Where's My Body?

Still feeling tired and weak from my last treatment.  I have been having minor aches and pains but nothing like the last treatment.  Although, the pain didn't hit me until day 10 last time so I still have a few days left before the mayhem sets in!  I am planning to take some Claritin starting on Saturday to see if I can change some of the side effects from the Neulasta shot.   I haven't been sleeping well because of all the steroids in my system...they make me toss and turn all night.  I do have sleeping pills but I am so tired of pumping drugs into my system, I just want to be free of it all!

I am also feeling so out of touch with my body.  It's really hard to explain to someone that hasn't gone through Cancer.  Everyone keeps telling me...oh you look good, you'll get the weight off...don't worry!  But being a woman, it's hard to get up and look at yourself in the mirror and not really know who is staring back at you.  My face is full, I have little to no eyelashes, my eyebrows have to be penciled in and not to mention my stomach and back are looking like I am 7 months pregnant!  I always took pride in the way that I looked.  I know, I just have to get healthy and then everything else will fall into place...but this has got to be one of the worst parts of going through Cancer...the changes in your body!  Especially when you don't have a lot of control over what is happening.  I know, I know...health has got to be my main priority! 

I started reading a bit about side effects from the medication Tamoxifen (the drug that I will need to take for 5 years because I am Estrogen+ and Progesterone+).  I will be starting this drug in approximately 4 weeks and it will put me into early menopause.  Then, I will finish the drug and my body will go through menopause again...on it's own natural course!  Wow, menopause....twice in one life time!!  Anyway, back to my reading...on the breast cancer website (which I frequent) a lot of the women that started Tamoxifen have gained any where from 30lbs to 50lbs!   Good Lord...what else could happen!!  Oh and not to mention, hot flashes, low libido, mood swings, bone aches and nausea.  I know I will get through it, as I always do...but I really just want to get my life back...minus all the side effects!  I am sharing a lot of this because I need to get it out and on paper!  It makes me feel better to write, as I have told all of you before...no matter how blunt I may be!   These are all true feelings that I feel could help someone going through this type of thing.  As much as it sucks some days...I have a lot of good days that I am very thankful for!  ...and that is where I will find my strength!

Be POSITIVE, be STRONG and PRAY!

Wouldn't Ya Know!!

Throughout this Chemo journey not one of my kids got sick, even though the cold and flu was running wild though their school.  They washed and sanitized their hands like crazy...and they took (and continue to take) their vitamins every morning.

On Thursday, I had to keep Keil home because he woke up with a really sore throat and a nasty dry, barking cough.  By Friday, he still had the cough, but it was a lot better sounding...not so dry.  He is still coughing but the poor little guy will not come near me and he is always wearing his mask.  Now, Cole has come down with something.  Yesterday, he slept most of the day and had a fever.  Today he is a bit better but still fighting a sore throat, fever and just an overall feeling of not being well.  I just can't believe that we managed to last this long without getting sick and the weekend of my last treatment all hell breaks loose!  Poor Jason, doesn't know who to cater too...I just pray he stays well!  Thank goodness we have a spare bed in the basement...because that's where I will be heading for the next few days...only to hibernate until all this sickness is over with.

Otherwise, I am feeling pretty good today.  No pain (yet) and I have a good amount of energy.  I have tried to change some things up over this treatment.  I have increased my water intake by about 2L and I have started my "bowel" pills a little bit earlier than previous treatments.  I have also tried to change what I am eating.  You see, I always crave junk food after a treatment and I have decided to try to avoid those cravings...as hard as it is, I am making progress...although the Toblerone that is sitting beside me is looking mighty fine! LOL  I think the increase in water is really helping to flush all the toxins out of my body.  The nurses and doctors always told me how important it was to keep up my water intake but when your taste buds are gone and everything tastes like cardboard, it's kind of hard to quench your thirst with water!   But, I will do anything to avoid side effects like last time!

Jason is going to stay home with me for the next couple of days, only to be here for the boys so that I don't have to be exposed to any further sickness.  When my counts are so low, which they will be over the next few days, I am even more susceptible to viruses.  I did receive my Neulasta shot yesterday, which will take a few days to kick in the way that it should (hence the reason why the pain doesn't set in until about day 7 or 10) so it is very important for me to avoid getting sick!  I am very thankful for Jason's work to be letting him take the time to be home to take care of me.  They have been wonderful during this whole time, which takes a lot of pressure off Jason.

So, here's hoping my boys will be feeling much better soon and that Jason and I both avoid getting sick!  Fingers and toes crossed!!

Be positive, be strong and please pray for all of us fighting the fight!

6 Down 0 To Go!!!!!

Well, it's done, finished, complete!!!!  A very emotional day at the hospital!

We arrived for my appointment at 8:00am, registered and proceeded to have my blood work done.  Then on to meet with my nurse and doctor.  My blood counts were 5.8...the highest they have ever been since September!  I couldn't believe it...the angels were watching me for sure today!  Got through reviewing the side effects from last treatment and questions for Anna (my nurse) and got my follow up appointments booked.  Then on to Chemo...with excitement to finish my treatment with Joanne (my Chemo nurse)....only to find out she was in assessments today and wouldn't be administering my Chemo :(  bummer!  So, Nurse Karen called my name and on we went to start the very last drip of poison!

Everything was uneventful.  Jason and I talked and read a little...then did the count down of the last 1/2 hour together...constantly looking at the clock!  My IV finally buzzed and it was over...excitement, overwhelming emotion and relief!  Then Nurse Carol rounded up some of my nurses and on we went to  ring the "Chemo bell"!!  It's a bell located at the entrance of the Chemo unit that is rung when you finish your Chemo.  It's a very overwhelming and emotional ending!  I posted my video to let you see how emotional it was...everyone was crying.

I am home now resting and feeling ok but very tired.  The nurse will be here tomorrow afternoon to give me my final Neulasta shot...which I am praying I won't have too much pain from.  I will continue to take my steroids for the next week to try to avoid the pain and I have more of the "good drugs" to take on my day 10 or whenever my pain starts to hit.

My next appointment is to have my tattooing done for my radiation, on January 28th.  Then I have my Herceptin drip on February 1st and my Heart Scan on February 8th.  Radiation starts on February 11th.  I will also have a Liver MRI in around those dates...just a follow up to my last one that noted, what appears to be, hemangioma's on it.

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray! :)

This is a happy household tonight!

My Life Long Friend!

Well, it's finally here...my last treatment is tomorrow and I just wanted to let you all know how I am feeling!

Very emotional...messages that I am getting from family and friends...phone calls, text messages!  I am just overwhelmed with emotion.  I have such a great group of friends and my family...what can I say...family is everything!  I can't seem to stop crying...just thinking about everything that I have been through and I can't believe I made it...through this phase anyway!  I am also thinking of everything that I have...a wonderful husband, two beautiful boys and some of the best friends on the planet! 

Last night, I had a long talk with my best friend of over 30 years!  We talked for over two hours and it seemed like only 20 minutes...we could have talked forever...well maybe not forever but for another couple of hours.  You see, Cara has been my best friend since I was 8.  Shortly after meeting her, I got hit by a car and it landed me in the hospital with a broken leg, scrapes, bruises and I was there for quite some time...Cara was one of my first visitors, taking me on long walks in the wheel chair, bringing me treats...and just making me laugh!  We always had a fun time as kids...and now as adults.  I could count on her then and I can count on her now.  Because as you all know, she took time out of her busy schedule to come up and take care of me again during my second treatment!  I think we are going to be old and living in the same old age complex....taking care of each other!  Cara, you are my light, my rock and the only friend that I can say I had for more than half my life!  I don't know what I would ever do without you!  I love you from the depths of my heart!

I want to take the time to thank all of you for being so supportive during the past few months.  All the food, emails, cards, phone calls, text messages and letters of hope...you are all wonderful people and I am glad you are in my life!

On to tomorrow!  Ladies and Gents...check your boobies...it may save your life!

Be positive, be strong and please pray for all the people that are fighting this fight!

I'm A Survivor! :)

So, a week has almost passed since my last entry!  Not too much has happened...but I some how feel emotionally and physically drained...maybe a lot of it is due to the gloomy weather today.

I am feeling like I never really bounced back from this treatment.  I am still feeling achy and my joints are feeling "big", "bloated"...I really don't know how to describe the feeling!  When I walk, I feel like I am in my 90's...I guess you could say...stiff feeling!  My skin feels dry, stretched and thin.  My face is bloated and taunt and my rosacea is flaring up bad.  I am really tired of looking sick!  I have an extra 15lbs on (which is so hard for me to deal with), I have no boob, I have no eye lashes or hair....I guess it is all starting to affect me.  It's hard dealing with all these changes in your body, especially when you have no control over them.  I always took care of myself and my appearance.  I exercised, tried to eat well...made sure my hair was done (even if it was just throwing it up in a cute pony tail).  I know appearances aren't everything, but for a woman, they play a big part in how you feel about yourself.  Don't get me wrong, I would never say you have to look a certain way to feel good about who you are...but having hair, eye lashes and all your body parts...sure would help!  Maybe I am just feeling a little sorry for myself today....tomorrow will be better...or even this afternoon could be better! :)  I always say, it's just a phase and you will get through it...it's not easy, but what are you going to do...curl up and cry all day...I don't have time to do that...life's just to short to be all depressed and emotional!

My in-laws left for home yesterday.  They were here for a month and were such a great help!  Having them here, really took a lot of stress off Jason...and me.  You don't realize how much help you are going to need when you are faced with Cancer.  A lot of people refuse the help, thinking they can do it on their own.  We found out quickly, that you need to accept help from people.  It's one of the things that can help you maintain your sanity when going through this and having a young family.  Jason's parents did a lot of the cooking, they played with the kids and kept me company during the day.  They have been such a great support for us, we don't know what we would do without them! 

So, two more days and my final treatment is here!  Woohoo!  The doctors all told me it would be an emotional period surrounding my last treatment...especially when I am finished all treatments!  Every time I talk about Friday, I cry...happy tears...I think because I can't believe it is finally here...and some sad tears because Mom isn't here to share in my joy!  There is some uncertainty too...you see, there are no tests they can do to tell me that the Cancer is gone.  I just have to pray that it is and get on with my life!  Some people that have gone through Cancer treatments find it very difficult to move on after treatment.  They tend to focus on the fact that they had Cancer and that there is a possibility that the treatments didn't work and they still have it.  Festering in their body and taking hold of another part of them.  I am not one of those people!  I truly feel that on July 27th when Dr. Niaz took my breast and lymph nodes, he removed all traces of Cancer from my body!  I believe that Chemo and Radiation are my Life Insurance Policies.  I paid a hefty price for them, but it was all worth it! 

Friday is going to be a good day!  It is one more day that I can mark as a major milestone in my life...it is the beginning of my life back to normal!  I spoke with a friend this past weekend.  She is 73 and had Breast Cancer 7 years ago...she said that she never stops!  She feels like she is 25 and the healthiest that she has ever been in her life!  That's what I am looking forward to...feeling like I am the healthiest I have ever been...and being 25 again wouldn't be so bad! LOL  She is a true survivor!  Now, let's get on with Friday and get this shit over with!!!!

Be positive, be strong and pray for me!

Nasty Little Prick!

Well, what I thought was going to be an uneventful treatment, turned out to be more than I bargained for!

As you all know, I had a treatment on December 21 that included Taxotere, Herceptin and a Neulasta shot (which is given 24 hours after my treatment drip).  This was my first time with Neulasta as the Neupogen shots gave me extreme pain and discomfort that accumulated over a period of seven days and landed me in the hospital!

When I arrived at the doctors office on December 21, I knew that the Neulasta shot was finally covered by insurance (it's a $2700 shot) and that I would be able to get it this time.  Unfortunately, that was a huge deciding factor for me...the cost...as I am sure it would be for anyone!  I was excited because it would only be one shot instead of the 7 shots that I had prior.  I was told by my nurse that I could experience pain between the 7 to 10 day mark after receiving the shot.  Or I could avoid it with my meds, which included an extension on my steroids as well as a different pain medication.  I was assured that it would be much better than the Neupogen shots...well...all WAS much better until day 10!

Day 9 was New Year's Eve...I enjoyed the day with the family, feeling pretty good and feeling like my energy was up and that I had passed the corner of possible side effects.  I even stayed up past mid night and rang in the New Year with Jason and his parents.  We played board games, had munchies and just enjoyed the company.  I went to bed around 12:30 (I said I stayed up past mid-night...not much...but I made it) LOL  At 3:30am I was awaken with excruciating pain in my legs, ankles, and shoulders.  I got up and made my way to the washroom only to literally fall onto the toilet.  My legs simply gave out!  I didn't want to wake Jason because I knew he had only just come to bed and just got to sleep.  So, I slowly made my way downstairs for pain medication.  I couldn't find my meds, only Advil 400mg, so I quickly popped one and went back to bed.  I couldn't get back to sleep and lay there in pain for over an hour before I finally woke Jason and asked him to get my pain medication...the good kind!  He got my meds and I was able to fall asleep for a few hours until they wore off.  I woke around 7:30am and I thought someone had taken an ice pick and picked all my bones in my legs apart!  It felt like every single bone in my lower extremities were about to explode...I had the sweats, I couldn't stop crying and I there was nothing that I could do about it!  I was able to take two more pain meds and that seemed to help with the pain...or at least make it tolerable!  Jason said I looked very stoned!  I felt very stoned!...good drugs!  Two days later and I am feeling much better...just feels like I worked out too hard (and if any of you have seen me lately...I certainly don't look like I work out! )LOL

Now, my next treatment is on January 11th and I am wondering if I will even require the Neulasta shot!  I mean really...this is my last treatment...I don't need my white blood cell counts to be at a certain level in order to receive more treatment.  I will ask my doctors what is best and hopefully we can avoid any of these terrible shots!  Believe me, they work...they bring your WBC's up to normal levels and allow you to stay on track with your treatments, but my oh my, they are nasty little pricks with side effects that really suck! 

Hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year! :)

Be positive, be strong and please pray for me!

Reflections!

I never thought that I would be the type of person to write about my life and people would actually be interested in reading about it.  It’s really funny to me...a little bumpkin from little ole’ Pictou!

I don’t even remember how I rang in 2012...I know I was with my family...probably sitting on the couch, watching a movie with Jason....or now that I think about it, maybe I was at my friend Jo’s house celebrating...strange how I can’t remember!  I will certainly remember how I rang in this year...or will I, with all this Chemo brain! LOL  I just know, that ringing in 2014 will be the biggest party of my life!!  But, let’s not get that far ahead...lots to do this year and I don’t want to rush a moment of it (well, maybe a little) :)!

As everyone knows, 2012 was certainly not my year....but there were still some awesome things that happened, inspite all the crap!  I could sit here and go crazy saying all the bad things that have happened, and why did God deal me this terrible hand, and poor me....but if you know me at all, that is not my style!  I will allow myself to play the pity card once in a while but I always try to find the silver lining in everything. 

 

2012 I made lots of plans to do things...start eating healthy, exercising daily (in fact, I joined the gym after 9 years of a hiatus), working on my marriage, making more of an effort to spend time with friends, making more of an effort to connect with family...the typical “New Year’s Resolutions”!  I started out great, eating healthy and working out...only because I had a goal....a goal to look and feel good by my summer vacation!  I planned family get-aways...going to Niagara Falls, Great Wolf Lodge, camping, etc.  Planning our family trip home to Nova Scotia, including a trip to PEI with both sets of parents was the excitement of my spring.   Then for the remainder of the summer, enjoying our pool, deck and daily jaunts to the park, play dates and just spending time together.  Funny how in a split second, our lives can come to a screaming halt and take a huge U turn!  

Although my screaming halt happened....it was probably the “halt” that I needed!  It opened my eyes to what really matters.  It forced me to take a closer look at what I really had in life....what I really wanted out of life.  I always found myself comparing my life with other people.  Looking at what they had and wanting it...whether it be nice clothes, money to go on trips, a bigger house, a husband that would help out around the house :), etc...just a lot of “material” things.   But my screaming halt made all those things so trivial!  Now all I want is to obviously get healthy, spend more time with my husband, my kids, my friends and family, live each day to its fullest...sure I still want to go on trips (which after all this Cancer shit...we are taking the biggest trip...maybe even two or three LOL)...but now I can’t seem to focus on material things at all.  Now, what makes me happy is watching my kids play, sitting with Jason and just being with each other and planning our future!  Doing family things together, spending time with friends...just having fun...not worrying about what other people are doing...living for us! 

 

People often comment on how positive I am, how much of an inspiration I am to them, or how strong I am...I am all these things because I believe this year was full of silver linings.  My silver linings include...the moment Jason found the lump...for if he didn’t...who knows where I would be at this point.  Doctors that were vigilant and rushed me into every test and took such good care of me...for if it weren’t for them...once again, I could be waiting and this terrible disease could be taking over.  For the time that I got to spend with my Mom, during my vacation and after my surgery...for without that time, I would never have realized how strong of a woman she was and how she passed that on to me.   God works in mysterious ways...my girlfriend Jo was supposed to be moving...and maybe not so good for her, but good for us, her house was delayed...and she has been the biggest help to all of us during my journey!  If she had moved, the boys wouldn’t have play dates, we would have to find someone to pick them up from the bus, just knowing that she is there at a moment’s notice to help out, is a huge pressure off both Jason and I.  See how many silver linings you can find in what some people would think is the biggest cloud in your life!

So, as we begin a new year...it’s not just about new beginnings...it’s about finding the silver lining in every moment and being happy and appreciating what you have!

I believe that by going through all this shit, I have become a better person...I know it sounds cliché, but seriously, I never realized how strong a woman I could be.  I always thought I would curl up in a ball and just die if I ever was diagnosed with cancer.  I feel like I take the time to “listen” to people now, which I always thought that I did, but now I question that.  I feel like I am more of a positive person than I ever thought I was....I just feel that I have changed so much through all this.  I wish that it didn’t take a total life upset for me to realize all this...but God has a plan...and this was his plan for me...I am just glad that I am still young and I have the rest of my life to continue to find myself and make changes that will benefit everyone I love...including myself!

I certainly hope all this makes sense and that it doesn't just sound like I am blabbering on...I am in a bit of pain today and on some serious drugs...the pain from the Neulasta shot has hit me and I am a little dopey! :)

Happy New Year Everyone!