Anxiety Is A Debilitating Thing!

As I sit here listening to the kids playing outside, I am reminded of all the reasons why I have fought so hard to get to this point.  Giggles, belly laughs and screaming are all sounds that I love to hear.  My kids and my husband are what makes me get through the tough days.  Although, they would say it's me that gets us all through.

I have been wound up so tight this past week that I feel like I am going to explode!  I am severely anxious...I can't sleep and I am scared shitless of the changes that will take place on Tuesday.  I am not really sure why I am so anxious about this surgery.  I should be thrilled, ecstatic even...but I can't help but worry about all the what ifs!   I am really focusing on the worse case scenarios and I can't seem to change my train of thought. 

I feel like I am going through separation anxiety with the removal of my left breast!  I don't know why I am feeling this way, especially since my last mammogram showed a 2mm x 1.5mm anomaly.  I figured I would be gnawing at the bit to get this breast off but I am apprehensive as to how I am going to look.  I know, I shouldn't worry about it...and, I already had this done to the right so I should be totally fine with it happening again.  But I'm not!  I guess the fear is of the unknown...what is it going to look like?  What if they can't expand me to a suitable size?  But then, what is a "suitable" size?  Why are we so fixated on the breast?  Is it just a sexual thing or is it because we associate the breast with the female body...like you only are a girl if you have boobs!  Such crazy thoughts go through your mind when dealing with these types of surgery...but I keep telling myself that they are totally normal.  I believe it's totally natural to worry about losing a body part, especially when that part makes you feel like a woman.  It's very hard to separate the mind from the heart...I know in my heart that all the decisions I have made up to this point have been the best decisions to ensure that I am around for another 40+ years....but my mind is saying..."you're not going to look right."  Funny how our mind can manipulate our feelings...crazy!

I am sure I will be posting again on Monday...might be a short one to let you all know how I am feeling going into this surgery. 

Be strong, be positive and continue to pray for me...I've got another long road ahead of me!