So Tired!

Been having a very low key week!

I think the effects of the Chemo are starting to take a toll on my body!  I have been feeling very tired for the past few days and haven't been able to do too much.  My body feels weak and I just feel like I could sleep all day.  I have been doing some reading on the internet and some of these symptoms are associated with low white blood cells.  Which, if my WBC's are low, I won't be able to receive Chemo on Friday. :(  I don't want to get off track and this will certainly do that!  Fingers crossed that I will be well enough to have my treatment.

I have decided this week that I am not going to take the anti nausea trial drug before my Chemo.  I figure that I would much rather be throwing up in a toilet then dealing with the headache that I had.  I can't even begin to describe how terrible the headache was.  Just imagine your head being squeezed between two metal plates and that it is going to explode any minute!  It was that feeling x10!  My father suffered from migraines all his life and I can't even imagine how he functioned on most days, feeling like that.  He was so strong and I am just realizing now how strong he had to have been.  Well, I am not that strong.  I can't go through another weekend of that so I will tell the nurses on Friday that I don't want the drug.  It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do.  You want to have relief from everything but you just don't know how to get it.  They give you all kinds of drugs for all the side effects but until you find the "right" cocktail for you, you just have to suffer! 

I have been having a little bit of depression lately and I have been trying hard to deal with it.  I wouldn't say that I am depressed all the time and in bed with the covers over my head, but I am feeling a bit down lately.  I think it's a combination of the weather, the fact that I now "feel sick" and that I am so far away from my family.  I worry about my brother and my sister everyday, even though they tell me not to.  I guess it's the middle child syndrome...or the motherly instinct.  I just wish that I was closer and healthier so that I could help out.  My sister is off work on stress leave and trying hard to deal with Mom's death (or maybe she is trying to sweep it under the rug)  either way, she needs guidance and support.  My brother is trying hard to build a house and seems to be running into road blocks at every corner.  He can't do work because of the high winds and his electrician just told him he can't do the electrical.  Now my brother has to try to find someone so that he can start to put walls up.  I just wish that we could catch a break!  This year, has been the year from hell for our family and we really need some good things to start happening!

A lot of things that I say in my blogs are not only for your benefit but they are also for mine.  You benefit from knowing how I am doing and what is up next for me and I benefit because I can vent and get things off my chest.  Now some people would think that by me venting I am airing my thoughts that no one needs to hear, but I wrote in one of my first blogs that I wasn't going to sensor my blog and that if I hurt someone's feelings, well then they just shouldn't read it.  I find writing here very therapeutic and it helps me to get through this nightmare!

Be strong, stay positive and pray for me!