Port-A-Cath

So, I am sitting here resting after having my Port-A-Cath inserted.  Might I say, that it was one of the worst things I have ever experienced!  Jason said on the way to the hospital "I think you are more nervous about this then you were having your breast off".  ...and I was.  I am just so tired of being poked, being uncomfortable and feeling pain.  I guess since we are just starting all this, I will have many more pokes, days of being uncomfortable...but hopefully no pain.

We arrived at CVH for 9:30am and went to Diagnostic Imaging in the Cancer Unit.  I only sat for a couple of minutes and they came to get me ready for the procedure.  Once we got into the surgical room, the doctor came to discuss the procedure with me....and let me tell you, it wasn't sounding so pleasant!  He asked me if I had any questions and all I could think of was "can you knock me out now before poking me with a needle?"...and "how long have you been doing this?"...WTF?  "How long have you been doing this?"  Geeze Louise...now I am worried about the ability of the doctors?!

Anyway, after all the nurses stopped laughing and the doctor composed himself...(I guess they don't get too many people asking them that),  the nurses started to get me ready for the procedure.  It seemed like it took forever before the doctor came back...hope I didn't offend him!  Anywho, they sanitized the area, put blankets all over me and then stood around and talked about moving and how much work it is to pack a house.  Oh, I just wanted to get it over with and the waiting was the most agonizing thing ever!!  Finally the doctor came in and started.  He first put a needle in my neck to help him find the main artery that he was going to put the lead from the Port into.  You can only imagine the pain I felt!  When he injected the solution from the needle the stinging was unbearable and I cried like a baby and screamed like a 2 year old!  Then finally, the freezing started to set in.  Then he injected another needle into the site where the Port was to go.  I was awake for the whole procedure (I guess the medicine was supposed to make me sleep).  He injected me once more with something else and it hurt like crazy again.  I guess it was more freezing but it didn't really work because I felt him stitching me up.  After the procedure, the nurses cleaned me up and took me to a recovery area.  Jason and I were the only ones there, so that was nice to have the quiet.  Finally the medicine kicked in and I fell asleep for about 1/2 hour.  They woke me up and told me I could go home after 45 mins in recovery.

We were home around noon and I slept for most of the afternoon.  I am still feeling tired and sore.  They left an IV needle (coming from the Port) so that the nurses can access my Port easily tomorrow morning.  Not looking forward to tomorrow morning...but also looking forward to it!  I just figure the sooner we get started, the sooner this will be over with!  So, I see my doctor at 9:15am and will begin Chemo after that.  Until tomorrow....

Be strong, stay positive and pray for me!

Friday It Is!!

This keeps getting better and better...not!! 

Yesterday, I had a follow up appointment with my Oncologist to review my test results from last week.  The heart scan showed that I am functioning normally with an Ejection fraction of 65% (which normal healthy adults have between 50% - 65%).  So I guess that means my heart will withstand the injections of Herceptin.  They will still do a heart scan every couple of months to make sure that doesn't change too much.  Results from my CT scan weren't so favorable.  The scan showed two "complex cystic lesions" on my liver.  Now I already have an hemangioma that they are watching every couple of years but now it appears that I have two other structures that they are concerned about.  One measures 1.4cm and the other is 1.2cm.  Not to say this is cancer but they are sending me for an MRI next week to help determine what exactly these things are.  Once again, I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. 

I find it sometimes hard to deal with all this.  To be totally honest, I am scared shitless! (spell check says that is not a word...but I am going to use it because that's what a MacKeil would do) LOL  I try to be strong everyday and make my life as normal as possible.  I try to take it one day at a time but often find myself looking at the big picture...and not necessarily liking what I see.  But, then something slaps me in the face (could be both Mom and Dad) and tells me "stop being so foolish" and "stop thinking that way"! 

A little side note, on my way home from the hospital (I was alone because Jason figured it would be just reviewing things and we both thought he didn't need to be there) I cried and prayed to Mom and Dad to help protect and save me from all this.  I asked them to give me a sign that everything was going to be ok.  When I got home and had my 1/2 hour cry...I looked out my window and there it was...my sign...a big beautiful rainbow.  For any of you that don't see the significance in that.  When my father died, his mother (my grandmother) looked out her window and a big rainbow was over our property.  So she knew that he had passed.  Also, when Dad was really sick, he would look out the front window and when he saw a rainbow, he would comment on how beautiful it was and would ask me to take a picture.  So, rainbows are very special to me and my siblings.  It's our way of knowing that our Dad (and now Mom) are with us.  Oh, and yesterday was 14 years since Dad passed.  I feel like I had multiple signs yesterday!  So, all that being said, once again, I pull up my boots and trudge on...come hell or high water, I am going to get through this...or a least give the fight of my life trying! 

I asked my Oncologist yesterday..."what are my chances, given all that you are seeing in these tests and reports?"...she responded, "you are going to be fine...it's not going to be easy, but you are going to be fine".  She just wants to find out what these "suspicious, complex lesions" on my liver are, then she can take care of things as need be.

So, now for the rest of the week!  Tomorrow morning I go to get my Port-A-Cath inserted.  They are going to give me a drug that just makes me "unaware" of what is going on.  Can they give me that drug for the next year?...just a thought! :)  The original plan was to give my Chemo immediately after the insertion but they feel that things might run behind and rather than being rushed, they figure that it would be better to wait until Friday; which Friday was my day of choice for Chemo.  I figure that Jason is taking my Chemo days off and then he will be home with me for probably my two worst days before he has to go back to work.  So Friday, September 21st, it is!!

Be strong, stay positive and keep praying for me!  Love you all!! <3

Just Thinking!!

Awww, the beginning of another week!

Sitting here on my front porch just thinking about what this week will bring and wishing that Mom was here with me.  I've really started to feel the effects of Mom not being here.  I said it was a little easier for me because I am away from home so it's not in front of me everyday but that is not true.  I actually think that because I am away, it's going to take me longer to get over.  To me, it's just like we haven't talked in a while.  That both our lives are so busy that we haven't had the time to call and catch up.  Numerous times, I have thought of calling and realize, after picking up the phone, that she isn't going to answer on the other end.  It's hard to think that she is not going to be the voice of reason on the phone.  That she is not going to be the one to tell me it's going to be alright and tomorrow is another day.  As the days go on and I get closer to receiving my treatment, I miss her more and more.  I know she would say, you're gonna make it...you're still beautiful...you are strong, but sometimes, I just need to hear her voice actually say it.

You know, looking back, I wish that I told her more often that I really loved her.  I said it to her every time I talked to her but it was out of habit.  That sounds a little harsh but it's true.  How often do we tell someone we love them...like our parents, our brothers, sisters or husbands/wives?  We say it everyday and we certainly mean it...but does it come out as just words or do they actually feel the love coming from our hearts and being spoken on our lips.  I guess some people would say, that is taking the people you love for granted...which I think a lot of us do, in some sort of way.  I just want people to know that when I say I love them, that I mean it from the depths of my heart.  That I would be so sad if they weren't here with me, in this life time.  That's all that I wish Mom could have known.  That I loved her...and I still do, with all my being!

Now, enough with the crying...felt good though!  So this is the week...or so they say.  I have an appointment tomorrow with my Oncologist to discuss the results from my Syma scan and CT scan as well as go over my treatment schedule and get my prescriptions for my nausea medication.  They mentioned to me last week that they could start my Chemo on Thursday after my Port insertion.  I am thinking that might be a good idea.  Each week that goes by, I worry that we are wasting precious time.  I am still 99.9% positive that all the treatment is just an insurance policy...but there is still that 0.1% that thinks that there may be cells that got away.  I figure you have to be somewhat realistic but still stay positive and optimistic.  I am only human...although, some of you, for some unknown reason, think I am Wonder Woman! LOL

Anyway, time to get on with my day...as I am sure all of you do too!

Be strong, stay positive and please pray for me!

Week In Review!

I had a very busy week again!  Not necessarily with appointments but with things I like to do.

On Monday, one of my regular clients came for a visit with her granddaughter.  We sat and had a coffee and got caught up on each others news.  It was so nice to be able to spend that time with her and not worry about finishing up before someone else came. 

Tuesday, I had my Syma scan (Heart).  It was not all that pleasant.  The actual test wasn't much...just lying on a table while a machine took pictures.  It was the injection that didn't agree with me...and the fact that the IV that was put in, left me with a huge bruise.  Through these last few tests, I have determined that I am allergic to the contrast that they are injecting me with.  About 1/2 hour after my scan, my stomach blew up like I was 6 months preggers and it cramped like crazy!  I just made it home in time to go to the bathroom.  I had two full days of running to the bathroom and bad pains and gas in my stomach.  Not fun at all!

Wednesday, I called one of my regular clients.  She has been coming to me for almost 4 years and she is the sweetest lady I know.  I always tell Jason that she reminds me of my grandmother Hadley...and if any of you knew my sweet Mable, you would know how much I loved her and how sweet she was.  She was always laughing and just this cute little lady that you just wanted to squeeze all the time.  Well, Gloria reminds me of her.  She's this tiny package of love!  We had a great chat and I realized during that conversation how good people really are, and how much my experiences have touch them.  Gloria, you're one in a million!

Thursday, I had my CT scan...which again, was not a pleasant test.  On arriving at the hospital, I was given two big cups filled with the most disgusting "juice".  I use the word "juice" very lightly when I am referring to this concoction!  I had another IV put in my arm and my bruise just got bigger...(they are always using my left arm now because they say that I have been "damaged" enough on my right side)...who says that...really?  Anyway, I had to drink this "juice"...did I mention how gross it was...over a 45 minute period.  There was another girl in the waiting area drinking her "juice" too and she was about ready to throw up!  Once my name was called, I was taken into the room with the CT machine.  The technician asked me to put my arms over my head.  Now, I can't put my arm over my head for very long but she seemed to think I could leave it there for the entire test without budging!  WRONG!!!  During the test, I was given a shot of contrast again...this time, the shot made me extremely warm all over (like I mean warm...like I was cooking from the inside out) and made you feel like you were peeing.  Not the most pleasant feeling!!  All I could think of was "great, I just got over the gas, shits and expanded stomach and now I am going to go through it again"...lovely!!   I will spare you all the details of what happened after leaving my test....let's just say before leaving the parking lot, I had to RUN back to the hospital twice!  Not what I wanted considering I was to meet a group of girls for lunch!

So, I managed to hold it together for lunch with a great group of friends.  Funny how we all met...Jason worked with all of them and they became my friends too.  When we first moved here, Jason worked for his uncles company.  It was a small engineering company and all of us would get together after work or after a company ball game, for drinks.  A couple of the girls started coming to me to get their hair done and introduced me to one of the other girls.  Now, there are five of them that keep in contact through facebook or from being my clients...one comes every so often to go through Keil and Cole's clothes, that don't fit them anymore.  They are a great group of girls and I really enjoyed myself...made me kind of forget all that has been going on...even the fact that I had the shits! Sorry for being so candid! 

Yesterday, the kids had a PA day....why do they need a PA day when school just started last week?  Anyway, I took my munchkins shopping and then did some purging at the house.  We are trying to get things "clutter free" before I start my treatments.  Let's just say...it's been interesting!  After spending the afternoon breaking up fights and cleaning, we headed down to Sick Kids for Keil's MRI.  He has a check up every two years for his Chairi Malformation.  He did amazing!  Didn't move one bit...stayed completely still!  Such a brave boy!!  All Cole was worried about was whether or not he would be able to see Selena Gomaz or Justin Bieber!  (He knew they were in town for TIFF) LOL 

Anyway, that was some of my week in review.  I am realizing now that I should be writing more often...because when I wait...I seem to ramble on and on! :)  I am also going to start posting pictures (once I figure out how to do it) so that you can all follow my journey and see how this is affecting me physically.  I am not ashamed to let everyone see...I am not the woman that wears baggy clothes to cover the fact that I am missing a boob, I will not be the woman that always has to wear her wig (I will get one to please Cole) and I am just not the woman who hides because she has cancer.  I don't care if people are uncomfortable...if I still feel beautiful, then why should I hide or be ashamed.  I know people are curious...because so many people are surprised that I look as good as I do...I guess they are expecting to see someone that "looks" like they have cancer...whatever that means!

Stay positive, be strong and please pray for me! <3

Reality!

...sitting here, not quite knowing what to write.

Friday Jason and I had a "group" information session at Credit Valley.  We were there for 1:45 and made our way to the class room.  We walked in and there were two other couples there.  Both couples were easily in their 70's.  As the rest of the attendees arrived, I noticed that I was the youngest member.  I know cancer doesn't discriminate against age, gender or race but to see that I was the youngest really made this all reality. 

First off, the clinical nurse presented the side effects, when to go to emergency and how her team will be able to support us.  Second, the nutritionist came in to speak to us about the obvious but also to tell us how to avoid some of the side effects or at least minimize them through nutrition.  Third, the social worker spoke to us about our feelings, what we might be feeling as we go though this journey, and how her team can help the patient, our caregiver and our family.  Forth, the pharmacist spoke to us about the toxic drugs that will be injected as well as the maintenance drugs.  Finally, the social worker took us all to the Chemo unit.  They have four pods that contain up to 20 reclining chairs.

Walking into the Chemo unit was quite an eye opener.  I guess I could say that it made everything so realistic.  Seeing all the patients that were receiving their treatments and watching them with their families.  Knowing that all these people are sick and fighting so hard to live.  I am one of those patients.

Tomorrow, I have my heart scan.

Be strong, be positive and please pray for me.

Week In Review

Appointments, appointments....and more appointments!  Poor Jason is missing that much work, they are probably wondering if he still actually works there!  He has been great and I am so thankful to have him by my side.

Tuesday's appointment with my Medical Oncologist, Dr. Rajagopal, was good.  She is very friendly and compassionate.  She explained to me the results from my surgery and the reason for needing Chemo.  My cancer is HER2 positive which basically means that a protein is being produced that promotes the growth of cancer cells...making my type of breast cancer aggressive.  A good thing is that my breast cancer is also positive for Progesterone and Estrogen receptors which means the cancer will respond well to treatment.  So, the regimen that Dr. Rajagopal suggests is aggressive and will include....six rounds of Chemo, with treatments being every three weeks.  On the fourth treatment, she will introduce a drug called Herceptin that will be given every three weeks for a year.  She calls this a maintenance drug.

They are going to insert a Port-A-Cath under my skin on September 20th. They will use that for taking blood and administering my Chemo.  This device will help save my veins from the toxins of Chemo.  They will leave it in for a year and continue to administer the Herceptin through it.  The Herceptin has a side effect that could cause problems with the heart, so they have scheduled me for a heart scan next week and will monitor my heart every 2-3 months (while on the drug).

My bone scan came back negative for cancer and my liver looked good but Dr. Rajagopal wants to double check things just to make sure the cancer didn't spread to any organs.  So, she has scheduled me for a CT scan next Thursday.  It will be a scan of my torso so that she can check everything.

Wednesday's appointment with my Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Yuen was good.  He basically said that I would require 5 weeks of radiation, one month after I finish my 6th Chemo treatment.  No serious side effects other than a sunburn (which can be eased with cream) and fatigue.  I will meet with him again closer to the end of my Chemo to get my tattoos and discuss the procedure again.

Today, I met with my surgeon, Dr. Niaz.  It was an appointment that I thought would be pretty routine...check my incision, check the healing, check my mobility....etc.  All that was done but then he told me something that I have a problem with.  Because I am having Radiation, I will not be able to get implants for my reconstruction.  I am quite upset by this and some of you may think I am being foolish.  You see, implants were the solution that was best for me because I don't have enough fat around my middle to create a new breast. (that's where they take the skin and muscle for reconstruction...from your waist) So that wasn't really an option for me.  Plus if I did have enough fat, it is a really invasive surgery.  Not the news I wanted to hear.  I realize it is a long time down the road but it was something I was looking forward to. 

...after all this rant, my Chemo will start on September 18th.  It's going to be a long road, a hard road but hopefully a smooth road!

Please stay positive, be strong and continue to pray for me!

Where To Begin!!

...and so I return! 

It's been a very stressful few weeks for me as well as extremely emotional.  Losing my Mom has been one of the most difficult things to deal with.  I never thought that I would be going through this journey without my Mom by my side.  I always knew that she would be there for me...waiting for my phone call after an appointment, reassuring me that I was going to be ok, and loving me unconditionally.  But sadly, she is not going to be there to share my triumphs with, my progress and my strength.  Mom was taken very suddenly from me on the evening of August 12th.  I spoke to her in the morning; she called to wish Jason a happy birthday.  She had tried to get a hold of us the day before (his actual birthday) but couldn't get through the phone line.  She seemed good when we spoke but didn't want to talk long because she was busy doing some things and said we would talk tomorrow.  I never knew at that moment that tomorrow would never come.  She had a massive heart attack that would take her life and there was nothing any of us could do about it.

After the initial shock, I knew that I had to get home to support my family.  Not once thinking about my illness and what I could be sacrificing by going.  We flew to Nova Scotia the next day and soon the realization that she was really gone started to sink in.  Three weeks have passed since Mom received her angel wings and I have decided that I need to focus on getting better...that is what Mom would have wanted. As hard as it is, to not focus on my loss, I need to pull up my boots and get ready for the next chapter of this crazy life.   I have a message sitting on my answering machine from Mom and I will hear her voice whenever, I need that little pick me up!  She is still cheering me on and helping me to be strong...just in a different way.

So...now to the progress that I have achieved over the past few weeks.  My numbness and tingling has subsided a bit and I have most of the movement back in my arm.  I am strong and feeling great!  I realized that while I was home, hugging/being hugged, and feeling numb from losing my mother, it helped with the therapy on my arm.  I wasn't realizing at the time that I was actually exercising my arm and shoulder, every time I hugged someone...and I hugged a lot of people!   I also realized that having Mom here for two weeks was a real blessing!  So, my cloud does have a silver lining!

I meet with my Oncology Team this week.  Tuesday (my birthday), I will meet with the Medical Oncology doctor that will consult with me regarding my Chemo treatment....Oops, maybe I am getting ahead of myself.  The day that I was flying out to Nova Scotia, my surgeon called with results from my surgery.  I was supposed to have a follow up appointment with him on Thursday, August 16 to discuss my results.  But because I had to call him to see if I could fly after just having my last drainage tube and staples removed  (morning of August 12) he decided he needed to tell me the results on the phone.  My tumor was in fact 2.8cm and the cancer had spread to 2 of 5 lymph nodes.  With those results, it was evident that I would require Chemo and Radiation. 

Now, back to the appointments...so Tuesday...meet with my Medical Oncology doctor, Wednesday...meet with my Radiation Oncology doctor and Thursday...follow up with my surgeon.  All of my appointments will be at Credit Valley Hospital.  I am assuming that after these appointments, I will have my schedule of Chemo and Radiation appointments.   As it stands now, I will be having 4-6 months of Chemo treatments and will lose my hair, followed by one month break and then one month of Radiation everyday (except weekends). 

It's going to be a long hard road but I know that with my strength and positive attitude, as well as the prayers and support from friends and family, I will come through this with flying colors! LOL

Thank you to everyone that has sent cards, flowers, donations, emails and phone calls...I thank you from the bottom of my heart!  I am so blessed to have you all in my life.

Please be strong, stay positive and keep sending those prayers!