I want to start this post by getting a little bit personal. I have debated on whether or not to share this but I felt that if it can help any one going through this, then I need to address it.
During this entire process, you rely on your spouse to help take care you, manage the house, raise the kids and be your biggest cheerleader. Jason has been absolutely amazing during this whole process. He has managed my meds during Chemo, made trips to the grocery store late at night when I was craving things from the steroids and just been a great support. But there is one thing that the doctors never prepare you for and that is how your spouse is going to adapt to the changes in your body. The doctors are more concerned about getting you through your treatments and disease, and rightfully so, and they never talk about the impact it will have on your relationship. I never for once, thought Jason didn't love me or didn't want to be with me. Some girls I talked to, their husbands left them when they got diagnosed...I can't even wrap my head around that one.
Breast Cancer is not only a disease that works it's way through your body, it also works it's way through your relationships. More importantly, the relationship with your spouse. Neither you nor your spouse can prepare for how this disease will change the way you look at each other. It's such an adjustment for Jason too. I feel very alone sometimes and I know that that is not his intention at all. It's just that he is uncomfortable with the way my body is changing. I, on the other hand, look at my body every morning when I get out of the shower and although there are days that I am sad, there are days when I am quite comfortable with how I look. I believe in one of my first posts I said that Jason was a boob man, I never realized how important and how sexual breasts really are for some people. ...and that's where we are struggling. It was a long hard battle getting through the Cancer together but people don't realize that the battle still goes on, long after treatment ends. It's a battle to find your new normal and to rediscover love and passion in the most important relationships. We will get through this little bump, just like we make it through everything else that's thrown our way.
I had my third fill today and I am quite sore again. I feel a tightness in my chest and find it difficult to take deep breaths. The actual fill was fine, it's the feeling after getting 45cc's on my radiated side and 50cc's on my left side. Helen feels that my radiated side is tolerating the fills quite well so she decided to do a bit more fill this time. It usually takes me a couple of days to feel like I can breath properly and feel like I can tolerate the tightness. My next fill is on October 22nd.
Be positive, be strong and continue to pray...because the fight never ends.
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