Change!

It's amazing the difference a year can make!!  I have been doing some reflecting again on my journey and couldn't believe when I pulled up pictures from a year ago!  It's crazy how you can change on the outside and on the inside!

I remember when I finished my treatments and I spoke to my nurse about the weight gain and how my eyelashes kept falling out.  She told me to be patient and all would manage to correct itself. She was right...it all just takes time.   My hair has come back fully, my eyebrows and eyelashes are back but not as full as they used to be.  Although my weight is at a stand still, I feel stronger and healthy.  I know that the medication I take daily makes it difficult to lose weight but I continue to work out everyday and eat healthy (I cheat now and then...gotta live! LOL)...and that is helping me to be strong!  I will never be the same as I used to be but I will be healthier...and that's all that matters!

I actually have an appointment with a dietition tomorrow and I am hoping that she might be able to guide me to an even healthier lifestyle!  I am excited to sit down with her and go over all the good things I am doing and to listen to her advice on what changes I can make to be even better!  It's just one more chapter in this journey.  Everyone will struggle with weight gain at some point in their life and I believe that we are our worst critics.  Why do we focus on the number when we should only focus on how we feel?  I think that society puts pressure on all of us, women in particular, to be skinny, toned to look perfect!  But you can be all those things and still not be happy on the inside or healthy, for that matter.  It's a vicious cycle that I continue to struggle with...but I am hoping that with some direction from a professional, I will be able to achieve my weight loss goals. 

I am coming up on my "two year cancer free" anniversary and I am just grateful that I am here and that I feel as good as I do! 

Be positive, be strong and pray for all those who are suffering from debilitating diseases.

A Feeling of Emotions!

I am going to start by saying, this entry is not a pity blog, it is simply sharing with all of you the true feelings that take over your mind when trying to get your life back on track.

I have to start at the beginning in order for you all to understand my current thought process.  When first told of my diagnosis, I was in shock and overwhelmed but I knew that I would make it and that Cancer would not take me.  I can honestly say that for the most part, I stayed very positive and strong.  Don't get me wrong, I had moments when I thought "what if I don't make it", "what will my children and Jason do without me", but I would quickly suppress those feelings and trudge on!  I say suppress because that's what I did...opened up my jar of worry, dropped my thoughts in and sealed off the lid.  Over time, I began to cope and manage with the everyday feelings.  I managed to stay positive and strong.

Now, I look back on things and realize that what I was suppressing, were emotions that I was meant to feel, that I was entitled to feel!  I don't think that anyone ever told me that I needed to hide those emotions but I just think that I felt I needed to be strong for everyone around me.  So, to show those emotions and share those feelings, I felt that I would be upsetting my family and friends...and I just didn't know if they could handle that.  I am now discovering that I should have "let" myself feel the way I wanted to and cry when I needed to cry, and not feel guilty.

For the past three weeks, I have been dealing with unexplained emotions.  I am irritable, teary, sad and feel like I could be a little depressed.  I didn't want to let these feelings go on any longer without seeking advice from my family doctor.  Today, I had an appointment with her and she explained to me that even though a year has passed since I finished treatment, I can still experience "side effects" from my cancer  journey.  She is also convinced that a lot of this "change in mood" is a result of my hormones being suppressed by the Tamoxifen.  I am typically not a depressed person and I have never experienced any of these feelings before.  So, to feel this all now, is a bit of a slap in the face.  Not something that I would have ever thought I would have to deal with.  Although she does not think I am depressed, par say, she feels that I may need to talk to someone outside of my circle of family and friends.  The fact, that it is probably from my hormones, a self help book may be just enough to get me through this little bump.  So she recommended a book called "Mind Over Mood".  So, off to the book store I go!! :)

I think that we are always too hard on ourselves and don't want to burden people with our problems.  It is only human nature to want to share things and feel emotion.  It is not something that you should feel guilty about or ashamed.  You should feel relief and happiness that you have recognized a problem and are open to fixing it, to make your life better. 

I am waiting to hear back from my Plastic Surgeon on my next surgery date.  It could possibly be August 19!  Looking forward to getting my other breast off and starting the expanding process.  My skin is doing great and has accepted the fat transfers very well!  Happy, happy, happy!!

Stay positive, be strong and continue to pray for all those who suffer with debilitating diseases such as Cancer, Depression, Anxiety, Fibro and many many more!  May God keep all of you in his safe hands :)

Second And Final Fat Transfer!!

****WARNING PICTURES****

Well, I am back from a much needed and overdue vacation with my family!  I feel refreshed, relaxed and blessed. 

We booked a trip to an all inclusive in Cuba for 7 days.  We had a fabulous time…enjoying the sun, heat and surf…the food was a little to be desired but overall, it was so worth the money.  Our goal was to get away from all this snow and cold and basically relax…which, is exactly what we did!  We didn’t go on any excursions and only saw one show at the resort.  We were in bed every night by 10 and up by 7…with no one to tell us we had to be here or there by a certain time.   It was amazing!!  We arrived home from our vacation on Saturday and geared ourselves up for my next surgery on Tuesday.

My surgery was scheduled for 9:50AM on Tuesday, April 8.  I was told to be there for 8:15AM for registration.  We figured that if we left the house by 6:30AM that would be more than enough time to get us there for my appointment.  Little did we know, when we woke up, there would be a snow storm…what the heck?  April 8 and a snow storm!!  The traffic was brutal but we managed to make it there for 8:00AM…holding our breath all the way because Jason forgot to put gas in the car and our light was on, half way there!  Geeze, this guy...he likes to make me panic! LOL 

Anywho, we arrived on time and the nurses took me in right away, which I wasn’t expecting.  Dr. Semple came to see me around 9:00AM and said we would be starting shortly.  So after he placed his reference points on me with a marker, I was sent out to the waiting area to wait for the anesthesiologist.  Once I was asked a million and one questions, I was taken in to the surgery room and quickly put under…no pussy footin' around with them! :)

I woke up approximately two hours after I went in and was in the most excruciating pain!  I was really nervous going into this surgery, for some reason.  I guess I was anticipating the pain.  The nurses were so good with me and gave me lots of good meds to keep me comfortable.   I slept for about another hour before they let Jason and the boys come in to see me.  They didn’t stay long because I was so drugged up, it didn’t make sense for them to just stand there watching me sleep.  The doctor came in to see how I was and tell me that they took more fat this time…which meant they had more to inject into my mastectomy sight.  This would explain the extra pain that I felt this time around.  I guess they figured it was my last fat transfer so they wanted to make the best of it!  I was finally discharged at 2:45PM.

Over the past couple of days, I have been in a lot of pain…oxycodone has been my best friend! ;) Today, I am feeling weak and uncomfortable.   I have a lot of bruising and swelling in my abdomen and my chest wall is feeling really tight and bruised.  I am not sure if you can see from the photos or not, but I now have a small “mound” in my breast sight.  (my tan is camouflaging a lot of the bruising)  Looks like this is working for me!!  YAY!!!  The doctors are quite pleased with my progress and how far my skin has come since the last procedure in January. 

I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Semple on April 16 and hopefully will be given my surgery date for the removal of my other breast and insertion of expanders.  At this point, I am not looking forward to this surgery as I am tired of being in pain and discomfort.  But, I can’t give up now…it will all be over before I know it! J

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray!  Also, be kind to one another…it’s anti-bullying week and it’s so important to spread kindness throughout the world!  There are a lot of kind people in the world…if you can’t find one, be one!

Life Is So Precious!!

Jason and I sat in the hot tub tonight discussing the unfortunate events that have been happening to us and the people we love.  It sounds a bit like a downer of a conversation but it really wasn't, it was more of an enlightening experience.

We were told today about someone close to us that was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  They were given 6 months to a year to live.  Six months with no Chemo and a year with aggressive Chemo.  Both Jason and I reflected on how we would feel if we were given that news and how we would deal with it.  Would you take the 6 months and live every day to the fullest or would you take the aggressive Chemo and hopefully live a year?  That year would be miserable...you would be sick, weak and fighting for something that you know wasn't meant to be.  What a terrible decision for someone to be faced with. 

I know this sounds like a depressing blog, to be discussing death and decisions that some people have to make.  But really, it's not.  It made me think about my Mom and Dad and how much I miss them.  It made me think about their deaths and how hard it was for me.  I watched my Dad deteriorate, over a year, to 98lbs...he didn't eat, didn't drink and he couldn't talk.  It was so hard to see that but I believe God was preparing me for his death.  Because when Dad died, although it was hard, I also felt that it was a blessing because I couldn't stand seeing him suffer any longer.  Losing Mom was totally different...quick and unexpected.  I didn't get the chance to prepare myself for losing her.  I think both were really hard to deal with but I was thankful that I had the time with Dad to say goodbye.  Just wish I had more time with Mom...more time to prepare.

My parents were so loving, kind and beautiful.   They loved each other like no other...they loved us like no other.  Dad was the typical father...got up, went to work (he was self employed) and would come home and relax on the couch after dinner.  He was always helping other people and loved when friends would come over for a visit and what was supposed to be a short visit, ended up being a kitchen party full of laughter, song and drink!  Mom was a loving mother.  I remember getting ready for school in the morning and always kissing her goodbye.  When I would arrive home after school, I would run to the house to give her a kiss again.  She taught me so much...I'm not sure if she realized how much I actually learned from her.  How to bake, sew, paint, wallpaper and style hair!  But most importantly, my parents taught me how to love, care for other people, and have strength to get through whatever I am faced with.  I am honored to be their daughter!

So what started as a very deep and depressing conversation, turned into an evening of remembering all the wonderful things about my parents.  I don't really sit and think about it, but I really should take the time to reminisce about them...it makes me smile :) 

Live fully...the most important things in life cannot be seen but must be felt with the heart...be kind and generous...simplify.....have patience and compassion....be grateful for the gifts you've been given...challenge yourself....inspire someone....take the road less traveled....it's never too late!

I feel blessed, strong, proud and loved!

It's Been A While...For Good Reason!!

Sorry I haven't written anything in a long time.  We have been so busy with family things that I just didn't have the energy to sit down and write anything.  I know a lot of you have been wondering how my appointments have been going and I apologize for not updating you all sooner.

On Family Day, February 16, Jason's uncle took his life.  We are still in shock and can't even comprehend why someone, that was so loved, would do this.  When we received the call, late that Monday night, our hearts sank with grief.  We were stunned and in such disbelief that this could happen. 

Marcel was such a fun loving, caring, life of the party kind of guy!  He and his wife Leslie were kind enough to open their home to Jason and I when we first moved to Ontario.  Before venturing off on our own, we lived with the two of them and their lovely daughter Madeline and their new born son, Evan. When Jason finished school, Marcel gave him a job with his engineering company in Mississauga.  While working for Marcel, Jason was contracted to another company who eventually hired him full time.  Marcel sold the company and moved on himself.  We started to lose touch with him but always tried to include him in our lives.  He was a great guy to be around and could always put a smile on your face!!  He will be greatly missed.

We are starting to feel like we spend our days at a hospital...waiting for doctors, waiting  for test results...it is overwhelming sometimes.  I had my appointment with my new General Surgeon at Woman's College Hospital, Dr. Escallon.  He seems to be quite knowledgeable and has done many surgeries like mine.  I asked him what the procedure would be and he explained that basically he would remove all the tissue and glands from my "good" breast and send it to pathology for analysis. (just to be sure there is no Cancer present)  This is called a skin sparing mastectomy.  Once he is finished with that part of the surgery, my plastic surgeon will take over and insert the expander, to eventually accommodate an implant.  Dr. Escallon is also going to remove my nipple, as I am going to have them tattooed on, at a later date.  Now, I just have to wait for my surgery date.  The problem may be trying to coordinate with my plastic surgeon because they don't do surgery on the same days...so someone is going to have to give up their golf day!! LOL  I think I'm worth it! :)

We have also been running to the doctor for Jason, Keil and Cole.  It just seems like every second day we have an appointment.  Jason is getting tests done so that he might possibly be able to get a surgery to help relieve his heartburn.  He has had it most of his life and we are worried that there may be damage in his esophagus.  So he has been traveling between Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga to St. Joseph's Hospital in Hamilton.  Cole had his allergy tests redone and he also had to go see his specialist at Sick Kids in Hamilton.  The lymphangioma that he was born with has come back.  He had surgery on it when he was 2 months old.  The specialist said to "watch it" and if it gets worse, he may consider doing surgery again.  ...and Keil has been having stomach issues so we have been doing tests and seeing doctors for that.  We now have a referral to a Kidney Specialist for him because an ultrasound showed spots on his kidney's and his urine test showed protein spillage.  It just never seems to end...medical issues that is!

So, my next appointment is on April 8th.  I will have my second fat transfer done and then I will be ready for the big surgery...which I am still waiting for the appointment date. (the one where someone has to give up a golf day ;) 

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for all the lost souls.   May they find the peace, strength and love they are looking for.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Well I hope each and every one of you have spent the day with someone you love!  Jason and I spent the evening in the hot tub with a few drinks!  Nothing better than having a nice quiet evening with your honey :)

I can't even imagine my world without him!  He really helped to nurse me back to health.  He sat by me when I was at my lowest low and made sure that I was always comfortable.  He was my cheerleader when I was going through treatments and was my voice of reason when I thought I couldn't go on.  He is my best friend and I can't imagine not having him in my life.  We have been together for 26 years and love each other more now, then we ever thought possible. :)  So I hope you all have someone like Jason in your lives...someone who will be there when you need them most!

So I had my follow up appointment with Dr. Rajagopal (my Onc) and she said that I was doing wonderfully!  I thought that I would have some blood tests or something but no, it was just a check up...see how I was doing, feeling and tolerating my medication.  She looked me over, did a breast exam and sent me on my way!  I love appointments like that, although, I would have liked to have had some blood work done just to make sure that everything was the way that it should be.  So I don't see her again until November, unless something comes up in the meantime.  Like that's gonna happen :)

My next appointment (Feb 24) will be with the general surgeon at Woman's College Hospital.  He will discuss the operation to remove my "good" breast and prepare me for an implant.  Once I meet with him, my plastic surgeon will coordinate a surgery date.  I just can't believe how fast this is all happening!!  Seems like just yesterday I was going through treatment...well, maybe not yesterday...maybe more like last week ;)  It's just crazy looking back at it all! WOW...very proud and humble.

I have also had a few people asking me to post some more pictures of my progress from my last procedure.  There really isn't much to see.  My stomach is back to normal.  My breast area has changed slightly...the radiation burn is slowly going away, I am still a bit bruised and I have a little "pudge" from the fat injection.  I will take a picture this week and post it...but like I said...nothing much has changed.

I hope you are all having a fabulous weekend!!  Be positive, be strong and continue to pray...it does the soul good! :)

Lists!!

Are you one of those people who make lists?  Do you make lists for all the things you need to complete over the weekend or during the week?  I was one of those people too but then I realized that looking at that list of things to do, just added more stress to my life and made me feel overwhelmed.  Now, I only write down the important stuff (because my brain just doesn't work like it used to...combination of Chemo brain and age, I'm certain) :)  I have decided to only write down appointments, parties or other special occasions.  I avoid writing..."clean the house", "clean the garage", "mop the floors", "tidy the closets", etc...why write these things down when you know you have to do it...you know that it's not going to get done by itself!  Although, that would be nice ;)  But by putting it on a list, you are pressured to do it...because if you are like me, you can't stand a list that isn't checked off!  Crazy what we do to ourselves!!  So keep your lists to special occasions and the important things (because I know we all have to make lists) and keep the "regular" stuff off.  I realized that by doing this, I don't feel so overwhelmed and stressed, which in turn...keeps me healthy!!

Stress is such a debilitating action that we bring upon ourselves.  It's all how we deal with things and we need to learn how to control it.  Stress is a leading cause of heart disease, depression, digestive problems, sleep problems, weight problems, autoimmune problems...you get what I am saying?  Stress is a trigger for most problems in our lives and when you have too much stress these "bad things" can take over and make your body shut down.  Now don't get me wrong, it's definitely hard to manage stress in the world that we live in.  But I think if we can control or manage some of the unnecessary stress then we can learn to control the outward stress.  It's important that we take a step back from a situation and think, is there another way I can be dealing with this...and in the grand scheme of things, is it really that important to make me have a sleepless night or be depressed over?  That is where a positive attitude can play a very important role in your life.  Once again, I feel like I am rambling on but trying to get a very important point across....avoid stress and learn to cope with it so that it doesn't consume you!  There! Done! LOL

So, I had my follow up with my plastic surgeon and he is very impressed with my recovery!  He said that both donor and recipient sites look great and he feels that I will only require one more procedure before the big surgery!!  He is interested to see what the general surgeon will say on the 24th and hopes to keep this train running on track! :) 

I feel great...starting running again (everyday), sharing my mornings with Jillian Michaels, and I also started juicing every morning!  Jason and I both decided that we would try this "juicing" that everyone is talking about and see if we feel a difference.  I am feeling like I have more energy, my digestive system is loving me and my skin is looking better!  I feel full longer, which helps me control my weight and just the fact that I am getting my full serving of veggies and fruits in a day, makes me feel good!  I would recommend it to anyone!!  Studies have shown that juicing can help prevent certain types of cancer, anything I can do to prevent getting "any" type of cancer is good with me! :)

So next appointment is my 6 month check up with Dr. Rajagopal, my oncologist.  I am interested to see what she thinks of my progress.  I literally haven't seen her since August...not even a peek when I was at the hospital for tests!  I believe I will have blood work done and a full check up...looking forward to hearing those words "you are cancer free"!!! 

Be POSITIVE, continue to be STRONG and as always PRAY...because there is something bigger than all of us!!