What A Year!

It's amazing when you look back on a year and see how far you have come, how many things have changed and how YOU have changed as a person!

It was a year ago today that Jason found a lump in my right breast.  I remember that moment like it was yesterday!  When he brought it to my attention, I cried like a baby.  It was all that I could do! Thinking that cancer has always been a part of my life...like so many others effected by this terrible disease, I was scared to think that it could possibly be happening to me.  I wasn't even 40 yet!  I'm not saying that once you hit 40 you should expect for bad things to happen, but I did think, I am too young for this to be happening to me!  I remember all the thoughts that raced through my mind...is this really going to be cancer, what if I don't survive, how will my boys grow up without me, how will Jason move on without me?  These were all questions that went through my mind as I made the call to my doctor. 

You never expect bad things to happen to you.  You feel bad for the people that have shit luck and you hope that you never have to experience half the things that others do.  But that is not the way that life works!  We all, at some point, will lose a loved one, will be sick and think that you will never get better...but we do, we get better, we get over losing someone..as a race, we are resilient to our environment.  We all know that life goes on and that you just have to pull your boots up and trudge on!  I realize that it is really hard to get past some things in your life, trust me, I have been there more times than I care to note.  But in the end, we all get through it...with love and guidance from loved ones or by just having a good friend to vent to. 

If I look back on my year and you told me that I was going to make it through the other side, stronger, more knowledgeable, more loving and caring, and healthier, I would have thrown my hands up and said, you are crazy!  I could never get through all that!  Trust me, there were days that I wanted to curl up in a ball and just hide until it was all over, but I knew that if I did that, darkness would take over and I would be one lost soul.  I knew that for me and my family, I had to face this head on and tackle it to the ground, kick it to the curb and jump with victory!  Which is what I did! 

I would never wish this past year on my worst enemy, nor would I change a thing....it has made me stronger, more patient, happier, proud and has also reminded me not to take a single day for granted!  Love the people that love you and forget the ones that don't.  For life is way to short to waste any time on things that don't make you happy.

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for all those that let darkness knock and their door.

On The Road To Reconstruction!

The next stop in this journey is reconstruction...and it is a huge part of the recovery process!

As I told you all before, I met with my surgeon last month to discuss a referral to a plastic surgeon for reconstruction and to remove my other breast and reconstruct that as well.  I still haven't heard from the doctor on an appointment.  I thought I would start the process of seriously investigating all my options for surgery.  Wow, there is a lot of information out there...seems like anything is possible!!  But then you talk to other patients who get information from their doctors that tell them, you are limited.  Ugh...not something you want to hear after surviving breast cancer. 

You just want your body back!  You want to feel like a woman again and feel sexy...but why do we put such labels on ourselves?  Society makes such an effort to show us what is "normal", what is "womanly", and what is "sexy"...and in every media forum you will see beautiful women with beautiful breasts.  Whether they are average, big or small.  You don't often see an ad with a woman after breast cancer.  Why is that?  Why do they not chose women that have suffered through this terrible disease?  We should all be celebrating them!! Is it because we are not perfect now...that somehow breast cancer has tarnished us.  We are all women that want to feel "normal", "womanly" and "sexy" again...but is it a breast that will make us feel that way?  It's sad to say, but I think it is.  I think that by having both breasts, you feel better about yourself.  I recently bought a new bra with a prosthesis built in and I haven't taken it off...well, to wash it..but I wear it everyday because it makes me feel better.

I wish that people could accept you for having one breast...but even a breast cancer patient that I met said to me..."I am going into surgery and making them remove both breasts...after seeing you with one just hanging,  I wouldn't feel beautiful".  Made me a little upset, of course it would...my first thought was, so you don't think I am beautiful?  Really...why would someone say that...especially someone that is going through the same thing as you?  You would think that they would use as much compassion with you as you show them.  I just think that some people say things and don't really realize what is coming out of their mouth.  Not that I expect everyone to tip toe around me because they are scared they might say "the wrong thing" and hurt my feelings.  But I do expect you to use "human" judgement when speaking to me.

Anyway, kind of got off track there...sorry! :)  So, back to reconstruction...I contacted my referral doctor's office to see when I could expect my consultation appointment but I haven't heard back from them.  Apparently, I could be waiting 3-4 months before I hear of my appointment date....then another 3 months for the actual appointment and then 3-4 months before surgery.  A long lengthy process but it's a part of this journey where I can make most of the decisions. 

That's about it for now...Herceptin on June 6th...and getting excited to be going home this summer!

Stay positive, be strong and continue to pray! :)

Oh The People You Meet!

Had my appointment today with my Oncologist...this was my follow up after finishing treatment.  I am scheduled to meet with her every 15 weeks.  Seems like a long time, especially when you have tons of questions all the time! LOL

I had my blood work done, met with my Oncologist and had my Herceptin.  It was a long day at the hospital....I kind of forgot what a day at the hospital was like! :)  My doctor was so happy to see me "looking so good!" She even rubbed my head for good luck!  She said that I look better than most people at this point in their treatment.  It was so nice to hear!  She also told me the results from my heart scan last week.  They were great!  I guess all the cardio exercise I am doing is really helping!  All in all, it was a great appointment! 

I had a lot of questions for her and she told me to just go and live my life!  Don't think about the cancer that I had, and don't be focused on what I should or shouldn't be doing!  I told her that I am hearing all kinds of different things from other cancer patients...like, eliminate hormone injected foods, eliminate parabens (such as deodorant)...stay away from sugar....she told me to stop listing to other people and just live my life....enjoy my life!  Those were the best words I have ever heard!  She also said that I am well beyond my way to health and that I am doing awesome!!  I love it!!! 

Before I met with the doctor, I had 1.5 hours to kill.  Instead of going across the road to the mall and doing a little shopping, I chose to stay at the hospital and play games on my phone.  While sitting engrossed in my game of sudoku, I noticed an elderly lady looking in my direction.  I thought, "oh no...hope this isn't someone that is going to sit there for the next hour giving me the sympathetic eye!"   Then she got up and started walking towards me and proceeded to sit down next to me.  We ended up talking for over an hour!  What a fabulous lady!  She immigrated from Germany many years ago at 18.  She was diagnosed with liver cancer and had a tumor that was wrapped around one of her arteries.  She has been going through chemo since last year and her tumor had shrunk but then started to grow again.  She was getting a progress report today. 

We chatted like she was my grandmother and I her daughter!  We laughed, teared up, and shared our stories.  She said to me "I just had to come over here to talk to you...you are so beautiful, your skin is so radiant, your hair is beautiful and thick."  She said that she told her husband, "there is something about that young girl that I just need to talk to her...she looks so friendly and happy!"  Funny, when she first came over to me she asked me where I got my hair done...I told her it was compliments of Credit Valley Hospital! LOL  She thought I was waiting for someone...she said I didn't look like someone going through cancer...I look the picture of health!  WOW....that is totally awesome...because I did go through cancer and I am healthy now...I guess it shows! :)

Anywho....it pays to take a moment to sit and relax...you never know who you might meet!  Oh and her name is Segrite (Sp?) pronounced Secret!  Totally love her...before I left the hospital I popped in to see her getting chemo and she told me her progress report was good...the tumor shrunk again!  Yay for my friend Secret...73 years young and a little trooper!

Next appointment is June 6th for my Herceptin.

Be positive, be strong and please pray for my new friend Secret...I know that's not how you spell it...but that's how you say it! :)

Happy Mother's Day!

Well this is a really hard day for me.  I am trying to be happy for the boys but I can't stop thinking of Mom.  I miss her more everyday and I feel like a little piece of my heart breaks every time I think of her. 

Mom was my best friend!  I often think of her and wish that she was there for me to call.  It has been such a tough year for me and trying to move through it without my Mom was one of the hardest things.  I thought we would travel this journey together...she promised me that she would be there for me after my surgery.  She told me that whenever I felt that I needed to call, she would be there.   But then God took her from me...I guess he thought that she would better serve me from above then here, next to me!  I remember just after my surgery when it was time to take off the bandages and remove some of my staples...I cried so hard at the sight of me...Mom hugged me close and told me it was going to be alright.  She told me that I was still beautiful and that she couldn't imagine her life without me.   Then she said, if God could take me and spare you from all this, I would want that.  God I wish she didn't say that!

Mom was here for me during my surgery and I had her for two weeks after...oh to have those moments back again.  To tell her how much I love her and that I couldn't imagine my life without her.  Little did I know that I would be faced with continuing my life without her.  I would tell her that she didn't need to worry about me, I would be ok.  That I would be strong and get through this...that I would stay positive and fight till I couldn't fight no more. 

I know that Mom is watching over me...that she is loving me and guiding me everyday.  I know that she would be proud of the woman I have become.  I can truly say that I am who I am because of my Mom...seeing her go through so much pain and suffering in her life made me the strong woman that I am today.  Seeing my Dad fight through his illness has made me the fighter that I am today.  I owe my existence to my wonderful parents...they raised me to be all I can be!  I couldn't ask for better parents!

Happy Mother's Day Mom...I love and miss you with all my heart!

If Roses grow in Heaven
Lord, please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

Yikes, It's Been So Long!

I've been reminded by quite a few people that I haven't blogged in quite some time.  So I thought I would sit in a quiet area of the house (which is hard to find these days :) and write a little update!  Wow, I didn't realize how many people I actually touch with my blog!  The emails and text messages have been overwhelming!  I guess I better make it a point to write something, even if I don't think it's worth writing...people want to know...and I love that! :)

I will begin by telling about my appointment with my awesome surgeon, Dr. Niaz!  I met with him for a follow up after radiation...which was a couple of weeks ago.  He was so happy with my progress and made it a point to tell me constantly how well I have been dealing with all of this.  I am not sure how you are supposed to deal with it...but if staying positive, planning the future and laughing about it is considered dealing with it well...then I will have to agree with him...I am dealing with it well! He looked my radiated skin over and was super impressed with how well it looked and felt.  I guess the 3 jars of cream made a huge difference! LOL  I tried hard to put it on three times a day during my radiation.  I think it made all the difference in the world!  

After much discussion, we decided that we would take my other breast during the reconstruction surgery.   I'm really nervous about the reconstruction.  Dr. Niaz feels that I will only be able to have the TRAM surgery or LAT, but after speaking with another Breast Cancer survivor, she told me to wait to see plastics as they may decide differently after seeing my skin.  So, Dr. Niaz has sent through a referral to Sunnybrook Women's Hospital in Toronto.  He said that it will take approximately 3-4 months before I get my consultation and then another 3 months before surgery.  Absolutely crazy to think I could be finished all this in another 6-8 months!!  I am still waiting for the phone call to tell me when my appointment will be.

I am still trying hard to get my weight off...making some progress but it's slow...as anyone in menopause can relate!  I power walk everyday, do Pilates and weight training.  I usually take Sunday off so I don't feel like all I do is exercise.  Since I finished Chemo, I have lost 10lbs...which most of that was steroids and drugs.  I just have to try to get used to a new shape and a new body overall.  It's the toughest part of healing!  Feeling like you are busting your ass to workout and see only slow results.  I guess I should be happy that I am seeing results at all.  Some women that are on Tamoxifen say that they gain between 30 and 50lbs!  I'll keep on truckin'!  LOL

Appointments coming up:
Heart Scan - tomorrow
Herceptin - May 16th
Dermatologist - June 4th (to assess my Rosacea)

Stay positive, be strong and continue to pray for all of the women, men and children that are dealing with this dreadful disease!

What is our purpose?

Do you ever wonder what your purpose in life is?  Do you ever think that you will never find what it might be? 

I just watched an inspiring story on W5.  It was about Spencer West and his drive to use his disability to help raise money to help support sustainable water initiatives in Kenya.  What a dynamic personality!  He lost both his legs when he was 5 and lived his life adjusting to his environment and to the stares from people that didn't understand his plight.  He climbed Mount Kilimanjero, with his two friends, dealing with the elements, with the changes in altitude...fighting breathing issues....yet, it was his friends that got sick from the climb and it was Spencer that coached them on.  When they reached the summit, they collapsed with complete exhaustion but with such pride and joy!  It was so inspiring!

What are we all doing with our lives?  I know I feel at times like I am just living each day like a robot...getting up and having my coffee...getting the kids up and ready for school, cleaning my house, making supper, doing home work, lazing in front of the TV then collapsing in bed....just to wake and do it all over again.  I just feel that after facing the challenges that I did this past year, I should have this life altering ah ha moment!  The last 9 months have been such a blur for me.  Both Jason and I feel that we were just going through the motions...almost like traveling though a fog.  Dealing with what doctors had to say to us, dealing with the side effects...just dealing with things!  But now, I am wondering why I haven't made more of an effort to make crucial changes to my life.  I know it's hard to make changes, but I am almost disappointed with myself for falling back into the same routine that I had prior to my diagnosis.

What was I put on this earth to do?  Was I put here to only be a good wife, loving mother and devoted friend or was I meant to do something more?  There are so many things that I would love to do but I don't feel that I could even attempt them.  I just feel that I should be doing more in the world...more with my life...this precious life that God has given me!  What if God was to take me in the next 5 years...would I be happy with all that I have done...would I have any regrets?  I think I would...I think we all would!  I don't want to leave this world without changing some things, without doing some things and without finding what I was put here for...I know, such a deep question!  Will we ever truly know what God had planned for us, why He gave us life...why He can take it away in an instance.

During my journey, so many people sent me messages using words to describe me...courageous,  inspirational, graceful, strong, amazing...  I wish I could inspire myself...I wish I was strong enough to challenge myself more...I wish I could be happy with what I have and not want more....but I do want more!  More time to find out my purpose, more love to share, more strength to give, more wisdom to pass on to my kids. 

Things I learned this past year...true friends and family will be there for you no matter what.   You CAN be strong when faced with what you thought would be the end of you.  If your feeling down and out...tomorrow is a new day.  There are people dealing with bigger problems then you...And the most important thing I learned this year...that I love my life and I am not any where near leaving!

I know this blog is a little deep and might be confusing, but I know what I am trying to say in my head...just sometimes it's hard to get out in words!

 

A Little Bit of This and That!

Well, I made an appointment with my GP to investigate the pain that I have been having in my upper stomach.  She looked me over and is sending me to a GI Specialist.  She also gave me a prescription for heartburn medication.  She said that you can have heart burn that doesn't necessarily come up your throat, but stays in your stomach region.  I spoke with one of my Chemo nurses yesterday about it and she said if the meds don't help in a week max, to make another appointment and get checked out.

I had my Herceptin yesterday and I had to take the boys with me...their first time seeing me get treatment.  I love my boys!!  They were so good, sitting quietly, asking the nurses what they were doing to me and how things work.  Keil must have asked a million questions while Cole was a little squeamish at the sight of my blood in the needle.  I know that being so young and seeing their mother go through Breast Cancer is not the optimum life experience, but I do think this will shape them to be compassionate and empathetic men when they grow up!

I am sure everyone has been watching the news lately and heard about the Chemo patients that received watered down Chemo.  My first thoughts when I heard this was, "my God, those poor people"...then I realized that this could be me!  (I still don't think of myself as having Cancer)  While at the hospital, I asked my nurses if this could have happened here.  Although it could, it's unlikely because they mix the Chemo there, at my hospital.  They don't order it from an outside source.  This is why my hospital, Credit Valley is one of the top Cancer hospitals in Ontario!  So, looks like all is good with my Chemo administration!!

I am writing this in bed and watching Jason sleep beside me...this man is so awesome!  He has been beside me throughout this whole ordeal and has never once displayed a selfish attitude.  He is always getting me things, asking if I am ok, making sure I have what I need to be comfortable.  We often talk about how this past year has been such a blur for the two of us.  Recently, I put together a list of the trips to the hospital in the past 8 months...it really opened our eyes to what we have been through...brought it into perspective.   When you get married and say your vows, you never think that you will have to deal with the "in sickness or health"...other than, getting a bucket for your partner after a night of partying!  Well, we really lived those vows this past year and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else!

My next appointments are Herceptin on April 26 and my Heart Scan on May 8.  On a side note, my skin is looking much better and healing quite nicely from the radiation burn.  I am still putting my cream on twice a day!  Overall, feeling great! :)

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for those fighting the good fight!