So Tired!

Been having a very low key week!

I think the effects of the Chemo are starting to take a toll on my body!  I have been feeling very tired for the past few days and haven't been able to do too much.  My body feels weak and I just feel like I could sleep all day.  I have been doing some reading on the internet and some of these symptoms are associated with low white blood cells.  Which, if my WBC's are low, I won't be able to receive Chemo on Friday. :(  I don't want to get off track and this will certainly do that!  Fingers crossed that I will be well enough to have my treatment.

I have decided this week that I am not going to take the anti nausea trial drug before my Chemo.  I figure that I would much rather be throwing up in a toilet then dealing with the headache that I had.  I can't even begin to describe how terrible the headache was.  Just imagine your head being squeezed between two metal plates and that it is going to explode any minute!  It was that feeling x10!  My father suffered from migraines all his life and I can't even imagine how he functioned on most days, feeling like that.  He was so strong and I am just realizing now how strong he had to have been.  Well, I am not that strong.  I can't go through another weekend of that so I will tell the nurses on Friday that I don't want the drug.  It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do.  You want to have relief from everything but you just don't know how to get it.  They give you all kinds of drugs for all the side effects but until you find the "right" cocktail for you, you just have to suffer! 

I have been having a little bit of depression lately and I have been trying hard to deal with it.  I wouldn't say that I am depressed all the time and in bed with the covers over my head, but I am feeling a bit down lately.  I think it's a combination of the weather, the fact that I now "feel sick" and that I am so far away from my family.  I worry about my brother and my sister everyday, even though they tell me not to.  I guess it's the middle child syndrome...or the motherly instinct.  I just wish that I was closer and healthier so that I could help out.  My sister is off work on stress leave and trying hard to deal with Mom's death (or maybe she is trying to sweep it under the rug)  either way, she needs guidance and support.  My brother is trying hard to build a house and seems to be running into road blocks at every corner.  He can't do work because of the high winds and his electrician just told him he can't do the electrical.  Now my brother has to try to find someone so that he can start to put walls up.  I just wish that we could catch a break!  This year, has been the year from hell for our family and we really need some good things to start happening!

A lot of things that I say in my blogs are not only for your benefit but they are also for mine.  You benefit from knowing how I am doing and what is up next for me and I benefit because I can vent and get things off my chest.  Now some people would think that by me venting I am airing my thoughts that no one needs to hear, but I wrote in one of my first blogs that I wasn't going to sensor my blog and that if I hurt someone's feelings, well then they just shouldn't read it.  I find writing here very therapeutic and it helps me to get through this nightmare!

Be strong, stay positive and pray for me!

 

A Little Bit of This and That!

Had a busy week!

I am taking advantage of when I am feeling well to do a little shopping, cleaning and organizing.  I have felt really good this week but I am noticing that I can only do a little before I start getting tired.  I usually hit a brick wall by 1pm and feel that I have to take a nap.  But I don't because I want to savor every minute of each day.  I haven't been sleeping well at night either so that may contribute to my lazy afternoons.

I am getting myself ready for my next treatment.  Trying to figure out when I should start taking some of my meds and whether or not I should do the trial anti nausea drug again.  I think if I take my anti nausea meds as soon as I get home from Chemo, then it may lessen the blow of side effects.  Also, since I had a massive headache from my last treatment, I am thinking I should be taking Advil (finally approved by my doc) as soon as I get home from treatment as well.  It's a game of what to do and when to do it to make me feel better.

The kids and Jason are starting to get colds so now I have to deal with the cold and flu season.  I was hoping that we would avoid it for a bit longer but not a chance. :(  I wasn't sure how I was going to fight it but called my nurse and she said that I can take Echinacea.   It's kind of scary to introduce drugs to your system when you already have so much in it!  I just don't want to miss a treatment because my blood count is low.  Which leads me to my next statement.  I know there are a lot of my friends that want to see me but I really have to watch what I may be exposing myself to.  So, I am apologizing now for possibly saying "sorry but I can't meet you for lunch" or "sorry but I can't have visitors this week".  I feel bad saying this but I really do need to stay healthy so that I can stay on track with my treatments.  

Finally got my wig trimmed up and highlighted!  I love it!!  I have been wearing it everyday this week, except when I have to wash it.  Any time I meet someone that I know, they tell me that it looks really natural and in fact looks like my own hair/style.  I am very pleased with it and I have to thank my brother in law for helping pay for it!  I always planned on getting a real human hair wig no matter what the cost.  Scott wanted me to feel comfortable in my wig and wanted me to have the best so he helped me get just that!  Thanks Scott!  I'll post pictures when I get a chance!

Be strong, stay positive and pray for me!

Looking Out The Window!

Yesterday was a tough day for me!

Got my wig and the color is not quite what I expected.  When I tried it on, I felt that it was a "wig"!  Well, of course it is but it really felt like a wig, now that I don't have much hair.  I was bummed out because I have been looking forward to getting it for two weeks now and just wanted it to be perfect.  I called the lady I purchased it from and she said she would put some highlights through it for me.  I would do it but I didn't want to take the chance of ruining it.  I think once some highlights are put though and I put some more layers and bangs in it, I will really like it.  Just got to remember that it isn't going to grow if I don't like it! LOL 

I thought about Mom a lot yesterday too.  I know she is here with me because some freeky things have been happening.  Once in a while, I can smell cigarette smoke.  I couldn't sleep the other night so I went down to the basement (we have a bed set up there now) and tried to get comfortable.  I thought I would bring my Kobo reader because I knew I wasn't overly tired.  I was reading Patti Mallette's book (Justin Bieber's Mom) and managed to finish a couple of chapters before shutting it down for the night.  Now, if any of you have a Kobo, you know that it saves the last book that you read on the screen and tells you the percentage that you have read.  So, I go down to the basement the next day to get my Kobo and on the screen was a book that I haven't even started reading and it said that it was 15% read!!!  Freeky....I think so!   The book was one that Cara downloaded when she was here (apparently it's similar to 50 Shades)...I guess Mom really liked it! LOL

After a couple of melt downs yesterday and supper I was sitting in my living room just looking out the window.  I find peace and comfort watching nature.  Watching the squirrels scurry, watching the leaves fall and watching....well, just nothing.  But one thing I did notice, is everyone going about their nightly routines.  People getting supper ready, doing homework with their kids and just having family time.  I realized how not too long ago, I was one of those families.  I was going on with my daily routines and only cared if the house was clean, when my next client would be coming, if I had enough groceries for the next couple of days.  Funny how your life can take a sudden turn.   We never know what is actually going on behind closed doors and sometimes, we just don't want to.  People looking in my windows might think that everything is normal here.  That we are going about the same routine that we have always done for the past 11 years.  But little do they know, our world has been turned upside down and it's not about the daily routines anymore.  Now it's about living!  Making sure the boys are having fun, that they are enjoying their lives.  Enjoying every minute with each other, good or bad.  Just taking each breath as it comes and exhaling with an even bigger breath...just knowing that you are alive!  It's amazing what you can see when you look out your window.

Be strong, be positive and pray for me! :)

Another Day Closer!

Starting to feel a bit better today!

I seem to be getting my energy back again, which the doctors said my energy would get worse as the treatments go.  I am glad because I can't seem to sit still!  I have been told to relax and take it easy but I find it hard when I see things around the house that need to get done.  I know everyone is thinking, the house can wait...and it certainly can, but I love doing things around my house and if it keeps my mind off things, then I welcome the distraction! 

Talked with my brother last night.  He is such a trooper!  Running a business, building a new house (and for you Ontario people...when I say building, I mean "he" is building his house).  He has the footings done and can start framing soon.  He has three adorable little girls that keep him busy and he is planning to come up to stay with me during my 4th treatment.  I know that it will be good for the both of us to get together...just hope he can handle the look of me.  He has been through an emotional roller coaster just like the rest of us and no matter how old you get, you don't want to see your family sick.  We are close as siblings but became a lot closer after my father died.  I think we both realized that family is the most important thing and that we have to always be here for one another, no matter what!  I am so excited to see him!

But before my brother comes, my sister is planning to visit!

For any of you who know Britt, she is usually good at keeping a secret but for some reason she couldn't keep this one!  She knew that I didn't have anyone coming for my next treatment so she has decided to come.  She was going to surprise me but with my reaction to her last surprise visit, I think she wanted to save me the heart failure. LOL  Looking forward to seeing her too!  She is still dealing with losing mom and my illness and I think it will be good for her to be close to me for the next little while.  Even though I won't be much company for the first few days!  I hope that we will be able to talk and get though some of this pain together. 

So, it looks like the fall is really picking up for visitors!!  Can't wait to see everyone because it just means one day closer to finishing these treatments! 

Be strong, be positive and pray for me!

Two Down Four To Go!!

Well, another treatment over with and it was a bit better this time.

The doctors tried me on a trial drug for nausea.  It gave me the worst headache I ever had in my life but I didn't vomit.  Had a lot of dry heaves which I think can be just as bad as vomiting.  Anyway, not sure if I will do it again next treatment or suffer though being sick.

My best friend Cara was here for a week, which is why I haven't been writing.  We have been that busy running around!  Just the way I like it...can't handle the cabin fever thing!  Not too sure Cara was able to keep up with me.  She thought she was coming here to clean my house and rub my back when I got sick...instead we hit a good shoe deal at the mall, got some clothes for the kids and their Halloween costumes!  Busy, Busy!!  Miss her like crazy now though!  We had some good laughs, cried a bit and watched numerous episodes of Long Island Medium!  We are so going to see her....Debbie is coming too!  When I am up for traveling, Teresa Caputo is on my bucket list!

Still waiting on my wig...which has been a big disappointment.  It was a week late and when I went to try it on, they sent the wrong color. Bluh!!!  It was this grey washed out blonde ashy tone wig.  Not at all what I ordered.  So they said it should be here today.  I am feeling way too dizzy and blurry to be going to see if my wig is in.  I'll just wait for their call.  Although I do need it...pretty bald!  Jason just said that I look like I shaved the sides of my head bald and left the faux hawk look down the back...only thing...the faux hawk is bald in spots!  I feel now when I take a shower, I have fist fulls of hair, although it's short but still coming out in hand fulls!  I have to wear my beeny hat now because my head is so cold!

Funny, I always thought I would have a problem losing my hair but I seem to be dealing with it quite well.  I think it's because I did it in stages.  I would recommend that to anyone going through this.  I found it helped the kids to cope a bit better too.  Cole came home from being in Barrie all weekend to seeing a much balder me and all he wanted to do was touch my head to see how soft it was.  Keil is adjusting well too.  It's taking him a bit longer but he is getting there.  They are great kids!  Love them so much :)

 Just got word that my mother's sister is not doing well and I would like to send out a big prayer for her!  Love you aunt Linda.  Feel better!

Friends and Family

Sorry for not writing in so long.  My computer has been down all week...and trust me, I have been going crazy without it!

Lots of things happening this week!  My sister in law, Debbie, left on Monday night.  Wow, didn't realize how much I missed her until she was gone!  Like I said before, we had a blast together and she made me laugh out loud and hard every day!  She was a huge help when she was here and all of us miss her dearly. 

Tuesday I went to my Look Good Feel Better program that was put on my volunteers at the hospital.  It's part of the Breast Cancer Association and it's free to women recently diagnosed with cancer.  When I arrived, there were 9 chairs and only 4 left.  Looking around the room, I realized how strong women are and how Breast Cancer affects so many!  I was the youngest participant but still felt like I belonged.  The program was informative and I got lots of free makeup and other beauty supplies.  But, I think my angels had other reasons for me to be there that day.   I was lucky enough to meet a girl around the same age as me (we were the only two in our 40's) and we chatted after the class for almost 1 hour.  She is HER2+ as well as Progesterone and Estrogen positive, just like me.  The only difference is that her tumor was smaller than mine and she only had one lymph node positive out of 13.  So, she is only being treated with Chemo and does not require Radiation.  We hit it off right from the beginning and have been texting each other every day since.  I even managed to go to her last treatment to sit with her for a bit.  She is super strong...single mom with two kids and struggling with a recent breakup.  I can see, that we are going to be friends for a very long time!

I am feeling really good!  I have all my energy, no nausea but I am losing my hair.  I have been on the go all week and feel wonderful!  I called my nurse yesterday to see if I might be able to get a new nausea drug for my next treatment.  She was going to look into it and let me know today.  While on the phone with her, I took the opportunity to ask for my MRI results from last week.  Brace yourself.....there was NO CANCER on my liver!  Yay!!!!   You don't even know how happy I was to hear that!  I cried, jumped up and down and got on the phone to call my family and friends!  It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders!  Now I am positive that my treatments are only an insurance policy!!!  Best news EVER!!!

My best friend since childhood is coming on Sunday to stay with me for the week.  Cara and I have been best friends since we were 7 and 8.  One day I was looking for someone to play with and my mother said, "why don't you call the little Logan girl down the road?"  Now, a lot of you don't know that I lived in a small rural community in Nova Scotia.  So, our closest neighbor was about a mile away....except for family.  So, Cara was my mile away neighbor.  I made the call and we have been besties ever since.  We have done everything together!  I even worked for her when I graduated from my hairdressing course.  She has always been there for me and I for her.  I can't wait for her to get here!  Jason has to go on training next week in the states so it's perfect timing for her to come.  She will be here for my next treatment and will probably be the one to shave my head!  It's going to be an interesting week!

Still missing my Mom everyday!  I think about her non stop and wish that she was here with me, physically!  I picked up the phone to call her yesterday and realized that one, my phone wasn't working yet, and two, she wouldn't be home to take my call! :(    I know she is with me because when I was lying in bed the other night, I could smell her.  Strange, I know but I really believe that if you want to see someone bad enough, then you will experience them.  Just like a few years ago, I was missing Dad like crazy.  I couldn't stop thinking of him for days.  I ended up having a dream about him and he held out his hand to take mine.  In my dream, I could actually feel the roughness of his hand.  I could feel the callus' and I could smell him.  It was the closest feeling I had since he passed.  

Everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!  Enjoy your time with friends and family....hold them close and tell them that you love them!

Be strong, be positive and pray for me!

Positivity Is The Key!

Had my MRI yesterday.  Results here in a week.

They had to do an MRI because they found two spots on my liver and just want to make sure that it's not the cancer spreading.  Puft...cancer spreading...are they crazy?  I don't have cancer anymore...all this Chemo and Radiation is just an insurance policy! 

Since the beginning of all this, I have maintained a positive outlook which I think is so important.  I often hear of people finding out they have cancer and just hiding away and slipping into a depression.  I can see how that can easily happen but I think if you do that, the cancer will thrive on your system being low and just take over.  I really do believe that your mind plays a huge role in your progress and healing.  I think the mind is way more powerful than we give it credit for. 

Instead of looking at it like...man, I was sick for 5 days and still not feeling 100%...I look at it like...I was only sick for 4 or 5 days and then was able to start doing things that I like again...and now I have two whole weeks of feeling 90%...tomorrow is going to be better than today....and I can handle being sick for 4 or 5 days once a month....it's only 6 or 7 months of my life!  Sorry that was a ramble but I think you get my point!  Positive, Positive, Positive! :)

One more thing...just want to thank all of my friends for participating in "Run for the Cure" this weekend!  I am truly honored and very humble that you would take time out of your busy schedules to run for me!  I am blessed to have such a wonderful group of friends and family!  Love you all <3