Just Thinking!!

Awww, the beginning of another week!

Sitting here on my front porch just thinking about what this week will bring and wishing that Mom was here with me.  I've really started to feel the effects of Mom not being here.  I said it was a little easier for me because I am away from home so it's not in front of me everyday but that is not true.  I actually think that because I am away, it's going to take me longer to get over.  To me, it's just like we haven't talked in a while.  That both our lives are so busy that we haven't had the time to call and catch up.  Numerous times, I have thought of calling and realize, after picking up the phone, that she isn't going to answer on the other end.  It's hard to think that she is not going to be the voice of reason on the phone.  That she is not going to be the one to tell me it's going to be alright and tomorrow is another day.  As the days go on and I get closer to receiving my treatment, I miss her more and more.  I know she would say, you're gonna make it...you're still beautiful...you are strong, but sometimes, I just need to hear her voice actually say it.

You know, looking back, I wish that I told her more often that I really loved her.  I said it to her every time I talked to her but it was out of habit.  That sounds a little harsh but it's true.  How often do we tell someone we love them...like our parents, our brothers, sisters or husbands/wives?  We say it everyday and we certainly mean it...but does it come out as just words or do they actually feel the love coming from our hearts and being spoken on our lips.  I guess some people would say, that is taking the people you love for granted...which I think a lot of us do, in some sort of way.  I just want people to know that when I say I love them, that I mean it from the depths of my heart.  That I would be so sad if they weren't here with me, in this life time.  That's all that I wish Mom could have known.  That I loved her...and I still do, with all my being!

Now, enough with the crying...felt good though!  So this is the week...or so they say.  I have an appointment tomorrow with my Oncologist to discuss the results from my Syma scan and CT scan as well as go over my treatment schedule and get my prescriptions for my nausea medication.  They mentioned to me last week that they could start my Chemo on Thursday after my Port insertion.  I am thinking that might be a good idea.  Each week that goes by, I worry that we are wasting precious time.  I am still 99.9% positive that all the treatment is just an insurance policy...but there is still that 0.1% that thinks that there may be cells that got away.  I figure you have to be somewhat realistic but still stay positive and optimistic.  I am only human...although, some of you, for some unknown reason, think I am Wonder Woman! LOL

Anyway, time to get on with my day...as I am sure all of you do too!

Be strong, stay positive and please pray for me!