  I am feeling overwhelmed with emotion again!  I can't believe that I made it this far...it seemed almost impossible a few months ago.  I met with my Radiation Oncologist for the last time yesterday!  I told him I never want to see him in my lifetime again! :)  Not sure if he was offended or not...seriously...he wasn't and was very excited for me to be finished.  Did I ever mention, I have the best team of doctors and nurses in the world!  I appreciate everything they have done for me...and continue to do for me!  Dr. Yuen said that my skin looks fabulous and that he is quite happy with how I tolerated the radiation...I am quite happy and proud of myself too!  My skin is really red now and discolored from the treatments.  It's kind of like a sunburn...a bad sunburn!  Under my arm is quite sensitive from the friction of moving my arm...but I am putting cream on it constantly and treating it like a baby's bottom :)

I had my liver MRI a week ago and I haven't received my results yet...I will stop by to see my nurse on Monday to see if she has them.  I figure no news is good news! :)  I am quite confident that nothing has changed since September and all will be good!  I am scheduled for another heart scan on May 8th.  My last scan showed an ejection rate of 60%...lets hope that hasn't change either! 

Had my Herceptin treatment yesterday.  It is such a breeze compared to what I used to sit in that chair for!  I am happy, upbeat and chatting with everyone...but feeling sorry for the newbies that are coming in...blind to what is about to happen.  I remember how scared I was that first day and how I cried when they tried to access my port!  Looking back, I was so weak emotionally and mentally.  Now, I am so much stronger, braver and healthier!  When the nurse accesses my port now, I take a deep breath and hardly flinch!  I still don't like it, but it's much easier now.  I just wish I could tell all those newbies that it will get easier...you just have to stay positive and have faith...in the nurses, doctors and treatments!  I had my nurse telling me that on the first day and it made a world of difference.  I can see at the end of all this that I will likely volunteer at the hospital...even if I can help one patient get through this, I will feel like I did something! 

Well, I hope everyone enjoyed their March Break!  We certainly stayed busy...Fantasy Fair, Play dates, Chuck-E-Cheese, and a movie date!  I don't know about the boys but I am exhausted!!  I couldn't have made it through this week without the help from my good friends Jo and Patrick!  They took the kids so that I could go to my treatments...while they were busy packing their house up.  They will be moving in June and I am going to miss them immensely!  They have certainly gone over and above, helping us out during the past 8 months!  ...and now, Jo has agreed to help me get back in shape and train for the Breast Cancer run in October...we are going to run it together...don't know if she knows that yet! ;)

I will post again on Monday or Tuesday, after my LAST TREATMENT!!!!!

Be positive, be strong and prayers to all the newbies that need support and love!

Research, Research!!

Still going to radiation everyday.  I have 8 treatments left and that's it!  Finished of, what I considered the hardest part of my treatment plan, Chemo and Radiation!!  Still have a long road...10 months of Herceptin every three weeks...5 years of Tamoxifen...and the biggest of all...reconstruction! 

I have been doing a lot of research lately on reconstruction.  There are so many options and possible outcomes.  Also, because I am having radiation, my options are limited to TRAM (they remove skin, fat and muscle tissue from my abdomen), DIEP (they use only the skin and fat from my abdomen) and Latissimus dorsi flap (they remove skin, fat and muscle from my back).  They can also do a GAP procedure, which takes skin, fat and muscle from my butt!  Which I would consider if I had a butt!! LOL   But after reading, there is a new procedure that is called BRAVA and fat grafting.  It allows women to recover their natural breasts without another surgery and with the enormous benefit of near-normal sensation in their new breasts and nipples.  The only problem is, I can only find places in the USA that do this procedure.  My hope was to get expanders and then implants.  The plastic surgeon places an expander just under your chest wall and injects it weekly/biweekly with fluid to help expand the chest wall to make room for the implant.  Unfortunately, due to the radiation, which leaves my skin very thin with little elasticity, my skin can't accommodate an implant.  So, now I plan to do more research on the fat grafting procedure and hopefully find a surgeon in Canada that performs it. 

Nothing much new...my skin is holding up with the radiation.  I am only experiencing burning (similar to a bad sun burn) and tightness.  I have a liver MRI this Friday.  The doctors are keeping an eye on the spots that were found on my liver.  Last testing, done in September showed cysts and hemangioma's on my liver.  The doctors want to watch these lesions to ensure they are nothing more than "cysts and hemangioma's."  So, busy day on Friday...have to be at the hospital for 8:30am...prep for MRI at 9:15am...then radiation at 10:45am. 

Be positive, be strong and pray for all those women and men fighting the big C!!

Half Way There!!

Sorry for not writing in so long! 

Well I am half way there!  Finished treatment #13 and tomorrow will be the end of week 3!  It is going by so fast!!  I can't believe I only have two weeks left!!

Most of my appointments are in the mid morning which really frigs up my day.  I get the kids off to school and then get ready to head to the hospital.  By the time I get through my treatment and back home, it's early afternoon.  Doesn't leave me much time to do anything else...other than tidy the house, do the laundry and prepare for supper.  I don't mind at all...I feel great and feel like this makes my life a little more "normal".

The treatments are starting to take their toll on my body.  My chest is getting burned and I am feeling a bit tired.  I put the recommended cream on my burn three or four times a day, hoping that it won't get too bad.  The technician told me today that if the skin opens, then they will have to give me a prescription cream.  Praying that it doesn't come to that, as it may interfere with my treatment schedule.  If everything goes smoothly from today, I will be finished on March 18th!  I am so looking forward to sounding the radiation horn!!  Yes, they have a horn for you to squeeze on your way out...another emotional day in my journey! :)

Started the Tamoxifen pills last week and holy hannah...this menopause thing is for the birds!  Night sweats, hot flashes, mood swings, etc...are driving me nuts!  Could explain why I am not sleeping through the night!  Feels like I am waking up every 1/2 hour, kicking the blankets off only to put them back on a minute later...ugh, and to think I will go through this twice in my life!

Been thinking of my Mom a lot lately and missing her like crazy! She would be so proud of me!  I am starting to see how strong and positive I have been for the past 8 months.  I feel, to some degree that seeing my Mom go though all the shit that she had to go through, has made me deal with my own journey in a more courageous and brave way.  Mom had to watch her husband suffer with excruciating headaches, unstoppable nose bleeds and seizures...and then deteriorate from a strong, "healthy looking" man to an unresponsive, vulnerable, child like man.  She had to stand by idle, watching my little sister fight her way though leukemia at the age of 2.  How could a woman go through all that and not be strong and courageous?  Well, that's what Mom was to me...strong, courageous, graceful, warrior...all words that have now been used to describe me.  I am starting to believe I am more like my mother than I thought!  ...and I am honored! :) 

All of you that read my blog and for the others that comment on my Facebook page, I hope you never have to experience what I have experienced in the past 8 months...but if you do, I hope you have someone in your life that can teach you the qualities required to make it though!  Thanks Mom and Dad for teaching me to be loving, compassionate, strong, courageous, graceful and a fighter, for without that, I wouldn't be the woman I am today!  If your Mom and Dad are still here in the physical world, give them an extra big hug...for you never know what tomorrow will bring!

I AM positive, I AM strong and I WILL beat this!  Please continue to pray for me!

Happy Family Day!!

Week one is down and only 4 more to go!

Last week went well!  My skin is a little sensitive and I get the odd pain shoot through my arm or side but other than that, I am feeling really good!  On Friday, I met with Dr. Yeun (my Radiation Oncologist) just to discuss my week and to also let him know how I was feeling and if I had any questions.  It was my first appointment with him since starting radiation.  I wasn't really prepared for the appointment...because I didn't really know what to expect.  So my only questions for him were..."should I be worried about other organs being touched by the radiation?"  and "how big of an area are you radiating?"  As for the organs being effected...the top of my lungs are being hit...but really, a small amount and my thyroid is being hit by about 13%.  He told me if I experience side effects with my thyroid, to contact my family doctor.  So now I am going to have to look up information on the thyroid...especially after receiving radiation.  The area that is being radiated extends much larger than the points of my tattoos.  It extends over my shoulder and down my back, under my arm and down my side and from where my breast would be down to the bottom of my rib cage.  Quite a big area that I have to cream up three to four times a day!  Otherwise, he is quite happy with how things are going and reassures me that "it will be over before you know it!"

This week is a short week for my Radiation because they are not open today.  Friday will be a long day as I will meet with Dr.Yeun again, then go to Chemo to receive my Herceptin infusion, then to radiation to receive my treatment.  I basically feel like myself again and have been going to all my treatments by myself.  I figure I will go as long as I can by myself and then call on friends and Jason when and if I need to.  So far so good! :)

Update on the lady that was talking about me and wouldn't stop staring at me....she was there again on Friday but arrived after me.  I was sitting quietly reading my book when she arrived with her daughter.  I looked up from my book when they arrived and she gave me a sympathetic smile...tilting her head and all!  She sat a few chairs away and continued to stare at me until my name was called...it's kind of getting creepy!  She once again discussed with her daughter how young I was and how hard it must be for me...and why am I all alone!  I swear she thinks I am deaf!  I am starting to menopause...which includes mood swings so she should watch herself...I may have to take her out one of these days! LOL

So yes, I am starting menopause!  I haven't had a period since early December...so the Chemo kind of started the process and now the Tamoxifen is finishing it off!  I started the Tamoxifen today.  Tamoxifen will be taken for 5 years because I am Estrogen and Progesterone positive.  It will block the receptors for both these hormones.  These hormones "feed" my type of cancer so the Tamoxifen will block them...and send messages to the receptors to change.  Here is a "medical" explanation of what the hormone therapy does...

The hormones estrogen and progesterone can stimulate the growth of some breast cancers. Hormone therapy is used to stop or slow the growth of these tumors.  Hormone therapy is used to treat both early and advanced breast cancer, and to prevent breast cancer in women who are at high risk of developing the disease.  Hormone-sensitive breast cancer cells contain proteins known as hormone receptors that become activated when hormones bind to them. The activated receptors cause changes in the expression of specific genes, which can lead to the stimulation of cell growth.  Hormone therapy (also called hormonal therapy, hormone treatment, or endocrine therapy) slows or stops the growth of hormone-sensitive tumors by blocking the body’s ability to produce hormones or by interfering with hormone action. 

So...this is what the Tamoxifen does...which puts me into early menopause.  I am already having night sweats and some other symptoms of menopause...that I don't care to mention...and I am sure you don't care to hear! :)  But hey...if it means that my chances of getting cancer again are decreased, then I will deal with it!  Hopefully the symptoms will only last for 6 months or a year!

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for me!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Let me start by saying...Love and appreciate the one your with!  You never know when you will have to surrender your being to them...and let them take care of you!  They will be the one that will be beside you for eternity and will love you through the worst of times...holding your hand, rubbing your back, catering to your every need and sharing with you their future plans for the two of you!  This is every thing that Jason means to me!  He is my light, my love and my soul mate!  He has walked with me though this journey and has always stood beside me...walking slow when I needed it and pushing me when I thought I couldn't go on!  I love him so much and can't imagine...no I don't want to imagine my life without him!  So please, give your special someone the extra hug and kiss that they deserve!!

Radiation is going well!  The nurses were right...it's a walk in the park compared to what I have been through!  I am starting to feel some effects after just three treatments.  I am tired (which could be because I am not sleeping well) and my chest is tight and skin is sensitive to touch.  These are normal side effects but I was hoping they wouldn't appear until I was well into my treatment plan.  Oh well, I can handle it! 

My treatments usually take about 2 hours...from the time I leave home and get back!  Everyday, the technicians have been 30 mins behind schedule so it puts a real delay on things!  Once in the room, I am only there for 10-15 mins...most of the time being spent on setting me up!  I actually don't mind going for my appointments.  It's very quiet in the waiting area...a fireplace is going and I get to sit, relax and read my book!  Kind of a nice break from life...other than hearing the odd person complain about their situation. 

I understand that some people need to hear other people sympathize with them...but when it's the same people everyday, complaining about the same thing....my goodness, enough already!  We are all going through this cancer thing and yes it's rough...and of course we wish we weren't going through it...but guess what?...we have it, we are being treated for it and most of us are dealing with it....so suck it up!  Yesterday, I had this women staring at me constantly and giving me the sympathetic eye...it was driving me crazy!  Then she had the nerve to discuss ME with the lady sitting next to her...did she think that cancer made me deaf?..."oh that poor little thing"..."she is so young"..."she looks cute in her hat"..."she must have had chemo because she lost her hair and eyebrows"...really?...do you think you can keep your comments to yourself?...really, I am fine with this...God dealt me this hand and I am going to play it out!  I am playing it out and I am WINNING!!  That is my rant for the day!

I got my heart scan results yesterday and good news...my ejection rate is 60%...which is down a little from my last (which was 67% and my first scan being 65%) but the nurse said it is still really good!  So looks like my body is tolerating the Herceptin well, which is wonderful news because I really need this drug!  All is good!  Yay!!

Enjoy your day everyone!

Be positive, be strong, and continue to pray for the people that need it most! :)

1 Down...24 to Go!

Today was my first radiation treatment!  I arrived 1/2 early and they were running behind 1/2 hour...thank goodness I brought my Kobo!  One of the hospital volunteers met me at the front desk after I registered.  She was very nice and I think a little taken back when she called my name and she saw how young I was.  She took me on a quick tour and guided me as to what I was supposed to do each day when I came in.  She also gave me my appointment times for the rest of the week.  She gave me that sympathetic look...the "Oh my goodness, I can't believe someone your age has to go through this" and told me if I had any questions to let her know.  Everyone at the hospital has been so caring, compassionate and so helpful!  Credit Valley Hospital is an awesome hospital!

My Radiologist technician finally came out to get me and quickly took me in and explained what they would be doing.  He also introduced me to the rest of the team...Annie and Rauz.  They were great!  Annie did all the set up...measuring, shifting me, and explaining all of the procedure.  Rauz did all the computer input and confirmed all of Annie's measurements.  My goodness, there is a lot of technical jargon and precise maneuvering going on when you are lying on the table!  So, once they had me set up to the right positioning, they applied a jelly skin to my skin.  Apparently, by applying this pad it "tricks" the radiation into thinking that my skin is thicker than it really is and will apply the radiation beam to my skin without going too deep.  Annie explained it like this..."since you had a mastectomy, the jelly skin will help to bring the radiation beam closer to the surface of my skin".   She also told me to make sure that I apply the recommended cream to the radiated area at least 3 times per day (but not 2 hours before treatments as it could interfere with the treatment) and to drink lots of water....hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

So, the beginning of this phase has started and I have 5 weeks left!  Ugh...I hope it goes by fast!!  One good thing, the Radiation Unit is beautiful and quiet!  I am sure by the end of my 5 weeks I will have a different opinion! LOL 

Started working out today...taking it slow!  Walked on the treadmill for 1/2 hour and I feel a little embarrassed to say that I am really feeling it!  I guess sitting on your ass all winter will do that to ya! :)  I figure I have 20 lbs to lose (already lost 7lbs...all water retention I am sure)...yes, I gained 27lbs throughout this journey and the Tamoxifen may put even more on.  So I figured I better start now...just in case it takes me a year!  Man, at the rate I was going today on the treadmill...it's going to take me a few years...baby steps....baby, baby steps!

Treatment #2 tomorrow at 12:00pm!

Be positive, be strong and pray for all of us going through this journey!  There are more than you know! :(

Heart Scan!

Well I hope that everyone was able to braved the storm yesterday!  I know that my Nova Scotia family are getting dumped on today.  I hope that everyone stays safe! 

Jason decided to stay home yesterday, rather than sit in 2 hours of traffic!  I am glad that he stayed home because the boys had a PA day (which I found out about on Thursday night) and I had my heart scan.  I wasn't sure if we were going to be able to get out to make it to the hospital...I guess that is the benefit of having a 4 wheel drive truck...you can make it out in anything!  It was a long drive down, cars were off the road and buses were stuck in intersections.  But we finally made it and registered...only to sit an wait for 45 mins before someone came and prepped me.  Then I went to the Cardiopulmonary unit and they had to prep me again with the radio active material that they inject for the scan.  After my injection, I had to wait another 45 mins for my scan.  Jason was able to come in and sit while I was on the table having my scan but he didn't talk to me...in fact, he almost fell asleep from the sound of the machine.  So much for having company! LOL  So, the scan is done and I should be getting results next week.

Monday I start my 5 weeks of Radiation.  I am excited to start but a little apprehensive as well!  I have been feeling really good the past couple of days and I am worried that the Radiation is going to make me feel like shit again!  When talking with the Radiation Tech, she told me that most Breast Cancer patients only experience mild fatigue, diarrhea and a bad sunburn (which is accumulative).  If that's all it is, I can handle it!  I am also worried about the amount of Radiation my body is getting...worried about my other organs and the possibility of getting cancer from this, later on in life.  They say the risk of getting cancer later in life is minimal compared to if I was to refuse Radiation now...and possibly have cancer cells floating around in my body.  So the decision was easy...have Radiation now and deal with what may or may not come later in life!  If it means that I have an extra 30 or 40 years now...I'll take it!

Be positive, be strong and pray for all those people fighting the good fight!

Call To The Nurse!

Well, I made the call to my Oncologist Nurse yesterday and reviewed all my symptoms with her and she feels that these are all side effects from my Chemo.  I did discuss with her my findings on the Breast Cancer Website and the possibility that I was experiencing side effects from the Herceptin and she assured me that it was all from the Chemo and that I would experience these side effects for at least another couple of months.  Geeze, this stuff really lingers for a long time in your body...which, if it's killing the bad stuff, I don't care how long it's in my body...I'll gladly deal with the side effects!

I am feeling better...my energy is coming back, which I thought would never happen!  I am still a bit short of breath, still have the dry cough and still have the swelling (which comes and goes).  I can tell that every day I am a little bit better!  I have my heart scan on Friday and I am hoping that it will turn out to be a good result so that I can continue the Herceptin.  I will also know for sure that these symptoms are in fact from the Chemo and will eventually go away. 

I can't believe that this time next week, I will be into my radiation!  I am getting excited to start this next phase of treatment.  It just means that I am one step closer to getting my life back!!  I am already thinking about the summer and what plans we can make as a family!  I get excited thinking about going back home and spending time with the people we love.  The people that have supported us through this journey!  We are also hoping to do a little camping, take a trip to Niagara, and maybe doing a weekend trip to the States.  Jason and I are also hoping to take a weekend and get away...just the two of us!  We, as a family, have all sacrificed so much over the past year.  The boys have made the most sacrifices...not being able to go on play dates, not being able to go to birthday parties, not being able to celebrate their own birthdays with their friends...it's just been a tough year for them and I want to make sure that this year is extra special for them!  Both Jason and I have made sacrifices as well...Jason especially...he has stopped playing hockey, which is a sport that he loves, he has turned down invites to go out for drinks with friends...all to take care of me!  So, needless to say, we really need to spoil ourselves this year and do the things that we want to do!

Do what you want to do, enjoy life and love one another...you never know when your life could take an unexpected detour!

Herceptin Is My New Nemesis!

Holy crow...I am thinking that my body doesn't like Herceptin!  Friday was my first treatment of Herceptin without Chemo and my ankles are not liking it at all!  Either that, or my body is still fighting whatever virus I had (or did I have?) and this is a side effect of the antibiotics.  Ugh...this is not pretty at all!  I swear to God, if Jason sticks around after seeing all these ugly changes to my body...he is definitely in love with "me" and not how I look!  Poor guy...don't think he bargained for this!  We just laugh at it all, together!!  He figures he has some sympathy weight on so we can motivate each other to getting the weight off and getting healthy!

Any who...I guess I will be making a call to the doctor tomorrow because I do believe I am having a strong reaction to the Herceptin.  My symptoms are shortness of breath, fast heart beat, cough and now swelling of the feet!  This is what I found on the Breast Cancer Website...."Notify your doctor immediately or go to the nearest emergency room if you're taking Herceptin and you develop any symptoms of heart failure, such as shortness of breath, difficulty breathing, a fast or irregular heartbeat, increased cough, and swelling of the feet or lower legs."  Now, given the fact that my mother died from a heart attack...I don't want to mess with this...wouldn't that be something...survived Breast Cancer but died from heart failure due to a drug that was supposed to add years to my life!  Yup...not messing with this!!!  So, looks like I might be heading to the hospital again tomorrow!  This is getting ridiculous...they should just keep an open room for me...equipped with my own Lab Tech, MRI machine, CT machine and X-ray machine!  I have a heart scan scheduled for Friday, but I don't want to wait until Friday...a lot can happen between now and then!

I will update on my phone conversation tomorrow with my doctor.  She better not brush it off...or she will have one nasty patient standing at her office door!

Be positive, be strong and send a little prayer!