Happy New Year!!

I can't even believe how fast this year passed us by! 

Well it was certainly a different Christmas for us this year.  We had an awesome Christmas full of entertaining, good food, lots of laughs and excitement as we watched the boys open all their gifts from Santa!  I was under the tree passing out all the gifts, taking pictures and video, making coffee, finding batteries, opening toys...you know, those hard ones that you need a knife and screwdriver to open the endless supply of ties! As frustrating as they were, trying to cut a million of them per toy, I enjoyed every minute of it.   Much different than last year...I couldn't move off the couch to help distribute the gifts and tried to smile at the kids and show some sort of excitement as they opened their gifts.  I felt like crap and to feel amazing this year, was a welcomed gift all in its own!!

Before I sat down to write today, I briefly went through all my blogs from December of last year.  I was in a lot of pain last year and very weak.  It's funny how you forget some of what you have been through.  Unless I actually sit down and think about things, I find it hard to comprehend how sick I actually was.  Then I look at the pictures and "see" how sick I was.  It was funny, Cole looked at our family calendar for December and I always have a picture at the top of the calendar to remind us of what we experienced in that month, the year before.  Well, the picture this month is of our family last Christmas.  Cole didn't even recognize me...well, he knew it was me but he couldn't believe it was me.  He said "wow Mom, you look so different!"  and to think that he always called me beautiful, even when I was sick and looking my worst.  Makes me proud of my kids and the compassion they showed during my treatments.  They certainly are good boys! :)

So, I am trying to prepare myself for the beginning of my reconstruction.  This time next week, I will be in surgery again to begin the long and painful process of reconstruction.  I have so many mixed emotions surrounding this.  I am excited to begin because it just means I am closer to being "normal".  I am scared shitless about the pain and discomfort that comes with all these procedures.  I am nervous about the final results...will I be happy, will I feel like a woman, will I regret it?  All kinds of things go through your mind!  The thing is, once we start the process, there is no turning back!  So, I have to suck up the pain and get past my fears and try to find the good in this entire journey!  All I can say is that I have total faith in my doctors and I know that this next journey is going to be a piece of cake compared to what I have been through! :) 

January 7th will mark the day that I begin my journey to healthy new boobies!!!  YAY!!!

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2014!!  May all your dreams come true!!

Where A Year Can Take You

I can not believe, when I look at pictures from last Christmas, how much I have changed!  I have been looking back again, on pictures that were taken this time last year and I can't even believe that it is me in the photos!  I look so different...I felt so different!  It seems like so long ago yet sometimes, it feels like only a couple of months have passed.  I am so excited to say that it's almost a year since my last Chemo treatment.  Who would have thought that I would be sitting here, admiring my Christmas lights, emailing friends, watching Christmas movies with my kids, playing in the snow, making cookies, Christmas shopping and feeling the best I have ever felt!  It almost seems like a nightmare and not reality at all.  But then, I look down and I see the part of me that has been missing for so long.  The part of me that makes me feel like a woman...the part of me that makes me feel comfortable and confident in my clothes.  It's then that I realize that I did live the nightmare but I survived!

This week was a busy week for me.  I had two pre-op appointments, one with my family doctor and one with my plastic surgeon.  Both were fairly short appointments but each a little different.  My family doctor had to fill out some forms and ask me about my family history.  It made for an emotional day because when speaking about my mother and father, I couldn't help realize that they are actually both gone and that I have been through all this without them being "physically" here.  I guess it's hard not to think about it when my family doctor's intern is giving me the "you poor thing" talk.  Telling me that "it is so sad what you have been through" and asking me "how did you get through it".  Sometimes I wonder if I should make up this elaborate story just to shut them up.  Especially when I had to take Cole with me (he was home sick with a sore throat that day) and she just kept going on and on.  When someone's eyes start welling up with tears, don't you think it's time to shut your mouth and just get on with the exam?  Some doctors have no idea.

My appointment with my plastic surgeons office was quick but not painless.  I had blood work done, which I am used to being pricked now and then the nurse proceeded to tell me about "what to expect on the day of surgery".  Oh my goodness, I think I would have rather that she didn't say anything and told me to just come the day of surgery and make sure I had a driver....and leave it at that.  She explained the typical stuff, only clear fluids 4 hours prior to surgery, no solid foods for 24 hours prior and wear loose clothing...etc.  Then she went on to tell me that it was a very painful surgery and that my donor site would be extremely sore because it is such and invasive surgery...but that they would send me home with "good" drugs!  Ugh...is this all going to be worth it?  I am so used to feeling good that I am not looking forward to being down and out again.  She said that these next two procedures would take about a week of healing.  I guess when I look back on the past year....a week of healing is not so bad.  I am just not looking forward to the pain...I hate pain :(

So, now I get to enjoy Christmas with my family and friends and try to mentally prepare myself for what the New Year has in store for me!  Kind of exciting but a little scary too!  I will be posting pictures of my procedures so if you are not interested in seeing the actual process, please don't read my blog.  Remember, this was a blog for me...and my close family and friends that needed to know how I was doing.  It is a venue for me to vent, be brutally honest and to help people understand what life is like, living with Breast Cancer.  I will try to put a caption at the top of each post to warn people of possible pictures. 

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for all those people dealing with this terrible disease.

Oh My Goodness....It's Been WAY Too Long!!

I apologize for not writing in a while...and I have so much to tell!  My life has been a little on hold because we purchased a puppy and he had been more like a baby then a puppy (and we all know how busy a baby will keep you).  Unfortunately, we as a family decided that the timing was just not right to have the new addition.  So, we sent him to a loving home where he has another dog friend and two cats to play with.  He is adjusting well to his new environment.  It was a hard decision to make but we knew in the end, it was the right one for all of us.  So, that was keeping me very busy for the month of November.  Now, on to all the news I have to tell! :)

First, I finished my last Herceptin treatment on November 7!  Again, it was an emotional day, ringing the bell again.  I was sure that I had another treatment the end of November but when I went for my appointment on the 7th, my nurse told me it was the last one.  I rang the bell with my nurses as Jason didn't come because he thought I had one more.  So, now that I am totally finished IV treatments, I was able to get my port removed last week.  I went into surgery around 1:20pm in the afternoon and got out around 2:30pm.  The doctor asked if I wanted to keep my port, (was that really something people did?) I decided that it would be neat to keep it.  It was my life line for an entire year...it saved my veins from the poison of Chemo and it provided doctors an access point for blood work and other tests...saving me from being pricked over and over.  So, yes I decided to keep it...the boys think it's pretty cool!  So, two more milestones reached on this journey! :)

Now, to the not so great stuff.  Since I returned from vacation in August, I have been having some pain in my chest on my mastectomy side.  It's like a sharp pain that shoots from the front to my back when I take a deep breath or move a certain way.  It comes and goes so I wasn't overly concerned.  When I told my nurse, she told me that I should have it checked out.  So, my doctor scheduled a bone scan and a CT scan.  I had my bone scan on November 1 and my CT scan two weeks later.  Now my nurse usually calls me with results when she has them but I wasn't hearing back from her after my bone scan. (and the tech told me that my results would be in the system that night)...I had a feeling at this point that something was wrong because the technician kept asking me if I had an accident in the past 6 months.  They had to take numerous pictures of my right side and kept asking if I had fallen or if I injured that side.   Not a good feeling! :(

Finally, it was time for my CT scan and after my scan I went to see my Chemo nurse.  I told him that I didn't hear results from my bone scan so he was kind enough to print a copy of my results and give them to me.  Now I know why you are not supposed to receive results from anyone but your doctor.  The results were that they found "activity" on my eighth, ninth and tenth ribs.  They stated that there was mild activity found on my last scan (August 2012) but not enough to be noted.  This test showed that the activity was increased.  Well, lets just say that I was in a complete daze driving home from the hospital.  All I could think of was that the cancer had spread and I now had it in my bones.  What would I do?  What would I tell the boys?  How was Jason going to deal with this?  It was like I was in a fog trying to make it to the clear and I couldn't get there.  I couldn't think straight...and probably shouldn't have been driving.  I made it home safely and sat and cried for over an hour.  I called Jason and he decided to come home from work to be with me.  I called my Oncology nurse and asked her for my results (I didn't want her to know that I already saw them)...and she told me she couldn't give them to me over the phone....and they were waiting on the results from my CT scan.  She asked me to call her back on Thursday (this was Tuesday) and she should have all the results back.  My world was thrown into a spin and I felt like I was loosing control of what I had worked so hard to maintain for the past year. 

Thursday came and I called my nurse first thing in the morning...of course that was too early for her to know anything so she told me to call back in the afternoon.  I called back again around 1:00pm and she told me that they had to call the radiologist on call to review my tests.  Oh my God!!!!  Could it get any worse...waiting for results has got to be the most agonizing thing in the world!  I called her back at 4:00pm and my CT scan showed no spread of cancer and that what they had seen on my ribs was "likely" scar tissue.  It's been hard to revert my mind back to the positive, but I have been working hard at it for the past couple of weeks.  I don't want to think that they might be wrong...and what if.  I just want to continue with my life and enjoy every minute.

So, I think I told you all about Malina (my plastic surgeon's patient that is going through the same reconstruction process that I am).  She had her surgery to remove her "good" breast and have the expander/implant put in place.  Her surgery was on October 15 and she told me to give her a few weeks of recovery before calling to see how she made out.  I gave it a month and called her.  She is over the moon happy with her image!  She said it was very unpleasant and that she had a good 3 weeks of not being able to do anything.  She couldn't even get out of bed without someone helping her.  She had a fair amount of pain and had her drains in for almost 3 weeks.  She was starting to feel better and get around a bit more when I was talking with her (at 4 weeks).  The one thing she said..."I don't regret a thing!"  She loves the results and she loved Dr. Semple!

Today, I received my call from Dr. Semple's office...my reconstruction is about to begin!!  I have my pre-op next Thursday, December 12 and my first fat grafting procedure is scheduled for January 7th!!  OMG I am so excited I can barely contain myself!!  Leslie, Dr. Semple's secretary, called to give me my first and second appointments for the fat grafting, with my second being April 8th.   This is really happening!!!  I am getting my new boobies and I couldn't be happier!!  Lots will be going on over the next month and I will try my best to keep you all posted and will post pictures as well.

It's been a long road and it's not over yet...but I see that my life is definitely moving in the right direction! :)

Be positive, be strong and please continue to pray for all the people struggling to get through this terrible disease!

Weeks Are Flying By!!

The weeks are just flying by!! 

Last week I had my Herceptin treatment and was told that I only have two left!!  I will be so happy to get this port out.  Don't get me wrong, I loved having it because it definitely saved my veins but sometimes it pulls and I don't really like the look of a lump sticking out of my chest....had a bad experience with that before LOL!!  So, I believe my last treatment will be on November 28 (my next being November 7) and then I can arrange to have the port taken out. 

I have been having some chest pain for quite some time now and I wasn't sure if I pulled a muscle or if it was something else.  I notified the nurse at my last Herceptin treatment and she called my Oncologist to discuss.  She ordered a bone scan and CT scan immediately.  I have my bone scan on November 1 and my CT scan on November 12.  I guess I can look at it this way...they are taking all the precautions to make sure there is no cancer to be found in my body.  I am kind of relieved that they are doing these tests but I will admit, I am also tired of sitting at the hospital.  I guess I should be thankful that I have great doctors and nurses that want to see me get well and not be sick again.  It's always a stressful time waiting to hear back from these tests and your mind tends to go over every possible scenario.

Jason and I sat in our room last night talking about all that we have been through and what we still have to complete before this whole illness is behind us.  You know, I never really told him how scared I get sometimes.  How my body is tired and I just keep pushing on so that no one worries.   I don't want my family to worry about me.  We all have so much going on in our lives that to add more stress to anyone, is not going to help the situation.  I feel good but I know I could feel even better.  I am hoping that when my Herceptin finishes, I will feel that much better.  Who knows what it is doing to my body (besides killing HER2 receptors) or how it is limiting me from feeling my best.  Jason expressed how worried he is that he will lose me or that he is going to get cancer.  You hope and pray that you never have to deal with it, but when you do, whether yourself or a spouse, it opens your eyes to a whole other world.  One of constant worry and realizing that life is very precious.  We just have to keep plugging along and hope cancer will never show it's ugly head again! 

I am still waiting to speak with Malina again and also hear from Dr. Semple's office regarding appointments.

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray. :)

So Much To Be Thankful For!

I just took a moment to look back on my blog...boy, have I come a long way!

I did a lot of reflecting last October.  Seeing the leaves change color  and fall...the way my life changed and those same trees getting their "new" leaves in Spring...just like I got my "new" life.  I reflected on getting through my second treatment and loosing my hair.  I feel, after reading some of my posts, that I was in a dark, sheltered place.  One that I didn't know if I was going to get out of.  Even though people told me I was so positive, reading my words, I remember how I felt....very alone and scared.

Now, I feel alive and blessed to have this second chance at life.  I feel like I want to do so many things, take advantage of time with my kids and just slow life down.  It's crazy how I want things to slow down so that I can really enjoy them, yet I want the days to click by so that I am closer to reconstruction.  Before I know it, the time will be here and I will be totally into the next chapter of my life.

In my last post, I mentioned that Dr. Semple (my plastic surgeon)...the best of the best ;)  was going to give me the name of a patient that was undergoing the same procedure that he had discussed with me.  Well, his secretary, Leslie, contacted me last week with the name of a patient that was expecting my call.  Malina is her name and she is 39.  I don't know a lot of the details surrounding Malina's diagnosis but she was more than willing to share her experience with reconstruction.  (I will ask her next time about her diagnosis)  She did tell me that, like me, Breast Cancer was not in her family.  Seems to be more the case these days...is it our food chain, our environment or what I think was the cause of mine, the birth control pill. 

Malina is a very kind and knowledgeable survivor.  She started the process with Dr. Semple 6 months ago.  She decided to go with the fat grafting procedure, with expanders, because her sister's mother-in-law was a patient of Dr. Semple and had the procedure done a year ago and was quite happy with her results.  Malina has had her two fat grafting sessions done and can't believe the results.  The fat grafting is to repair the radiated skin, it doesn't form a mound of any sort.  After her second fat grafting, Malina noticed that her skin was repairing itself.  The skin that was damaged from radiation was beginning to change color and become more like the rest of her skin.  It was more supple and soft.  She also regained some of the sensation back from where nerves were cut from her mastectomy.  That is truly unbelievable!!!  I can't believe fat, that is removed from your stomach and injected into your mastectomy scar, can actually heal you!  Crazy!!!   She explained how they made a small incision in her belly button and removed the fat and then injected it into three incisions along her mastectomy scar.  She said that it was a day surgery and that she was only sore and bruised for about a week.  She had surgery on October 15 to remove the other breast and have an implant put in, and an expander put into her mastectomy side.  She told me to call her back in a couple of weeks to see how everything went.

I thought about her all day yesterday.  Wondering how she was feeling, if she was excited, scared or just numb with emotion.  When I spoke to her, she was looking forward to getting this next step complete.  She said that Dr. Semple has been nothing but professional, compassionate, informative and positive.  He has taken very good care of her and she wouldn't change anything.  I will keep you updated on Malina's progress.

I should have my appointments set up in the next month.  I spoke to Leslie yesterday and she said that she is still waiting to hear from the general surgeon, for an appointment time and then she can coordinate my first fat grafting procedure.  She indicated that Dr. Semple is booked solid for the rest of this year and that although I am on a waiting list, I probably won't start until January.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving with their loved ones!  We have so much to be thankful for in this household!

Be positive, be strong and support the cause! :)

2013 Run For The Cure!

What an emotional day!!  It was a day in which I reflected back on all the shit that I went though.  The countless tests, pricks, pokes, and poisons that enveloped my body for the past year.   The last 1/2 km was the hardest and I thought back to my last week of radiation.  How crazy it was to think that I actually made it...and I was determined to finish the race with the same positive outlook that I have always had.  Jason was by my side through the whole run, but we didn't talk...I think we were both so overwhelmed and proud that we made it!  He let me go at my own pace and supported me when I felt that I needed to slow down and encouraged me to pick up speed and continue...a carbon copy of our past year. 

I rounded the corner at the 2km mark and there, in a Sou'wester and rain jacket, was my cheering section.  My friend Vera came out to cheer me on and managed to "appear" two more times during the run.  The most emotional appearance was when I was struggling to get up a hill.  Jason was encouraging me and in the distance, I saw Vera.  My eyes began to well up and I found it hard to catch my breath.  Seeing her at the side of the road and hearing her cheer me on, made me feel like I had the support of the world and I could make it though anything.  She doesn't realize how her being there symbolized my cheering section in heaven.  I know that my parents would be so proud of me and all that I have achieved, just as I know, Vera was proud of me.  Vera, you are a star and I am so honored that you shine bright for me!  You lifted me up when I thought I couldn't go on...very thankful for our friendship!

Crossing the finish line was incredible!  For the past three weeks, I have been thinking to myself "who am I kidding, I won't be able to run this...walk yes, run...not so much!"  But I did it, with my partner in crime by my side...well Jason ran ahead to take pictures but he was there and had the biggest smile on his face.  To hear him tell me how proud he is of me, just made this victory so much sweeter!  I crumbled into his arms and we both cried...happy tears that we finished the race together.  This has been a day that I will cherish forever!

Thank you to all my friends and family who supported me with donations!  I raised an incredible $1360.01!!!  Yes, one cent...it has special meaning for my loving friend Vera! 

Fall Is Here...and so am I!!

I kind of forgot how to long on to my blog!  It's been so long since I wrote something that I have probably lost a lot of my followers.  For those of you that are sticking with me, I am back at it and have oodles to tell!

First off, my summer was fantastic!!  We all went home for two weeks in July and the boys and I stayed on for an extra two weeks.  We enjoyed ourselves so much...just felt like we could really relax...no worrying about doctors appointments or tests...just relaxing and focusing on family, friends and enjoying ourselves!  The boys were able to spend a ton of time with their cousins and wanted to actually stay in Nova Scotia.  It's such a hard decision to make, whether to move back home or stay here in Ontario.  But, that is a decision for another time! :)

Once we returned from our vacation, in mid August, I came back to a load of tests!  Had treatment, blood work and a heart scan on the day after returning, and then an MRI two weeks ago.  I am happy to report that all came back clear, negative and awesome!  My heart scan was the best it's ever been (including the scan done before treatments started)...it was 66%!  I tell everyone it was from all the love, laughs, great food and fresh salt air that brought my heart up to its best! :)  My blood work came back "remarkable", as quoted by my oncologist and my MRI showed no signs of cancer on the brain.  You see, once I returned from vacation, I was experiencing an increase in headaches and the first thing I worried about was that the cancer spread to my brain.  Well, I worried myself for nothing!  All is good! Yay me!!

So now I still go for treatment of Herceptin every three weeks, but I will be finished with that the end of November.  Also, I am now at the point where I won't be seeing my oncologist and nurse for another 6 months...that's half a year!!  Isn't that something?  Every time I go to the hospital, I feel like I reach another milestone in this chapter.  It's just incredible! 

The big news and next chapter is reconstruction!  Yes, I am going to get a new boobie!! :)  I met with my first plastic surgeon on August 22nd.  Jason and I drove to downtown Mississauga and sat in a stuffy, arrogant, posh plastic surgery clinic.  I never felt so out of place in my entire life.  When we walked in, there were people in the waiting room and the reception desk was out of sight.  I walked, hesitantly over to the reception area and found two, pumped up, shiny faced, nipped and tucked ladies!  Boy did I feel out of place!  I told them who I was and they asked me to take a seat.  As I sat there, holding my charts from Credit Valley and watched as ladies came in and out, I realized that this was not where I was going to have my surgery done.  I told Jason that I felt uncomfortable and he told me I was crazy!  We were taken into another waiting area and finally the doctor came in to see us.  He was the most arrogant, ass hole that I have ever met!  No compassion or bed side manner at all!  He was short with me and almost mocking me that I had such a big chart from the hospital.  He didn't even take the time to look it over to see what he was dealing with.  I knew right away that I would not give this doctor the pleasure of reconstructing me!  My appointment was all of 5 minutes...no, maybe I am being a little hasty...I'll give him 7 mins...we got up and left both feeling a bit deflated.  I cried the whole way home, thinking, is that what I am going to have to deal with?  Is this how it is going to be...feeling like I am a burden to the doctors because they have to "reconstruct" and not just put an implant in for cosmetic reasons?  It was the most hollow feeling I have felt during this entire process.  In fact, I was ready to give up...but I'm glad that I didn't. 

If you remember in my earlier blogs I said that I believe there is a silver lining in every situation...well, I was about to hear from my silver lining!   My surgeon, Dr. Niaz, had referred me back in April to "the best" plastic surgeon downtown Toronto.  I called this PS and was told by the receptionist that the doctor is very busy and I wouldn't be having my consultation until next year some time, hence the reason he is called "the best".  I was devastated, thinking that I would have to wait until next year to even meet with a doctor whom would discuss my options.  It seemed like this was going to be such a long process.  I quickly pushed reconstruction to the back of my mind and focused on getting back on track with life.  Then two weeks ago I received a call on my cell phone that would once again, change my life!  This PS that I was waiting so long to meet, had a cancellation and was able to see me the next day!  I was that excited I couldn't contain myself!  I called Jason and asked him to rearrange his schedule so that he would be able to come with me.  I called the neighbor to see if she could watch the kids when they arrived home from school and I gathered up all my reports from Credit Valley.

Traveling downtown, I was a little nervous and overwhelmed with emotion.  I couldn't believe we were finally going to meet Dr. John Semple!  Since finding out Dr. Semple was the PS I was referred to, I had been researching him on the internet.  He IS the best of the best!!!  He developed and pioneered new surgical techniques in breast restoration. He led a group of scientists, engineers and surgeons in producing new technologies for soft tissue regeneration and reconstruction following cancer surgery.  He is a professor in the department of surgery at the University of Toronto and former president of the Canadian Society of Plastic Surgeons. Now Dr. Semple has been named chair in surgical breast cancer research by the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation – Ontario Region. WOW...could I get any better?  I think not! :)

We met with Dr. Semple and his team and to my surprise, he had high hopes for my reconstruction!  He asked what my hopes were and I told him that I would like to avoid being cut any more.  I was tired of staring at scars and wanted to avoid being out of commission for too long.  "Well, he said, I think you are a perfect candidate for a new procedure that we are doing here at the hospital.  What we do, is liposuction around your abdomen (I'm liking this so far LOL) and inject the fat cells into the radiated area and the stem cells from the "fat grafting" will help to repair the cells that have been radiated, enabling your skin to stretch and then allowing us to insert an expander and then an implant."  Wow...really?  I can get implants at the end of all this, something that I was told would never be possible because I had radiation.  This is so exciting!!!  He has done a number of patients and has had only great results.  Although this is going to be a long process (over a year), I am thrilled that I will be able to get implants and avoid being cut around my abdomen or Latissimus Dorsi muscle.

So, I am just waiting to hear back from Dr. Semple's office regarding, timing, referral to general surgeon to remove other breast and contact information for patients that have already had the procedure done. 

Thank you to everyone who has stuck though all this with me!  This is a new chapter in my life and I am happy to be sharing it with all of you...the good, the bad and the ugly....but in the end...it will be the best!!!

Be positive, be strong and continue to pray for all the women, men and children that have to deal with this dreaded disease!