Monday, 13 August 2012
RIP MOM!!!
Very hard day for me today. We are heading back to Nova Scotia...my mother passed away suddenly last evening. I will not be writing on my blog until I am ready.
Saturday, 11 August 2012
A Friend for Life!
First off!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my wonderful Husband!! Jason is turning the BIG 40 today! Was planning to have a big party for him with cake, presents and friends but since the past couple of months have been a blur, I couldn't plan anything! After all this is over, I am going to have a BIG party...it will be a birthday/survivor party!
Yesterday was a very long day for me. I had to be at Credit Valley Hospital for 7:15 am. Got up at 5:30 and had my bird bath (yes, still may have a strange scent that I apologize for)....since that takes me close to 1/2 hour, I figured I should be up nice and early. Also, because I am now driving (yes people...stay off the roads), I left the house by 6:15 so that I could get a good parking spot. One that I wouldn't have to back into or maneuver around cars. I had my injection at 7:15 and had to wait around the hospital until 11:00. Finally got out around 12:15pm!
I had my Bone Scan yesterday. They are doing a couple of tests to ensure that the cancer did not spread. I guess the first places it will go is my liver and my bones. A bit scary...but not really. I have this gut and heartfelt feeling that I am really going to be ok. I never once thought that it had spread so since that was my first instinct, that is the way it will be. None of these tests really hurt...just uncomfortable. The ultrasound was uncomfortable because the tech had to maneuver around my bandages. The bone scan was a bit uncomfortable because I had to lie completely still and had to drink lots of fluids before...so my bladder kept filling up on the table. I think the technician was getting a little pissed that I had to keep going to the bathroom. Geeze, if you don't want me going to the bathroom then don't tell me to drink so much!!
Monday, my Mother-in-law will be heading back home and my best friend from childhood will be coming to spend a week with me! I am so excited to see her! Her name is Cara and she is my bestest friend! When I told her I had cancer, she did not hesitate at all to plan her trip up here to help out! I told her the other night that the chances of me having Chemo were very high and since she is a hairstylist too, I told her that I wanted her to cut my hair off while she was here. This is what type of a friend she is....she told me she was cutting off her long hair too if I need to cut mine! She has two daughters and the oldest said "mom, I don't know if I could do that" and her youngest said "it's her best friend Madison, of course she will do it"! I think she is crazy! Why would you cut all your hair off, just because I am going to be bald? I guess when you really love someone and they have been a part of your life since you were 8, you would do anything! I just hope I am as good a friend to her as she is to me!
Anyway, now that I am sitting here crying my eyes out, I will end my rant for the day!
Be strong, be positive and please continue to pray for me!
Yesterday was a very long day for me. I had to be at Credit Valley Hospital for 7:15 am. Got up at 5:30 and had my bird bath (yes, still may have a strange scent that I apologize for)....since that takes me close to 1/2 hour, I figured I should be up nice and early. Also, because I am now driving (yes people...stay off the roads), I left the house by 6:15 so that I could get a good parking spot. One that I wouldn't have to back into or maneuver around cars. I had my injection at 7:15 and had to wait around the hospital until 11:00. Finally got out around 12:15pm!
I had my Bone Scan yesterday. They are doing a couple of tests to ensure that the cancer did not spread. I guess the first places it will go is my liver and my bones. A bit scary...but not really. I have this gut and heartfelt feeling that I am really going to be ok. I never once thought that it had spread so since that was my first instinct, that is the way it will be. None of these tests really hurt...just uncomfortable. The ultrasound was uncomfortable because the tech had to maneuver around my bandages. The bone scan was a bit uncomfortable because I had to lie completely still and had to drink lots of fluids before...so my bladder kept filling up on the table. I think the technician was getting a little pissed that I had to keep going to the bathroom. Geeze, if you don't want me going to the bathroom then don't tell me to drink so much!!
Monday, my Mother-in-law will be heading back home and my best friend from childhood will be coming to spend a week with me! I am so excited to see her! Her name is Cara and she is my bestest friend! When I told her I had cancer, she did not hesitate at all to plan her trip up here to help out! I told her the other night that the chances of me having Chemo were very high and since she is a hairstylist too, I told her that I wanted her to cut my hair off while she was here. This is what type of a friend she is....she told me she was cutting off her long hair too if I need to cut mine! She has two daughters and the oldest said "mom, I don't know if I could do that" and her youngest said "it's her best friend Madison, of course she will do it"! I think she is crazy! Why would you cut all your hair off, just because I am going to be bald? I guess when you really love someone and they have been a part of your life since you were 8, you would do anything! I just hope I am as good a friend to her as she is to me!
Anyway, now that I am sitting here crying my eyes out, I will end my rant for the day!
Be strong, be positive and please continue to pray for me!
Thursday, 9 August 2012
Stronger!!!
I have been getting quite a few requests to post something again and I guess it is time! Either everyone is bored or they just love my creative humor! LOL Sorry I haven't been writing but I have had a busy couple of days.
Tuesday was a great day for me! Had my final drainage tube removed and half of my staples...I feel like I am being freed every time something new like that happens. :) The drainage tube hurt like hell coming out...I think because it was in there so long but the staples, I couldn't feel a thing. But that is probably due to the fact that I am still numb and tingling! The nurse is coming back on Saturday to take out the remainder of the staples! Woohoo!!! I made it!
Hard to believe it's been almost two weeks since my surgery! I feel like I have come so far since then. Well, I have come so far since finding all this out! I look and feel surprisingly well! Anyone that sees me, says that I don't look any different (well, except for the void on my chest). But really, who would say...man, you look like shit! I think I look good...lost a little bit of weight...but again, that may be due to the 3-5 lbs that they took off my chest! LOL I wonder how much a boob actually weighs? Huh...just a thought!
I had a liver ultrasound today which was a bit difficult because I still have bandages on and the wound left from the drainage tube is still raw and open. But, the radiologist/technician was able to see the whole liver and confirm that I still have the hemagioma on it (which was found 4+ years ago). She said that my liver "looked good". Now that might be coming from a technician in the breast clinic and I still have to wait for the final word from my doctor...but her words are good enough for me! I have a bone scan scheduled for tomorrow morning. Not looking forward to that but it's only a few hours and then it will be over!
My brother-in-law and his family were down for a visit yesterday. They spent the day in the pool and kept the kids busy. Trevor mowed the lawn for us while Julie watched the kids in the pool. I don't know what I am going to do when all this help wines down. Jason's mom is still here and is a great help...she is my personal chef! Nothing better than a mother's cooking!!
Anyway, I feel great...in my opinion, look great and feel stronger everyday! Once again, thank you for all your well wishes and prayers...they are all noted and greatly appreciated!
Be strong, be positive and keep praying for me please! :)
Tuesday was a great day for me! Had my final drainage tube removed and half of my staples...I feel like I am being freed every time something new like that happens. :) The drainage tube hurt like hell coming out...I think because it was in there so long but the staples, I couldn't feel a thing. But that is probably due to the fact that I am still numb and tingling! The nurse is coming back on Saturday to take out the remainder of the staples! Woohoo!!! I made it!
Hard to believe it's been almost two weeks since my surgery! I feel like I have come so far since then. Well, I have come so far since finding all this out! I look and feel surprisingly well! Anyone that sees me, says that I don't look any different (well, except for the void on my chest). But really, who would say...man, you look like shit! I think I look good...lost a little bit of weight...but again, that may be due to the 3-5 lbs that they took off my chest! LOL I wonder how much a boob actually weighs? Huh...just a thought!
I had a liver ultrasound today which was a bit difficult because I still have bandages on and the wound left from the drainage tube is still raw and open. But, the radiologist/technician was able to see the whole liver and confirm that I still have the hemagioma on it (which was found 4+ years ago). She said that my liver "looked good". Now that might be coming from a technician in the breast clinic and I still have to wait for the final word from my doctor...but her words are good enough for me! I have a bone scan scheduled for tomorrow morning. Not looking forward to that but it's only a few hours and then it will be over!
My brother-in-law and his family were down for a visit yesterday. They spent the day in the pool and kept the kids busy. Trevor mowed the lawn for us while Julie watched the kids in the pool. I don't know what I am going to do when all this help wines down. Jason's mom is still here and is a great help...she is my personal chef! Nothing better than a mother's cooking!!
Anyway, I feel great...in my opinion, look great and feel stronger everyday! Once again, thank you for all your well wishes and prayers...they are all noted and greatly appreciated!
Be strong, be positive and keep praying for me please! :)
Sunday, 5 August 2012
Scent Of A Woman! LOL
I had a big day yesterday and an emotional one too! I woke up and had my first day of real emotion that I just couldn't control. I would just start crying for no reason. I was fine for the afternoon but as we got close to taking Mom to the airport, I would feel my eyes tear up.
The nurses came and took out my first drain. It was the most painful/uncomfortable feeling ever! Then when I actually saw what they took out of me, I almost threw up! It was about 6-8" long and was about 1" wide. It was actually a relief to get it out. Kind of felt like child birth when you feel the pain and then the shoulders finally pass and the rest just slides out. Well, that's what it felt like...well not as bad a child birth but pretty close to it!
You would think that after all I have been through so far, pain of any kind would be just numbness to me. But I am a wimp...I do not lie! Pain is not my friend at all....I just don't tolerate it well. That's what I told the nurse, "you would think that compared to having my chest cut open, having the drain out would be simple...but no, I have to cry!" I am such a baby! Even when she was cutting the suture, I freaked. The skin was starting to grow over it so there was a lot of pinching and pulling to get it cut out. Tuesday I get my other drain out and half of my staples....that should be an interesting day! Pain meds please!!
So Mom flew out last night...and if you live close to me you know that we had a wicked storm that just came out of no where! Poor Mom! She is a basket of nerves anyway when she flies and then to throw a storm on top of it...and flying alone...I am sure she smoked a carton of cigarettes when she landed in Moncton! She won't be coming back this way anytime soon...unless Alan drives her here! She hates to fly...period! I will wait until later to call her...give her time to adjust to finally getting home after a long night!
Today, not sure what we have planned. Jason has been trying to get me out for obvious reasons...cabin fever is starting to set in! He wanted to take me to Chapters the other night to return a book that I was given (I got a kobo reader so wanted a gift card to buy my next books). Well, we laughed that hard! We took about an hour trying to make it not look like I wasn't trying to smuggle something! You see, the drains are quite large under my shirt and it seriously looks like I am trying to steal something. It was 30+ outside and he was trying to get me to wear another t-shirt or a jacket or a baggy sweat shirt! It was quite an ordeal for 5 minutes in the store! But we laughed and that has always been said to be the best medicine!
I am feeling good today...a little bit of discomfort with bandages pulling but overall, I feel good. We should go to church today but don't know if I can bring myself to go. Not because I don't want to but because I don't want to knock anyone over with my scent! LOL This "bird bath" faze is getting old! So, if I do go to church, I apologize now for possibly turning you off your lunch later today! :) Just kidding...I'm sure it's not that bad! ;)
Anyway, I feel like I could write forever today but I am sure you all have more important things to do than read about my day!
Be positive, stay strong and pray for me! :)
The nurses came and took out my first drain. It was the most painful/uncomfortable feeling ever! Then when I actually saw what they took out of me, I almost threw up! It was about 6-8" long and was about 1" wide. It was actually a relief to get it out. Kind of felt like child birth when you feel the pain and then the shoulders finally pass and the rest just slides out. Well, that's what it felt like...well not as bad a child birth but pretty close to it!
You would think that after all I have been through so far, pain of any kind would be just numbness to me. But I am a wimp...I do not lie! Pain is not my friend at all....I just don't tolerate it well. That's what I told the nurse, "you would think that compared to having my chest cut open, having the drain out would be simple...but no, I have to cry!" I am such a baby! Even when she was cutting the suture, I freaked. The skin was starting to grow over it so there was a lot of pinching and pulling to get it cut out. Tuesday I get my other drain out and half of my staples....that should be an interesting day! Pain meds please!!
So Mom flew out last night...and if you live close to me you know that we had a wicked storm that just came out of no where! Poor Mom! She is a basket of nerves anyway when she flies and then to throw a storm on top of it...and flying alone...I am sure she smoked a carton of cigarettes when she landed in Moncton! She won't be coming back this way anytime soon...unless Alan drives her here! She hates to fly...period! I will wait until later to call her...give her time to adjust to finally getting home after a long night!
Today, not sure what we have planned. Jason has been trying to get me out for obvious reasons...cabin fever is starting to set in! He wanted to take me to Chapters the other night to return a book that I was given (I got a kobo reader so wanted a gift card to buy my next books). Well, we laughed that hard! We took about an hour trying to make it not look like I wasn't trying to smuggle something! You see, the drains are quite large under my shirt and it seriously looks like I am trying to steal something. It was 30+ outside and he was trying to get me to wear another t-shirt or a jacket or a baggy sweat shirt! It was quite an ordeal for 5 minutes in the store! But we laughed and that has always been said to be the best medicine!
I am feeling good today...a little bit of discomfort with bandages pulling but overall, I feel good. We should go to church today but don't know if I can bring myself to go. Not because I don't want to but because I don't want to knock anyone over with my scent! LOL This "bird bath" faze is getting old! So, if I do go to church, I apologize now for possibly turning you off your lunch later today! :) Just kidding...I'm sure it's not that bad! ;)
Anyway, I feel like I could write forever today but I am sure you all have more important things to do than read about my day!
Be positive, stay strong and pray for me! :)
Friday, 3 August 2012
Unsightly!
So, the nurse was here two days ago and removed my bandages. I didn't write about it because I wasn't really sure how I felt about it. I asked her to cover over the wound again with bandages because I didn't want to have to look at it. Today with the heat and my sweating, the bandage is falling off and I can't help but look at the unsightly cut I have across my chest. It's so ugly and unimaginable!
When the nurse looked at it, she said it looked really good and I had a really good surgeon. He made a really straight line and the staples look so good and uniform. She said it will help with the reconstruction later. How can something so ugly look so good? I guess it just means that I wasn't butchered! So, in the grand scheme, I guess straight lines and uniform staples mean good things.
Will I ever get used to looking at it? Will I ever get used to the numbness that I feel in my arm and chest? I know that over time, these things will seem so small and trivial but right now, they mean a lot to me. One week ago today my physical being changed forever. My chest was cut open and I am left with a long line that is ugly. Ugly...NO! It is a symbol that shows strength, courage, fight...all the qualities that I now have.
When I was taken into the operating room last Friday I was scared, weak, and unsure of what my life would be like. Well, now I see what my life will be like! I am still scared but ready to fight the biggest fight of my life. Fight this beast that is Cancer and live for my children, my husband, my family and for me!!
When the nurse looked at it, she said it looked really good and I had a really good surgeon. He made a really straight line and the staples look so good and uniform. She said it will help with the reconstruction later. How can something so ugly look so good? I guess it just means that I wasn't butchered! So, in the grand scheme, I guess straight lines and uniform staples mean good things.
Will I ever get used to looking at it? Will I ever get used to the numbness that I feel in my arm and chest? I know that over time, these things will seem so small and trivial but right now, they mean a lot to me. One week ago today my physical being changed forever. My chest was cut open and I am left with a long line that is ugly. Ugly...NO! It is a symbol that shows strength, courage, fight...all the qualities that I now have.
When I was taken into the operating room last Friday I was scared, weak, and unsure of what my life would be like. Well, now I see what my life will be like! I am still scared but ready to fight the biggest fight of my life. Fight this beast that is Cancer and live for my children, my husband, my family and for me!!
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Just Another Day!
Well, the nurse was in to see me yesterday. She basically filled in some paperwork and checked my drains. They are going to remove the drains one at a time but first they have to be producing less than 30cc's over a 24 hour period. Not quite there yet! She said that I am scheduled to have alternate staples removed on August 7th and then the remainder on August 11th. I have a Liver ultrasound scheduled for August 9th and a Bone Scan scheduled for August 10th. I guess this is what I have to look forward to....appointment after appointment! Not looking forward to what lies ahead.
I am still very weak and just started eating "real food" yesterday. It's hard to have an appetite after surgery. I would assume it would be the same as any surgery. Just seems like they starve you for so long that you would be famished and eat whatever is put in front of you, but that is not the case. I turn my nose up to everything. Which is not good because I need the nutrients to get better. I do have two personal chefs (Mom and MIL) that are more than willing to make anything for me. It's great to be loved!
The kids are doing good. Keil is a little more loving than usual and very clingy (I don't mind one bit) and Cole is his usual self with a little extra in the hugs and kisses department. They both said to me yesterday that they wished I never had this disease. Don't we all wish that? Poor boys...they don't really understand what is going on and I try to keep them informed...at their level of course. They are having fun with Nannie and Nana. Swimming, going to the park, soccer/baseball, walks to the Hasty market.....they are so spoiled! LOL
Anyway, I have to get ready for my second visit from the nurse today. I think she will be checking my wound and drains. Should be interesting!
I am still very weak and just started eating "real food" yesterday. It's hard to have an appetite after surgery. I would assume it would be the same as any surgery. Just seems like they starve you for so long that you would be famished and eat whatever is put in front of you, but that is not the case. I turn my nose up to everything. Which is not good because I need the nutrients to get better. I do have two personal chefs (Mom and MIL) that are more than willing to make anything for me. It's great to be loved!
The kids are doing good. Keil is a little more loving than usual and very clingy (I don't mind one bit) and Cole is his usual self with a little extra in the hugs and kisses department. They both said to me yesterday that they wished I never had this disease. Don't we all wish that? Poor boys...they don't really understand what is going on and I try to keep them informed...at their level of course. They are having fun with Nannie and Nana. Swimming, going to the park, soccer/baseball, walks to the Hasty market.....they are so spoiled! LOL
Anyway, I have to get ready for my second visit from the nurse today. I think she will be checking my wound and drains. Should be interesting!
My Mom!
Finally got my hair washed today after 4 days. It's amazing how a nice shampoo can make you feel! Thanks so much to my Mom for being my nurse. She has been sponge bathing me everyday and has laughed with me and cried. It's not easy being an adult and relying on someone to take care of you in this way. She is no spring chicken but that doesn't stop her. She is more than willing to wash me up and make me feel better. Don't know what I am going to do when she leaves on Saturday.
When you are healthy and well, you take everything for granted. The simplest things like brushing your teeth, eating and getting dressed. When you have to rely on people to help you with these things, it becomes very humbling. I am sure it's not easy for my Mom to see me this way, nor is it easy for me to let her see me like this. Throughout your life, you never imagine that your parents will have to take care of you this way. It's like a repeat of childhood. We always think that it will be us taking care of our parents, making up for all they have done for us. Thank you Mom for being such a great support to me.
When you are healthy and well, you take everything for granted. The simplest things like brushing your teeth, eating and getting dressed. When you have to rely on people to help you with these things, it becomes very humbling. I am sure it's not easy for my Mom to see me this way, nor is it easy for me to let her see me like this. Throughout your life, you never imagine that your parents will have to take care of you this way. It's like a repeat of childhood. We always think that it will be us taking care of our parents, making up for all they have done for us. Thank you Mom for being such a great support to me.
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