Merry Christmas From The Bowens!

Well we made it through the Christmas mayhem!  The kids had a blast and enjoyed all their gifts!   It made my day seeing Cole so excited over his Justin  Bieber "swag" shoes and Keil loving his new 3DS!  It's the type of joy that makes your heart smile when you are just not feeling the best!

Christmas day was a tough day for me.  As much as I loved seeing the kids so excited, my heart was hurting and missing Mom.  I was almost afraid to call home...just to dial the number and know that I wouldn't be talking to her.  Telling her everything the kids got, sharing our morning of laughs and sharing our plans for the day.  She loved Christmas so much and that has certainly rubbed off on me!  I love decorating and buying gifts, wrapping, entertaining...basically, everything to do with the season!  But this year, for obvious reasons, a lot of those things I couldn't do...just wait until next year! :) The call was made and I talked to Allan for quite a while, which ended in tears and a little bit of depression.  Just the fact that we all miss her so much and know that this was our first Christmas without her...makes it really tough!

But, my loving husband came to my side and made me feel better, as he always does!  He wrapped his warm arms around me and held me close until I stopped crying.  I think we both actually cried a little, which just shows how much we appreciate each other and our feelings.  Jason is my savior.   He doesn't read my blog, I think because he worries he might be a blubbering fool.  He is sensitive when he needs to be and very strong most other times.  I don't mind that he doesn't read it...although some days, I wish he did because I often worry that I don't tell him enough how much I appreciate all he is doing for me and our family.

So, I am 6 days post Chemo and feeling better than my last treatment.  I only had to take pain medication once over this phase and I am still continuing my steroids until Saturday.  I have a little pain today in my chest, back and legs and I am still very tried feeling and can only do a little at a time.  But, I feel 100% better than last time...I was in the hospital at this point...so it's got to be better!  Like with all treatments, I feel a little better each day and get a little more energy.  All will be ok in another week!  It just takes time! :) 

Thank you for all the cards, gifts, phone calls, and text messages over the past few days!  I love you all and we appreciate all your kinds words and hope for 2013!  I am so blessed to have you all in my life!



Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for me! xo

5 Down 1 To Go!!!!!

Well, today was a go!  My counts were good, which I knew because I was feeling so good this week!

We arrived at the hospital around 8:30am and did the routine...blood work...wait for results...see nurse and doctor...then upstairs to the Chemo pods.  When talking to the nurse and doctor they told us that they were going to leave my Chemo as is but that I was approved to receive the Neulasta (one shot instead of the seven that I had last time).  My nurse told me that I should have a little easier time with this drug and felt that a lot of the pain I was experiencing last time was from the Neupogen shots.  They also are continuing my steroids for an extra couple of days...and then slowly ween me off.  But because these drugs keep me tossing and turning all night, they also prescribed  me some sleeping pills!  Am I ever going to be high on drugs for the next little while!  Oh, they also gave me some new pain meds too!  Merry Christmas to me!!! LOL

I can't believe that I only have one treatment left!  I never thought this day would come...the excitement that I felt going to the hospital today was overwhelming!  To think that in June, I had so many mixed emotions and felt this was going to be the longest road ever.  Also, after Mom passed, I never thought I would have the strength or determination to make it though my treatment.  Well, I proved myself wrong...I am strong...and more determined than ever to get through the rest of this!  I am so proud of myself...but I couldn't have done it without the support of Jason and the kids!  They really kept me going through all this...seeing how much they love me and how much I mean to them!  It makes my heart smile! <3 :)  My friends...the true friends...have been by my side since the beginning...cheering me on...lifting me up when I needed it...and just being there for me to vent, cry and laugh with!  I couldn't have done it without you!  I watched the X-Factor last night...which I don't often watch but because Marcia and Alvin are here, they wanted to watch the finale.  When the two finalists came on and sang "The Climb", it struck a cord with me.  What a fitting song for my journey!  Have a listen to  My Journey Anthem   "The struggles I'm facing, The chances I'm taking, Sometimes might knock me down, but no, I'm not breaking"!  So true...with all that I was faced with this year...this is so fitting!  Just focusing on getting through day by day!  I remember this summer,  there was a day that I was really upset and Jason sat down next to me and said..."we are going to get through this together!  For every negative comment that comes our way, we are going to grab it, stomp on it, and consider it one step closer to beating this thing!"  He is my rock, my love...and I don't know what I would do without him!  We are climbing this mountain together!

I want to take this time to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and HEALTHY New Year!  My only wish this Christmas is that I will be better next Christmas and that I will be able to enjoy 2013 with a healthier body, mind and spirit!  That my kids and husband will continue to be healthy and that we all cherish each day that we spend together!

My pictures today are of a very happy and overwhelmed Angela...and the cold packs I have to wear during these treatments to help save my nails.  The Taxotere can make your nails...and possibly your teeth fall out.   Jason asked where the cold pack was for my mouth! LOL  Next treatment is scheduled for January 11th! 

 Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for me...I feel the love! :)

Visits From Home!

Feeling much better this week!  Still weak and tired but I can feel that with everyday I get a little bit better! 

I just can't believe that I only have two treatments left!  It seems so crazy!  To think that 6 months ago, I would be in this place, is beyond what I would have ever envisioned.  Living my life like everyone else...working, taking my kids to programs, going out with friends...now, I sit on my ass, my kids aren't in any programs and I can't go out with my friends!  Funny how life can change in an instant!  Never take for granted what you have, for it can be taken from you before you know it!

This week, like I said, has been much better than last week.  My mother's husband (I don't call him my step father because he never had to be a "father" to me) was here for the weekend (while I was in the hospital) and left for home on Monday.  The boys had such a great time with him!  We had some good talks and I think overall, it was something we all needed.  He was such a great support for us...I don't think he even realizes how much he helped out...just to be here for the boys so that Jason could be with me in the hospital, made a world of difference.  I just worry about Allan over the Christmas season.  He loved Mom so much and is so lonely without her....as we all are.  This Christmas is going to be a tough one for all of us!  We have all lost so much this year. 

My in-laws arrived on Wednesday and are here until into January.  They are scheduled to fly out on the 8th of January but since my last treatment date is scheduled for January 11, they may decide to extend their visit a few days.  They are such a big help...although my mother-in-law has a terrible cough that we are concerned she will pass to me!  We are both wearing masks and washing our hands frantically to make sure nothing gets passed to me.  Don't want to delay any treatments! 

Had an appointment on Wednesday with my Radiation Oncologist.  He went over the procedures of radiation and what to expect.  I am scheduled for January 28 to get my "tattoo" (which they refer to as mapping) and a CT scan.  They will get me ready to begin radiation on February 11 (4 weeks after I finish Chemo).  I will have 25 treatments of radiation on both my chest wall as well as under my arm pit.  He went over the risks, side effects (which are minimal compared to what I am experiencing now) and took me on a tour of the area where I will be getting the radiation everyday for 5 weeks!  Again, I can't believe I am getting ready for this next step...seems like it would take forever to get here...but now, it seems like it all passed in a blur...except for the side effects! LOL  The area where I will be going is beautiful!  Each "radiation pod" has an individual waiting area with lockers, a fireplace, lounge area and TV.  I will have my own area each time I go...nothing like style!  I think once radiation starts, I will have to enlist some of my friends to take me down and sit with me.  Each appointment should only be 1.5 to 2 hours.  I just figure that poor Jason can't take everyday off to come with me and one of the side effects is exhaustion so I may be tired to go by myself.  They say the exhaustion doesn't hit you until about week 3 so I guess I will have to rest up for the first two!  Any whooooo....that is what I have been up to this week! 

Looking forward to Christmas and 2013!!

Be strong, be positive and pray for me!

Hospital Bound!

Well, where do I begin!  It certainly has been a very eventful week...and not for the good!

I guess I will start with Wednesday night...I had a really hard time getting settled in for the night.  I was still in a lot of pain and discomfort from the Neupogen shots that I was taking daily and also the mixture of my Chemo drug Taxotere.  Both medications cause pain in the joints, major bones and muscle tissue.  So basically, I am not sure what is left to not have pain! LOL  Any who, back to trying to get settled.  I had received a prescription for Percocets on Monday because the Tylenol 3's just weren't cutting it.  So had taken my Percocet for the night, had my heating pad on my back and my legs elevated to relieve the pressure.  I was feeling really uneasy and not good at all.  Finally got to sleep and woke up around 4am with severe chest pain.  Thought it would go away with another Percocet so took one and it knocked me out until I woke at 7am with the same pain but this time it was radiating to my back and I was clammy with a slight fever. 

Jason got the boys up for school and ready to drop at the neighbors house early and I got up and called my nurse to see what I should do.  She told me to go to the ER.  So we started down to Credit Valley Hospital.  I was in so much pain and I was truly scared.  I thought I was having a heart attack!  It was the worst feeling I can even explain.  We arrived at the hospital and of course there was only one nurse working the ER desk.  After waiting what seemed a life time, she called my name and I quickly explained my situation and she told me to go sit and wait.  WHAT???  Go sit and wait...wait to have a heart attack, wait to catch a flu bug from one of the other infested people in the ER....I think not!  We did sit for a short period of time and they finally took me into a more isolated area where the tests began. 

First they did a EKG to determine whether I was in fact having a heart attack, clear!  So then, they were worried that I had a blood clot.  Apparently when you are on Chemo, the drugs thicken your blood and you are more prone to blood clots....sweet!  Did I mention how much fun all this is?  They had to access my port because they were going to be doing so many tests and rather than poke me multiple times, the port access, makes it a one time deal...or so I thought.  The nurse that accessed it the first time, didn't have a clue what she was doing.  You see, when you access my port, you are to drive the needle into the port like a dart...no pussy footing around.  Well, she proceeded to go very slow and tried to tell me that the pain I was feeling from that was because my port was "swollen".  Seriously....my port sticks out of my chest because it's supposed to!  Good God!!  Anyway, she finally got it in and started many "good" drugs which enabled me to sleep for a while.  They then ordered a chest x-ray and abdominal x-ray (to ensure no blockage).  Then I was sent for a CT of my heart.  Once in the CT area, one of the nurses told me I had the wrong port access in and it needed to be changed.  I let her change it and she knew what she was doing.  All tests came back clear so they contributed it to my system being very sensitive to this last treatment.  Apparently all the drugs and shots can cause a lot of pain in your sternum which can make you feel like you are having a heart attack.  NICE!!!  Two more "feelings" of a heart attack to endure!

They decided it was best at this point to admit me because I was still in pain, still had a fever and my blood counts were dangerously low.  It was no time at all that I had a private room in the Oncology unit.  It was a beautiful room and in a very quiet part of the hospital.  I was prepped with a cathater in my arm to administer a very stinging pain medication though needle.  I let them give me the needle 4 times and then cut them off, I couldn't take it any more.  Now please don't think that I am a wimp...at this point, I have been in so much pain I would think that I could take anything but this shot was very painful...it took away the pain quite nicely but the actual shot was to be desired!  I had numerous shots given in my abdomen...a couple with a blood thinner and my two remaining shots of Neupogen.  I slept on and off on Thursday night and was awaken early by the on call Oncologist.  He told me that my blood counts were slowly coming up but they wanted to keep me another night...and the fact that I was still having chest pains, he thought it best that I stay.  Friday night, I slept really well and was feeling well enough Saturday to be released.

So, now my next treatment is scheduled for December 21 and the doctors are going to tweek my treatment and my pain medications.  Hopefully with those changes and possibly switching from 7 Neupogen shots to 1 Neulasta shot, will make a difference.  Whatever happens, it will be one more down and one more to go!  Yay for me!!!  I am almost there!!!  Yes, it has been a VERY tough road and it's not over but I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel!  I am feeling very excited to see what 2013 has in store for me!

I have a couple of pictures of my venture in the hospital and will post them when Jason get's home (they are on his phone).  He wanted to take pictures of me in the ER but I was in no mood! :)

Anyway...you know the saying...be strong, be positive and please, please, please continue to pray for me!

Oh The Pain!

Had my 4th treatment on Friday and made it through ok.  Started my Neupogen injections yesterday and I am in so much pain I don't know what to do with myself.  My hips, lower back, knees and ankles are killing me.  I can take Advil and Tylenol 3 for the pain so started with the Advil because Tylenol 3 tends to constipate people...which is a lovely side effect of Chemo to begin with.   I have a heating pad on my lower back and my feet elevated to try to alleviate some of the pain and discomfort.  I can't even begin to tell you how uncomfortable I am right now.  The doctors warned me that this treatment would be more pain then nausea, which is so true.  I kind of think I would rather the nausea...at least it only lasted a few days.  I am so worried this pain is going to last for the full 7 days of injections and to top it all off, the nurses are only coming in one more day to show me how to give myself the injection!  It just keeps getting better and better!!  Ugh!

On a high note...#4 is complete and only two left.  I am always trying to stay so positive and look at the brighter side of things but it's a little hard with the pain.  I can't even imagine how some people deal with chronic pain...it must be so debilitating.

I started my Herceptin this treatment (because of being HER2+) and am scheduled for a heart scan tomorrow.  Herceptin is the drug that I will be taking for a year from now, every three weeks for 30 minute infusions.  The Herceptin can have a very serious side effect.  It can damage the heart and its ability to pump blood effectively.   The damage can be mild and result in either no symptoms or signs of mild heart failure, like shortness of breath. Less commonly, the heart damage is bad enough that people experience life-threatening congestive heart failure or a stroke.  Because of these possible side effects, the doctors will do a heart scan every three months to monitor my hearts ability to pump blood efficiently.  If they see any cause for concern they will stop the Herceptin and introduce heart strengthening drugs to help repair any damage. My last heart scan in September showed very good results with my heart pumping at a rate of 65% which is normal.

So, number 4 down and two to go...I am starting to feel like I am truly making it through all this...but only with the love and support from friends and family!  Couldn't do it without you!!

Be strong, be positive and continue to pray for me...especially that this pain will go away!

Just A Thought

At the beginning of all this, I never imagined that I would make it through to this point.  I felt like my world was tumbling down and after Mom died I realized that there was no where but up for me!  I kind of think that some of the things that have happened to me this year, have made me stronger and more of a fighter.  I feel like I want to prove something to me and everyone else.  Whether it's a stubborn streak in me or just the fighter, I want to show people that no matter what life throws you, you have to make the most of it.

Make the most of it?  Really??  How do you make the most of Cancer or losing important people in your life?  Well, I have had so much time to sit and ponder things that I realize what is important at this point in my life.  It's the little things, the people that are here now, thinking of what the future holds and all the memories of the past, that I have.  A lot of people go through life worrying about things they can't change, prioritizing jobs and success at the top of their list and living like robots.  Getting up each day, getting ready for work, going to work, coming home full of stress, yelling at their kids, yelling at their husband/wives, watching mindless television in silence and then going to bed...only to start it all over again the next day.  If those people would just slow down their lives and really dissect each moment, they would realize that all the things that they are doing, don't "really" count.  What counts is being able to get up each morning, appreciating your family and friends, and keeping those people at the top of your priority list.  Saying "I love you" to your husband and kids, not because it's habit but because your heart would be empty if they weren't here with you.   I don't really know where I am going with this, I just felt I needed to write it.

So Friday is #4...who would have thunk it?  I look back and think of how I was feeling in June when I first found the lump.  I was scared and weak with emotion.  I thought, this is going to be a long, hard road.  Look at me now, at treatment 4 and feeling not so bad!  This treatment will be with my new drugs so I am not sure how my body will accept it but I am hopeful that I will not have too many of the side effects.  I am excited and a little overwhelmed that after this Friday I will have only two treatments left.  It has been a long journey and a tough one too but my husband and kids keep me going.  Each day I wake up and am thankful for a day of feeling well, thankful for Keil getting up early to sit and watch the morning news with me, thankful for Cole getting up and asking for his cereal and giving me a kiss and hug, thankful for Jason getting up and helping me get the kids ready for school.  I am thankful for all I have and I know some of you might think that is hard to believe, that I would be thankful for all that God has served me this year.  But I am just thankful for those little things that make me happy, which in turn, make me stronger and make my day! 

Be strong, be positive and please pray for me!

BOOB!!

I am so excited, overwhelmed and feeling whole!  I went this morning to get fitted for a prosthesis.  I thought I would have to wait for a few weeks but they had "my size" in stock and I am now wearing a bra and I have a "boob"! 

After finding out that I had breast cancer and making the decision to have my breast removed, I never looked back!  I never "mourned" my breast, although the doctors say that will come.  I got used to not having a breast and got used to not wearing a bra.  I got used to the look of being flat on one side!  I always knew that I would have reconstruction but knew it would be far down the road for me.  I opted not to get a prosthesis because I really felt that it didn't bother me, the way that I looked.  Just last week, I decided that I would get a prosthesis...not because I think I am not beautiful, but because I wanted to feel "normal" again.  I want to feel as much like myself as I can!

Well, let me just say...I am over the moon!  I met with Dianne this morning and she brought out a selection of prosthesis for me to look at, to feel and try on.  Then she brought me numerous bras to choose from.  After I put the first bra on with my prosthesis, I couldn't believe the overwhelming emotions!  I wanted to cry and laugh all at the same time!  Once I saw myself in the mirror, I realized how much my breast once made me feel whole, once made me feel beautiful!  I am crying just writing this..you can't even imagine how I am feeling!  I am so happy I could scream!!  Can you hear me? LOL It was so worth the money...just like my wig...now I feel like "me"! :)

Be strong, be positive and continue to pray for me...because I feel the love! :)