I am going to start by saying, this entry is not a pity blog, it is simply sharing with all of you the true feelings that take over your mind when trying to get your life back on track.
I have to start at the beginning in order for you all to understand my current thought process. When first told of my diagnosis, I was in shock and overwhelmed but I knew that I would make it and that Cancer would not take me. I can honestly say that for the most part, I stayed very positive and strong. Don't get me wrong, I had moments when I thought "what if I don't make it", "what will my children and Jason do without me", but I would quickly suppress those feelings and trudge on! I say suppress because that's what I did...opened up my jar of worry, dropped my thoughts in and sealed off the lid. Over time, I began to cope and manage with the everyday feelings. I managed to stay positive and strong.
Now, I look back on things and realize that what I was suppressing, were emotions that I was meant to feel, that I was entitled to feel! I don't think that anyone ever told me that I needed to hide those emotions but I just think that I felt I needed to be strong for everyone around me. So, to show those emotions and share those feelings, I felt that I would be upsetting my family and friends...and I just didn't know if they could handle that. I am now discovering that I should have "let" myself feel the way I wanted to and cry when I needed to cry, and not feel guilty.
For the past three weeks, I have been dealing with unexplained emotions. I am irritable, teary, sad and feel like I could be a little depressed. I didn't want to let these feelings go on any longer without seeking advice from my family doctor. Today, I had an appointment with her and she explained to me that even though a year has passed since I finished treatment, I can still experience "side effects" from my cancer journey. She is also convinced that a lot of this "change in mood" is a result of my hormones being suppressed by the Tamoxifen. I am typically not a depressed person and I have never experienced any of these feelings before. So, to feel this all now, is a bit of a slap in the face. Not something that I would have ever thought I would have to deal with. Although she does not think I am depressed, par say, she feels that I may need to talk to someone outside of my circle of family and friends. The fact, that it is probably from my hormones, a self help book may be just enough to get me through this little bump. So she recommended a book called "Mind Over Mood". So, off to the book store I go!! :)
I think that we are always too hard on ourselves and don't want to burden people with our problems. It is only human nature to want to share things and feel emotion. It is not something that you should feel guilty about or ashamed. You should feel relief and happiness that you have recognized a problem and are open to fixing it, to make your life better.
I am waiting to hear back from my Plastic Surgeon on my next surgery date. It could possibly be August 19! Looking forward to getting my other breast off and starting the expanding process. My skin is doing great and has accepted the fat transfers very well! Happy, happy, happy!!
Stay positive, be strong and continue to pray for all those who suffer with debilitating diseases such as Cancer, Depression, Anxiety, Fibro and many many more! May God keep all of you in his safe hands :)
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