Looking Out The Window!

Yesterday was a tough day for me!

Got my wig and the color is not quite what I expected.  When I tried it on, I felt that it was a "wig"!  Well, of course it is but it really felt like a wig, now that I don't have much hair.  I was bummed out because I have been looking forward to getting it for two weeks now and just wanted it to be perfect.  I called the lady I purchased it from and she said she would put some highlights through it for me.  I would do it but I didn't want to take the chance of ruining it.  I think once some highlights are put though and I put some more layers and bangs in it, I will really like it.  Just got to remember that it isn't going to grow if I don't like it! LOL 

I thought about Mom a lot yesterday too.  I know she is here with me because some freeky things have been happening.  Once in a while, I can smell cigarette smoke.  I couldn't sleep the other night so I went down to the basement (we have a bed set up there now) and tried to get comfortable.  I thought I would bring my Kobo reader because I knew I wasn't overly tired.  I was reading Patti Mallette's book (Justin Bieber's Mom) and managed to finish a couple of chapters before shutting it down for the night.  Now, if any of you have a Kobo, you know that it saves the last book that you read on the screen and tells you the percentage that you have read.  So, I go down to the basement the next day to get my Kobo and on the screen was a book that I haven't even started reading and it said that it was 15% read!!!  Freeky....I think so!   The book was one that Cara downloaded when she was here (apparently it's similar to 50 Shades)...I guess Mom really liked it! LOL

After a couple of melt downs yesterday and supper I was sitting in my living room just looking out the window.  I find peace and comfort watching nature.  Watching the squirrels scurry, watching the leaves fall and watching....well, just nothing.  But one thing I did notice, is everyone going about their nightly routines.  People getting supper ready, doing homework with their kids and just having family time.  I realized how not too long ago, I was one of those families.  I was going on with my daily routines and only cared if the house was clean, when my next client would be coming, if I had enough groceries for the next couple of days.  Funny how your life can take a sudden turn.   We never know what is actually going on behind closed doors and sometimes, we just don't want to.  People looking in my windows might think that everything is normal here.  That we are going about the same routine that we have always done for the past 11 years.  But little do they know, our world has been turned upside down and it's not about the daily routines anymore.  Now it's about living!  Making sure the boys are having fun, that they are enjoying their lives.  Enjoying every minute with each other, good or bad.  Just taking each breath as it comes and exhaling with an even bigger breath...just knowing that you are alive!  It's amazing what you can see when you look out your window.

Be strong, be positive and pray for me! :)

Another Day Closer!

Starting to feel a bit better today!

I seem to be getting my energy back again, which the doctors said my energy would get worse as the treatments go.  I am glad because I can't seem to sit still!  I have been told to relax and take it easy but I find it hard when I see things around the house that need to get done.  I know everyone is thinking, the house can wait...and it certainly can, but I love doing things around my house and if it keeps my mind off things, then I welcome the distraction! 

Talked with my brother last night.  He is such a trooper!  Running a business, building a new house (and for you Ontario people...when I say building, I mean "he" is building his house).  He has the footings done and can start framing soon.  He has three adorable little girls that keep him busy and he is planning to come up to stay with me during my 4th treatment.  I know that it will be good for the both of us to get together...just hope he can handle the look of me.  He has been through an emotional roller coaster just like the rest of us and no matter how old you get, you don't want to see your family sick.  We are close as siblings but became a lot closer after my father died.  I think we both realized that family is the most important thing and that we have to always be here for one another, no matter what!  I am so excited to see him!

But before my brother comes, my sister is planning to visit!

For any of you who know Britt, she is usually good at keeping a secret but for some reason she couldn't keep this one!  She knew that I didn't have anyone coming for my next treatment so she has decided to come.  She was going to surprise me but with my reaction to her last surprise visit, I think she wanted to save me the heart failure. LOL  Looking forward to seeing her too!  She is still dealing with losing mom and my illness and I think it will be good for her to be close to me for the next little while.  Even though I won't be much company for the first few days!  I hope that we will be able to talk and get though some of this pain together. 

So, it looks like the fall is really picking up for visitors!!  Can't wait to see everyone because it just means one day closer to finishing these treatments! 

Be strong, be positive and pray for me!

Two Down Four To Go!!

Well, another treatment over with and it was a bit better this time.

The doctors tried me on a trial drug for nausea.  It gave me the worst headache I ever had in my life but I didn't vomit.  Had a lot of dry heaves which I think can be just as bad as vomiting.  Anyway, not sure if I will do it again next treatment or suffer though being sick.

My best friend Cara was here for a week, which is why I haven't been writing.  We have been that busy running around!  Just the way I like it...can't handle the cabin fever thing!  Not too sure Cara was able to keep up with me.  She thought she was coming here to clean my house and rub my back when I got sick...instead we hit a good shoe deal at the mall, got some clothes for the kids and their Halloween costumes!  Busy, Busy!!  Miss her like crazy now though!  We had some good laughs, cried a bit and watched numerous episodes of Long Island Medium!  We are so going to see her....Debbie is coming too!  When I am up for traveling, Teresa Caputo is on my bucket list!

Still waiting on my wig...which has been a big disappointment.  It was a week late and when I went to try it on, they sent the wrong color. Bluh!!!  It was this grey washed out blonde ashy tone wig.  Not at all what I ordered.  So they said it should be here today.  I am feeling way too dizzy and blurry to be going to see if my wig is in.  I'll just wait for their call.  Although I do need it...pretty bald!  Jason just said that I look like I shaved the sides of my head bald and left the faux hawk look down the back...only thing...the faux hawk is bald in spots!  I feel now when I take a shower, I have fist fulls of hair, although it's short but still coming out in hand fulls!  I have to wear my beeny hat now because my head is so cold!

Funny, I always thought I would have a problem losing my hair but I seem to be dealing with it quite well.  I think it's because I did it in stages.  I would recommend that to anyone going through this.  I found it helped the kids to cope a bit better too.  Cole came home from being in Barrie all weekend to seeing a much balder me and all he wanted to do was touch my head to see how soft it was.  Keil is adjusting well too.  It's taking him a bit longer but he is getting there.  They are great kids!  Love them so much :)

 Just got word that my mother's sister is not doing well and I would like to send out a big prayer for her!  Love you aunt Linda.  Feel better!

Friends and Family

Sorry for not writing in so long.  My computer has been down all week...and trust me, I have been going crazy without it!

Lots of things happening this week!  My sister in law, Debbie, left on Monday night.  Wow, didn't realize how much I missed her until she was gone!  Like I said before, we had a blast together and she made me laugh out loud and hard every day!  She was a huge help when she was here and all of us miss her dearly. 

Tuesday I went to my Look Good Feel Better program that was put on my volunteers at the hospital.  It's part of the Breast Cancer Association and it's free to women recently diagnosed with cancer.  When I arrived, there were 9 chairs and only 4 left.  Looking around the room, I realized how strong women are and how Breast Cancer affects so many!  I was the youngest participant but still felt like I belonged.  The program was informative and I got lots of free makeup and other beauty supplies.  But, I think my angels had other reasons for me to be there that day.   I was lucky enough to meet a girl around the same age as me (we were the only two in our 40's) and we chatted after the class for almost 1 hour.  She is HER2+ as well as Progesterone and Estrogen positive, just like me.  The only difference is that her tumor was smaller than mine and she only had one lymph node positive out of 13.  So, she is only being treated with Chemo and does not require Radiation.  We hit it off right from the beginning and have been texting each other every day since.  I even managed to go to her last treatment to sit with her for a bit.  She is super strong...single mom with two kids and struggling with a recent breakup.  I can see, that we are going to be friends for a very long time!

I am feeling really good!  I have all my energy, no nausea but I am losing my hair.  I have been on the go all week and feel wonderful!  I called my nurse yesterday to see if I might be able to get a new nausea drug for my next treatment.  She was going to look into it and let me know today.  While on the phone with her, I took the opportunity to ask for my MRI results from last week.  Brace yourself.....there was NO CANCER on my liver!  Yay!!!!   You don't even know how happy I was to hear that!  I cried, jumped up and down and got on the phone to call my family and friends!  It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders!  Now I am positive that my treatments are only an insurance policy!!!  Best news EVER!!!

My best friend since childhood is coming on Sunday to stay with me for the week.  Cara and I have been best friends since we were 7 and 8.  One day I was looking for someone to play with and my mother said, "why don't you call the little Logan girl down the road?"  Now, a lot of you don't know that I lived in a small rural community in Nova Scotia.  So, our closest neighbor was about a mile away....except for family.  So, Cara was my mile away neighbor.  I made the call and we have been besties ever since.  We have done everything together!  I even worked for her when I graduated from my hairdressing course.  She has always been there for me and I for her.  I can't wait for her to get here!  Jason has to go on training next week in the states so it's perfect timing for her to come.  She will be here for my next treatment and will probably be the one to shave my head!  It's going to be an interesting week!

Still missing my Mom everyday!  I think about her non stop and wish that she was here with me, physically!  I picked up the phone to call her yesterday and realized that one, my phone wasn't working yet, and two, she wouldn't be home to take my call! :(    I know she is with me because when I was lying in bed the other night, I could smell her.  Strange, I know but I really believe that if you want to see someone bad enough, then you will experience them.  Just like a few years ago, I was missing Dad like crazy.  I couldn't stop thinking of him for days.  I ended up having a dream about him and he held out his hand to take mine.  In my dream, I could actually feel the roughness of his hand.  I could feel the callus' and I could smell him.  It was the closest feeling I had since he passed.  

Everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!  Enjoy your time with friends and family....hold them close and tell them that you love them!

Be strong, be positive and pray for me!

Positivity Is The Key!

Had my MRI yesterday.  Results here in a week.

They had to do an MRI because they found two spots on my liver and just want to make sure that it's not the cancer spreading.  Puft...cancer spreading...are they crazy?  I don't have cancer anymore...all this Chemo and Radiation is just an insurance policy! 

Since the beginning of all this, I have maintained a positive outlook which I think is so important.  I often hear of people finding out they have cancer and just hiding away and slipping into a depression.  I can see how that can easily happen but I think if you do that, the cancer will thrive on your system being low and just take over.  I really do believe that your mind plays a huge role in your progress and healing.  I think the mind is way more powerful than we give it credit for. 

Instead of looking at it like...man, I was sick for 5 days and still not feeling 100%...I look at it like...I was only sick for 4 or 5 days and then was able to start doing things that I like again...and now I have two whole weeks of feeling 90%...tomorrow is going to be better than today....and I can handle being sick for 4 or 5 days once a month....it's only 6 or 7 months of my life!  Sorry that was a ramble but I think you get my point!  Positive, Positive, Positive! :)

One more thing...just want to thank all of my friends for participating in "Run for the Cure" this weekend!  I am truly honored and very humble that you would take time out of your busy schedules to run for me!  I am blessed to have such a wonderful group of friends and family!  Love you all <3 

Playing With Hair

My sister-in-law, Debbie, is here with me this week and we are having a blast!  You never really know how much you need someone until they are with you!  She makes me laugh from the gut everyday...you know that kind of laugh that makes your cheeks and stomach hurt and leaves you gasping for air!  We laugh about everything...and it feels so good!  Don't know what I am going to do without her! 

So we started shopping for wigs this week...my goodness, what an endeavor that was!  You know, it's really hard to find places that sell good wigs.  I want a good wig...I'm a hair person! LOL  I want a human hair wig...can't look fake, must be able to withstand heat tools and must always look good.  I did a search in Toronto for medical wigs and there isn't a lot of selection.  We happen to find a place here in Brampton that specializes in Chemo patients.  The owner, Debbie...or sometimes she wants to be called Annie (that's another story) is a real sweetheart!  She has explained every type of wig and what the best selection would be for me.  After trying on several styles...a lot just for fun...we picked out, what I think will be the perfect wig!  I have attached some photos of the style and color but will post actual photos once I receive the wig next week.

I am still having quite a bit of side effects from the Chemo.  I am dizzy everyday (thank God Debbie doesn't mind driving up here), I have a headache and I feel a bit nauseated (kind of like pregnancy, but obviously not).  I am hoping that once I let my doctors know, they will be able to change things up a bit or at least make some suggestions to lessen the symptoms.  I am still having trouble sleeping but am finding that each night gets a bit better.  In fact, that's the way everything is...with each day, it gets better! 

Be strong, be positive and pray for me please!

1 Down 5 To Go!

Feeling a bit better today.  The last couple of days have not been good.

Friday was my first treatment and it went ok.  The nurses that bandaged up my port, bandaged it up wrong and the Chemo nurses had to tug for quite some time to get the needle free.  It hurt like hell so they had to give me some Perkacets (sp?).  The actual treatment part was a breeze, it's what came after that was terrible.

Got home from the hospital and the nausea started to set in.  Took my meds but they didn't seem to help too much.  I was sick all night and feeling miserable!  Jason was wonderful, rubbing my back and washing my face.  Don't know what I would do without him.

Saturday I was really week and not feeling well at all but was able to hold down some small amounts of food.  I slept for most of the day only getting up for my meds and to eat.  I have had a massive headache since Friday night and it's just starting to minimize a bit.

Not much for writing today but wanted to let you know how I was doing.

Be strong, be positive and continue to pray for me!